I have a dilemma that I’d like your help solving. But first, I need to set the stage. I’ve always been a bit of a perfectionist. I actually gave myself ulcers in high school from studying so hard. It probably didn’t help that I rarely slept more than 6 hours as a result of my mountains of homework combined with time spent studying, working on extracurriculars and commuting 3 hours a day.
All of this hard work did seem to pay off in that I was salutatorian of my high school and went to a prestigious college, but as I entered ‘the real world,’ I discovered that my perfectionist tendencies are actually a detriment to my work life balance. In fact, I’m starting to suspect it’s one of the main reasons I don’t want to work in Corporate America a minute longer than absolutely necessary.
My high strung tendencies in school never had a negative effect on my life because school is straightforward with deadlines and expectations that are set in stone and presented clearly upfront. I would set aside time in my life to crank out my school work and be free of it at other times. My mind would not obsess over my schoolwork because I would know what needed to be done and have the ability to schedule my life accordingly.
In contrast, there’s no way to actually get ahead in my career work because the ground is constantly shifting beneath my feet. Work in general is the opposite of school in that it is a never ending group project with constantly changing expectations and timelines. If I create a spreadsheet to track a project, for example, I can almost guarantee you that an hour after I finish, a client will ask for something completely different.
In school, I knew what needed to be done and could plan accordingly. At work, I am actually penalized for doing work in advance because inevitably project goals and expectations change and if I have completed a task, I have to start over and overall do the work (at least) twice.
This inability to plan ahead and the reactionary nature of the corporate world, and client service specifically, has led to my anxiety increasing throughout my career. It’s culminated recently in a weird Pavlovian response. Whenever I hear my computer ping or my phone buzz, I feel a spike of fear and wonder what fresh hell this email will bring.
Since I started turning off work email on my phone, I have realized that I also feel genuine fear when opening my laptop in the morning for the same reason. I’m not in control and I can’t plan my life accordingly. I’m basically at the mercy of other peoples’ incompetence.
The feeling of fear that I have in response to the unknown abyss of work is unacceptable to me. I don’t think I should be feeling genuine fear because of my job, which really DOESN’T MATTER! Not in a real sense anyway. If I make a mistake in an email or a PowerPoint, no one gets hurt. I won’t even lose my job – I’ll just feel a stab of pain in my perfectionism muscle. I don’t think I should feel this way and I believe that if I discover how to overcome this feeling I’ll be better able to survive my last year of work with my mental health intact.
One of the reasons I turned off my work email notifications on my phone is because even if I see an email and don’t respond to it my perfectionist brain will start drafting 10 different responses and thinking four or five steps ahead to what I should do, what someone else’s response might be and how I would combat that. As a result, when I had notifications on my phone – even if I refused to respond after hours or on weekends – I wasn’t fully present during my time off. I was mentally at work.
I’ve improved many skills throughout my career, such as not hyperventilating when I’m put on the spot in a meeting or becoming completely comfortable saying “I don’t know” (I’m still routinely shocked how many people refuse to admit this and the clusterfucks that omission causes within companies). But this negative feeling – this looming dread – has never gone away and has actually become worse as I’ve gained responsibilities at work and moved from the almost templatized world of ad agencies to the constantly changing world of marketing.
When I’m camping in a nearby National Park (like the one pictured above), I shouldn’t be looking at a gorgeous view that celebrates the wonder of nature and be thinking about how to navigate a dumbass PO system. I am letting my work infect every part of my life and the frustrating thing is that I don’t believe this mental preoccupation with work actually makes me better at my job – it has no benefit. It’s just a detriment to my mental health.
So I’m trying to balance overthinking and apathy. I still want to be good at my job, but I don’t want to be emotionally invested in it. I want to be apathetic enough that work doesn’t dictate my emotions, so that I don’t feel genuine fear when I hear an email ping. Ideally, I’d love to extend this type of hardworking apathy to help eliminate Sunday dread as well (I actually used to not have it at this job).
In case it wasn’t clear, I don’t have a solution to this problem ๐ . I’m trying to find a way to control my emotions, which unfortunately, almost by definition, do not respond to the will of the mind. I want to be able to unemotionally react to what happens at work and combat issues to the best of my ability. I believe I’d actually be even better at my job if emotions are not a part of the equation, but how do I get there? Am I just kidding myself? Is this just a part of who I am?
How do you balance doing a great job and not letting your job negatively affect your mental health?
UPDATE:ย Thank you all so much for the helpful coping mechanisms you’ve been suggesting in the comments and on Twitter. They’ve been really helpful and I’m starting to implement some of them immediately and I already feel more grounded and less emotionally scattered as a result of work. So thank you ๐ . I hope by pooling our collective knowledge we can all help pry off the claws work seems to have on our emotions and mental health.
This is why it’s hardest in your 20s (and even early 30s) to acclimate to Corporate America. School only prepares you for being a better student, not for being a better business person. Those frustrated with the rote repetitive stuff (Jobs, Gates, Musk, etc.) all ditched school to make the ground shift under feet.
The only thing that worked for me was time. Eventually you acclimate to the job and leave the habits and patterns of our dated educated system behind. Ironic that you could find yourself hitting on all cylinders with the job in your 40s, right when you’ve become poised to retire early. ๐
That’s interesting. So with time you forget what school trained you for and acclimate to your new ‘reality’ it sounds like. Also fascinating point about Jobs/Gates/Musk. I loved school – a standard career? Not so much. That is ironic – good thing I’ll stop working way before my 40s ๐ and will have time to figure out a completely different reality.
I donโt have a solution but thank you for being so candid about this. I thought I was crazy for feeling this way. I am very similar in the level of anxiety I experience from work. Iโm in a similar client service type role so can relate to that always on, always available, always saying yes mentality. Iโve experienced a rollercoaster of emotions and am working on developing the right level of detachment. I want to care enough to do great work but not so much I ruin my life when what I do here isnโt cardiac surgery. No one will die but it doesnโt feel that way say to say.
Of course! Happy it resonated with you and helped you realize you weren’t the only one feeling this way. Ugh client service – why are you this way ๐ ? I hope you can find a balance. Getting my LinkedIn recommendations in place seemed to really help me. Not sure if that’s something that would help you as well. Basically my future success is not as closely linked to this specific job so I feel less pressure to go above and beyond like I always have. I already have people that know what kind of worker I am and would help me get my next position (if needed).
Dear Purple,
Oh yes, that horror of having a vacation ruined because I was thinking about work and not enjoying the beauty of the mountains… And back at work…oh no…a new e-mail by the difficult client – aaaaargh (hearbeat starts racing, face gets hot). I was at a point were I did not know what to do but knew that this is not what I wanted. I saw that my boss manages the difficult client without much emotional hassle and he can detach pretty good from negative emotions. So there has to be some way to do it. Since we get along really well I was able to interview him on that. It’s a learning process and he wasn’t always like that and sometimes still isn’t. But how do you do it?? He shrugged his shoulders and said you just do. At that moment it didn’t really help me but I kept at it and now looking back, I guess this is what helped me:
I had my mind set to it. I was sick of feeling terrible. I was not going to put up with it anymore. I DELIBERATELY DECIDED TO FEEL BETTER AT WORK. Just like making up my mind to become financially independant. Once you do that, it is not all rainbows but you are on your way.
I had compassion for difficult client. And for other clients. I was able to see their side and saw that it was not me, but that they needed to get things done for their boss or whatever. They did not stress me on purpose. IT IS MY DECISION IF I LET SOMEONE OR SOMETHING STRESS ME OUT.
And I saw that everything somehow works out in the end. I remember reading somewhere that you should envision things from the end. It helped. IT WILL ALWAYS WORK OUT. And it does.
So for me it comes down to my mindset. Reminds me of sports psychology – the biggest muscle is the brain.
You will figure it out if you want to ๐
June
Hi June!
That’s so smart to interview your boss about how he can stay calm in the face of difficult clients. It sounds like he has his hold on some good, old fashioned apathy that doesn’t negatively affect his job ๐ . I’m jealous. Deliberately decided to feel better at work is a great idea. My Mom keeps telling me I need to force myself to smile even if I don’t feel like smiling because pretending to be happy can lead to feeling happy.
As for compassion, I’m not there yet ๐ I don’t know if we are in a different industry, but mine is 90% postering and dealing with it and 10% work – I’d prefer if it was 100% work. You’re completely right that it can be my decision if I’m letting someone/something stress me out. I keep thinking I’m trapped by my emotions and accepting that, but I think you’re right (or I want you to be right ๐ ). I have a choice. Envisioning how things will end is another great tip – you’re just full of them ๐ . Now I want to read more about sports psychology… Thanks for stopping by!
I *totally* relate to this. It got so bad at my last job that I used to close my office door and cry at least weekly. As a result, I made a decision to do a career change, and accept a less demanding job that cut my pay in half. I am moving away from the idea of heads-down working/killing myself until I hit my FIRE number to remembering why FI was so freeing in the first place: it isn’t about the money, it is about my time, and really, my happiness. My current happiness (and sanity!) is as important as my future happiness!
That said, at my new job while the demands are more manageable the saying “wherever you go, there you are” is very true. Did you know that even in a less demanding job, they will let you work as much as you are willing to? As a salaried employee, it is “free” work for them! I had a Manager point out that if I worked so hard that I died in my chair…they might roll me out and buy the next person a new chair, but that they would still just replace me with that next person. It was an “ah-ha” reminder that we are all replaceable cogs for Mega Corp.
Two things that did help me, if you haven’t already tried them:
(1) set boundaries at work- I actually took my work email completely off my phone. My company changed their policy and no longer paid for my phone so I originally did it in response to that… But the best part was, nobody even noticed! I still check my email on my computer once an evening and once before I get into work, but (because I do the same thing as you and start drafting email responses in my head even when I am “not working”) this was a great change for me! I also have been implementing “work hours” for myself. As an exempt employee I could work all day everyday so instead I set made-up hours for myself for when I’m going to arrive in the office and leave the office (even if I “could” work longer).
(2) talk to a counselor/therapist- I get free sessions through my employee assistance program… Maybe see if you have this benefit as well? I know it’s not for everyone, but if you find the right fit a counselor can give you ideas and techniques for dealing with your perfectionist tendencies.
Best of luck! Remember, YOU (and your mental health!) are SO much more important than any job (or FIRE date, for that matter!).
Ugh I’m sorry you can relate and felt the need to cry at work – I hate doing that personally. Luckily working from home helps me hide it better ๐ . Congratulations on identifying the problem and moving away from it! That’s an avenue I’ve contemplated for myself, but am concerned about exactly what you’ve found (โwherever you go, there you areโ).
And oh my goodness that Manager has no tact WOW! That’s a messed up thing to say – like we all know that ๐ , but who says it aloud? Maybe they’re just super honest. But yes we are definitely all cogs. In my industry there are major layoffs every 6 to 12 months like clockwork.
Awesome tips! I turned work email off on my phone after hours starting about a year ago I think and found the same thing – no one noticed! I don’t even check my email after hours anymore unless I know something is coming in that’s due at 9am. If someone REALLY needs me my phone number is at the bottom of every email – no one has used it. I’m all about those work hours! If I don’t need to work late I close my laptop at 5pm and walk away. It’s so freeing.
Talking to someone is a good idea. I’m going to check out my healthcare policy today and see if they cover it. I doubt it personally, but can look into online options after that. I’m totally with you – no job (or FIRE plan) is worth my mental health. I’m going to implement these changes and see how I feel. I think part of my struggle is that my job IS really cushy (work from home, great boss etc) so I feel guilty when I have negative emotions related to it since it could be (and has been in the past) so much worse. Something else to work through in therapy ๐ . Thank you for stopping by!
Just like youโve trained your perfectionist muscles over the years, you have to train your IDGAF muscles too! One thing I try to do is to give myself limited spans of time to get things done, otherwise I spend the entire time mulling over decisions. But the most important thing is to be easy on yourself. Beating yourself up over your perfectionism is just your perfectionism acting up!
Hahaha you’re so right. IDGAF muscle training starts today!! I also like limited time windows – they’re great forcing functions. And you’re right – I need to be easier on myself. It’s just that perfectionism flaring up in another way ugh! Thank you for helping me see that.
I also had a natural confidence boost that came once I passed my early 30s. Which was partially more ‘apathy’ – I thought of it as, “wow I don’t really care what this person thinks as much anymore” or maybe just a decrease in general anxiety about work? It may have also been having responsibility for training new people. Nothing like someone brand new to make you feel like you know what you’re doing! ๐
But the nature of my work was also more cyclical/predictable at that time, so maybe it’s just that I was genuinely more used to the work and got better at planning ahead.
I do also have a lot of respect for how we’re wired body-wise. There was a great article in the Atlantic about how our bodies are wired to decrease happiness levels right around mid-life crisis time (40s-50s). So there might be something to the age argument? Not that it’s hopeless to try to change your thinking/feeling, just to be aware that it’s genuinely hard and you may be fighting against how your body wants to respond. But also that it’s not permanent.
That’s really interesting – I don’t care what people think in ‘real life’, but I think I’ve linked “what people think of me” at work with monetary success in my mind since new jobs are driven by referrals and recommendations, but even by that logic I don’t need EVERYONE to think I’m awesome at my job – just a few to refer and recommend me, which I already have…Good to know if I do continue to work for some reason more confidence/apathy comes after the early 30s.
Ahh predictable work – I miss it ๐ , but also not since my predictable work involved making ads that no one wants to see. I didn’t see that Atlantic article, but will find it – that sounds really interesting. I’m definitely still going to change how I feel, but good to know I might be fighting actual chemistry at some points ๐ . Thank you for stopping by!
I lucked out with a fairly low-stress job, but I’ve had a job that sounds eerily similar to yours. Staying past 8pm on a Friday, because something went wrong. Having to write client e-mails about how the thing that went wrong won’t happen again. Getting panic e-mails on the weekends from clients. I knew on the third day working there that I was going to be miserable the entire time–the agency relied heavily on this one client’s business, and we had to cater to their every need. I tried to stay positive by going for walks on my lunch break, which helped in the short-term. Ultimately, I had to find another job. I learned that not all agencies have to be like that.
Does your being close to FI help at all? I think for me, having a fair amount of FU-money has allowed me to feel a lot less stressed at work. I even found myself copping an attitude here and there, because if something happens, I know I have enough money to buy some time.
Also, I’m excited to meet you at FinCon and talk shop, since I think we work in the same industry?
Did we work on the same account ๐ ? Because that sounds identical to a job I had in NYC. Luckily my current job isn’t that wild – I don’t work late too often and I’ve moved away from truly toxic clients. That might be hard of why I’m beating myself up. I could be so much worse – my current situation is very cushy and I still get anxiety from it. Going for walks is a great tip that I’ve let fall by the wayside – I need to get back into it.
Ridiculously being close to FI has made it harder haha! I see that I’ve amassed more money than I ever could have dreamed of and think “Fuck it – I quit!” on an almost weekly basis, but I have a plan and want to stick it out, but in those moments it’s hard to remember why. But I know if I just quit now I’ll be more stressed trying to reach my goal without this cushy job and high salary so I always talk myself down. My stress isn’t linked to worry that I’ll be fired and not pay the bills – it’s stupider than that ๐ . And oh yeah I’ve had an ‘attitude’ for years. I tell my boss “no” all the time and he asks what I want to do (instead of telling me). It’s one of the reasons he’s awesome.
It sounds like we’re definitely in the same industry! Let’s for sure talk shop – See you next week!!
It sounds like a job with more autonomy would be a better fit for you. If things keep changing, you can’t plan or work ahead. Maybe you need to start your own company. Then you can obsess to your heart’s content.
Although, you probably should practice letting go too. Therapy?
That’s the thing – this job has the most autonomy I’ve ever had and I think it’s the perfect amount. Any more and I would be starting my own company and honestly that doesn’t sound like fun at all ๐ – way too much work for no guaranteed reward. And haha letting me obsess to my heart’s content might not be a great idea ๐ . Definitely working on letting go and you’re the second person to suggest therapy – I’m looking into it ๐ . Thank you for stopping by!
It’s like you have been listening to my therapy sessions! In the past – I’ve tried to build up boundaries (e.g. not working on weekends, no email or calendar on phone) but it’s not been fully effective. Sunday blues still trickle in. I had to disable the old Outlook sound because it caused flashbacks of anxiety from 2013 with me sitting in our test chamber control room seeing an email from a CVP asking me about a bug’s status.
Not sure if I’ve found solutions either. As of late, I’ve tried to abstract work issues as something separate from me as a person (i.e. not a reflection). When folks do stupid things, rather than get internally wound-up – I try to repeat my new mantra of “not my circus, not my monkeys.”
I’m only now realizing for my anxiety (thanks to the therapy) that I typically jump to a worst-case scenario, feel like it’s end-of-the-world, act as though it’s happened, and play out how to work through it (like you mentioned). So…I’m trying to catch myself doing it and “make space” for that feeling to exist off in the corner, and also say “yes, that could happen…but what’s a more likely scenario.” It’s hard to re-train the brain, but it feels like a good path to try? We’ll see!
How’d you know ๐ ? I’m sorry you have that reaction to the old Outlook sound – UGH it makes me so mad these things have such emotional pull over us. Abstracting work is a really good idea. My partner tried to explain some type of Buddhist concept where you observe the emotion you’re having, but you acknowledge that the emotion is happening, but it’s not YOU. I haven’t been able to separate myself like that yet, but working on it.
I haven’t heard of โnot my circus, not my monkeysโ – I like it. Very accurate. And I am SO with you on jumping to the worst case scenario and feeling like it’s the end of the world (emotionally anyway, mentally I know I’m being silly and then beat myself up over that too ughhg). Re-training the brain is starting to feel like a life-long endeavor. I’m happy I’m starting now. Thank you so much for your tips and I hope your re-training goes well!
This post so resonated with me because it’s one of the only reasons I want to retire. I love the work, I am a professional writer and photographer, and it’s interesting and never monotonous. The downside? I get news tips and pitches for stories at all times, nights, weekends, whenever; and on all platforms one can imagine. I don’t even have work email on my phone, but it doesn’t matter, I get this stuff on Facebook too. And if I’m scrolling and see something newsworthy, I usually need to stop and send my future self an email so I don’t forget about it.
It’s part of the job, and most of the time I take it in stride, but I also set boundaries; many inquiries I don’t respond to on the weekends, until I’m at work the following Monday. But you’re right, you still see it, and you still think about it. The worst one recently was someone who messaged our paper on Facebook to say we’d made a horrible mistake. I felt guilty about it all weekend, and couldn’t relax at all. Then I found out Monday we didn’t even make the mistake. She had heard from an employee that we’d said their business was closing a week earlier than it was – she didn’t even bother checking the paper herself. I was livid. She didn’t even apologize.
This is why, while I love what I do, I will be happy when I am retired and can do the occasional story or photo assignment on a freelance basis. My mental health will improve drastically. I think you nailed it on the head with this post. It’s often not the work that drives us nuts, it’s all the stress and annoyance that goes along with it. Great post! This has become one of my favorite FI blogs.
YES! You’re so right. There’s no off switch (physically or mentally). I’m so sorry about that person messing up your weekend for absolutely nothing – UGH! So much good insight – thank you for articulating what I was trying to ๐ . And that’s so nice to hear that you like the blog!! Thank you so much for stopping by!
Actually, I thought you articulated it quite well yourself! It was a great post.
I decided against going to FinCon this year – got on it too late – but I do have to admit I regret not being able to meet you and J Money from Budgets are Sexy. I’m planning on it next year instead, and will get signed up early so it doesn’t cost so much!
Aw shucks – thank you ๐ ! And oh no – I’m sad I won’t get to meet you too! J. Money seems cool…we’ll see if he lets me near him… Exciting you’re going next year! I won’t be here sadly – it’s happening during my last week of work ever ๐ . Let’s definitely grab a beverage of some kind next time I’m in WI/you’re in WA/our paths cross!
That would be awesome! I have a friend just outside of Seattle (Monroe) I’ve been meaning to visit again – and if you make it to Wisco, let me know! Last time I visited her, I fell in love with the Snoqualmie and want to go back and spend more time checking things out there.
Last week of work ever – man, that statement makes me jealous! : )
Silly comment section won’t let me respond to your last message directly for some reason B.C. so replying here…Something else for my bug list…Just checked out Monroe and it’s not too far out! Let me know if you’re visiting them and I’ll definitely let you know if I pop up other there. And yess Snoqualmie (and basically all nature over here) is gorgeous. My favorite place in the states for that reason. Mountains and green and water everywhere.
I agree with others about how growing older can actually mellow out this cycle of work or performance anxiety. For me, I try to reinforce everything that is positive about my work and compartmentalize the negative, anxiety causing parts of the job as a mental habit. The other trick I use is downward comparison; I remind myself I don’t have a person’s life in my hands, or at least I don’t (pick whatever truly horrible job you could imagine) have to do that all day. Also, I remind myself: I have the ability to fix mistakes, I can work around the “new flavor is the best flavor” mentality even though what has been working actually would be better. I’m no rocket scientist, but I don’t owe anyone my physical and mental health, period, full stop!
Yeah it’s sounding like age/experience is a key ingredient I’m missing. Interesting downward comparison works for you – I try it often and it doesn’t work for me for some reason – my brain just retorts “well you’re NOT in a mine right now so that’s silly to say.” Come on brain – work with me here! “Iโm no rocket scientist, but I donโt owe anyone my physical and mental health, period, full stop!” – I’m putting this on my mirror. THANK YOU!
So, totally random, but I was reading through my journal yesterday and found an entry from when you and Magenta were visiting last year. I wrote something along the lines of, “Both Purple and Magenta seemed really stressed about work, even though it was the weekend and we were driving around town chatting and enjoying ourselves. It was kind of odd to realize, because I usually think of them as people who make their jobs work for them, instead of the other way around. It also highlighted the fact that I have been feely bizarrely stress free.” So Sarah of a year ago noticed too! I went on to attribute my lack of stress to meditation–I’ve always felt that utter terror and dread while working and in school. But these last few years it has lost its grip on me, and I think it’s because meditation has taught me to have a better relationship with anxiety. Love ya <3
That’s so random and fascinating. I remember vividly what was happening at that time last year – I’d just launched this blog and I was working with that horrendous interim boss that I’ve luckily moved away from since. That might have been the worst work week of this entire job…So thank you for putting up with me during it ๐ ! I checked with Magenta/MAPLe/Whatever his name is because I didn’t remember him being stressed and he said he was in the middle of a big project he was behind on and couldn’t figure out. As for this “I usually think of them as people who make their jobs work for them, instead of the other way around” – I’m so flattered you thought that, but it’s totally not true in my case. I have done all I can to make this the cushiest job ever, but it’s still high stress work – which I imagine is why they pay that sweet $$$. Glad I was able to fool you for so long though ๐ . I DEFINITELY need to get back into meditation then. Are you still using Headspace? So happy to hear anxiety has lost its grip on you. That’s so amazing. Love you lady!! Thank you for stopping by.
Ugh, horrendous bosses = the most stress. You and Magenta both did an excellent job still being your usual charming selves for us :). And meditation has been ridiculously healthy for me–it hasn’t worked as well for my husband, but I can never tell if it’s a personality thing or a dedication thing or what. It definitely took an entire summer of meditating twice per day (and a fair amount of discomfort) because it started to help me. And I’m still using Headspace! If you decide to go that route, the anxiety pack is what really helped me. It basically teaches you to recognize when you’re having anxious/stressed out thoughts and redirect your attention to your body, where you can observe (with curiosity) the physical impacts of the stressful thought. Now, whenever work starts to intrude on my brain during non-work hours, I just “tag” it as “thinking, unpleasant” and then redirect my attention to physical sensation, like the floor pressing against my feet, or the feeling of the air circulating on my skin. Works like a charm!
Agreed milady. Good to know the level of dedication needed to get results ๐ I believe when I tried your Headspace account I tried it once sooooo time to buckle down lol. And oooh an anxiety pack sounds perfect! Tagging a thought sounds like a computer and I LOVE IT! Looking into Headspace discounts now lol…
Try the podcast UnF*ck Your Mind with Kara Loewentheil. Episode 90 speaks exactly to that perfectionist fantasy. It’s all thought work and consistency. See what you think.
Oooh this sounds like my kind of podcast. Adding it to my stitcher queue – thank you!
i mentioned before about some time in the smidlap anti-stress clinic. while i’m kidding about that i agree with cubert in that you get better at it. keep calm and carry on. you can train yourself to stoically reply to something idiotic with “yes sir” or “yes ma’am” but the tone really is saying “go F yourself” without having that said on record.
just try and take it easy like the dude in the big lebowski. repeat after me: it just doesn’t matter…it just doesn’t matter….
Haha I don’t know the smidlap anti-stress clinic style is how I was coping before this 100 day alcohol free challenge (it’s day 92 btw ๐ ). Haha injecting “fuck you” into my tone is something I learned at birth as a southern lady ๐ . I haven’t brought that skill to work yet, but maybe I should…I like the mantra! I’m going to chant it on my inevitable gauntlet of conference calls. Thank you Freddy!!
I work with people like this. Liz, who sits at the desk next to me, says “Frogdancer, you should run PDs on how to balance work and home life!!”
I don’t believe that working all day every day makes you a better employee. When I’m at work – I work. I’ll stay later sometimes if I have heaps of essays to correct BUT when I’m home – I’m doing home stuff. I don’t bring work home with me and I check work emails only twice a day on weekends (in case a kid wants help with something they’re working on.) Honestly, I love my kids, I enjoy teaching but ultimately, we’re all replaceable and I work to live, not the other way around.
How do I do this?
For me, I think it came from having absorbing interests outside of work that really held my attention. So when I was BK (before kids) I was breeding and showing dogs. I worked at teaching to fund that hobby. AK (after kids), my dgaf muscle was already attuned to focus on prioritising home over work, so when I went back to full-time work, I worked to fund my life. Home was always FAR more important than school.
Maybe pushing something you love to do further up on your list of priorities would help?? At the moment it sounds like most of your attention is focused on work. You need to wean yourself off it, particularly with retirement so close.
Good luck!
First question: What’s a PD? But it does sound like you’ve got it all figured out, which is awesome! As for pushing something I love further up my list, my current list of things I give my energy to in priority order are: 1. My Partner, 2. Friends/Family, 3. This Blog, 4. Work. Work is the only one that has set times and deadlines – my actual attention isn’t focused on it more than I need to be (for example I took a 1.5 hour walk during lunch on Monday – WHAAAT?! Didn’t even look at my email. So wild ๐ . I’ve messed with putting more focus on my hobbies and have actually found it starting to stress me out and make the hobby less ‘fun’. Currently planning to do that more in retirement when I have no responsibilities whatsoever ๐ .
A PD is a Professional Development session.
You know, one of those wonderful meetings where all these GREAT ideas get put out there on how to improve performance on the job (in my case, teaching) and then nothing ever gets done about them. Total waste of time.
We have one a fortnight…
It’s a wonder I still turn up for work when I think about them.
Ahhh yes – I am familiar. There’s one tomorrow actually and I’m not going ๐ . It takes a lot to make me leave my couch these days – taking full advantage of that work from home life! I’m sorry for your fornightly PD sessions. I hope you’ve created some fun BINGO type games to help get through them. Mine would include words such as “learnings” and “actionable”…now that I think about it if it was a drinking game we’d all be wrecked.
Iโve actually thought about this a lot – I way prefer the academic deadline style work of school. Maybe thatโs why Iโm such a stickler for my blogging schedule and enjoy it that way ๐
Yes – me too! True nerds over here. And yes I love how much of a stickler you are for the blog schedule. I’m with you girl!
Hey! As someone who deals with anxiety as well, Iโm not sure that the answer is to try to get rid of the emotions (I donโt think itโs possible), but to acknowledge them and then manage them more effectively. I often talk myself through these situations – sort of looking at it from the outside – what am I specifically felling? Why am I feeling this? Does the intensity (or duration) of the feeling fit the facts of the situation? If it doesnโt, it gives me clues that I can use some strategies to decrease the intensity and duration and ultimately let the emotion pass. I also often think about – what is the worst thing that could happen? And then if it does, what would I do about it? How would j handle it? Once I convince myself that I can handle whatever situation comes my way, even if itโs by getting out of it, I can get the anxiety to subside. Ultimately, I think our feelings (while uncomfortable) are primarily there to tell us something. Anyways, Iโd love to talk further about this at FinCon. I have also felt this sense of thread previously, so Iโd be happy to talk through it!
Hi!! Looking at my emotions from the outside is a good idea. It reminds me of that song in Steven Universe “Here comes a thought…” That’s interesting about realizing how you could handle even the worse situation – for some reason that doesn’t seem to help me because I don’t want to have to fix it lol! That might be burnout talking. I like the idea that feelings are there to tell us something – maybe I should stop berating them for being there ๐ . And yes we’re definitely talking about this at FinCon! So excited to finally meet you!!
Love this. TFI and I are struggling with a similar dilemna but from a different angle. After being all-out constantly in work mode for almost two decades, we’re starting to shift to actually feeling balance . That’s a great thing – the weird part is we both have this creeping fear that we are somehow less effective or less committed because we’re mostly in balance and not pouring ourselves into our work every moment. Partly is the nature of our work and the internal motivation we feel to make sure we are doing everything we can to support our students, but some of it is just that response of having been consumed by work for too long.
I think we’re both fortunate that we enjoy our work and feel it matters, so we don’t get the dread part of it – just the fried and overworked part. I guess that’s better? Either way – as we get closer to financial independence we are more able to balance it all.
More related to your struggle – I tried that ignore email when outside of work thing, but quickly realized that I prefer checking it with a quick scan. Every once in awhile I’ll go down a rabbit hole that will pull me out of my relaxation – but I’ve found I prefer that risk to opening it up after an absence and being surprised by something stupid that spiraled way out of control that I could have interrupted.
It’s great to hear the perspective of someone that enjoys and finds meaning in their work ๐ . I can see getting consumed by it if that was the case for me. Good for you for fighting for balance despite that! Overwork does sound better than fear and overwork ๐ . Also interesting about the quick scan. There’s nothing that can spiral that I could have helped, but if I find myself worrying about what emails have come through for more than 30 minutes I allow myself to look. Sometimes nothing has happened and sometimes that means I’m pulling out my laptop for 2 hours on a Sunday night – blerg. But I figure it’s better than wondering more than 30 minutes in that instance. Thanks so much for stopping by!
You’ve got some great comments up here to help deal and I will all read them in more detail as I totally feel you!
I’ve mostly been using the technique of thinking about what I actually want to feel instead of that out of control anxiety. Most of the time it’s “I want to feel like how I approach this will have a positive impact on the outcome” or something along those lines, basically that I have some control over the situation. I then try to think about what I can do that gets me that feeling with concrete actions : be up to date with all files, track their status or whatever and then I try as best as I can to not allocate any mind space to other worries. Most of the time it works but not always. Oh and visual tracking or marking down what I have done also helps me reassure myself that I am doing what I can.
Overall, not an easy problem and one that greatly also motivates me for this whole FIRE thing… I simply want the choice to allocate these perfectionist tendencies to what I choose, instead of being dictated by ever changing priorities of my work organization or of the clients!
Seriously!! Y’all are so amazing. Oooh thinking about how you want to feel is genius! I do love visual tracking and my lists – feels so good lol. This is exactly it: “I simply want the choice to allocate these perfectionist tendencies to what I choose, instead of being dictated by ever changing priorities of my work organization or of the clients!” Thank you lady!!
I love this post, and this is something I’ve struggled with my whole working life (made worse by the fact that if I make a mistake people actually can die).
For me, immersing myself deeply into various forms of mindfulness over the past year has been the best thing. I do a mindfulness meditation for 5-15 minutes every work morning to calm myself and try to get into the right headspace. If I’m taking a break during the day (e.g. to go to Starbucks for tea), I’ll use the opportunity to do a walking meditation. I have a mental ritual as I’m driving away from the hospital in which I actively think about leaving work behind, and if I start to think about work when I’m not there, I’ll try to think “I’m not at work. I’ll think about this tomorrow.” I also do a shit tonne of yoga. If I’d read this a year ago, I would’ve thought it sounded really cheesy….but it has transformed my life and my relationship with work.
If I haven’t totally scared you off and you’re interested in a good resource, I love Dan Harris’s book “10% Happier”. It’s a great into to mindfulness for skeptics.
So happy you like it! And you haven’t scared me off at all – those tips sound very helpful and I’ve added 10% Happier to my library queue. Thank you so much for sharing!
I love your post!
I ran into the same challenges as you, with work. I really enjoyed school & excelled in it because it was all plan-able. Work is almost the opposite and to me, is typically much less interesting than academic studies.
I thought switching business functions would help, but it was the same (marketing to HR).
Alas, early retirement is my air in this journey. In the mean time, I listen to a lot of great self development podcasts (love the joy junkie); plan fun things on the weekends and meditate a lot.
When work frustration bubbles, I try to allow the anger to run through me without resisting it. An Eckhart Tolle lesson on u tube helps if Iโm really stuckโanxiety is usually related to resisting what is….Iโve learned time and time again.
Iโve tried positive perspective building (didnโt work for me)…oddly enough, reminding myself that itโs just 8-9 hours (boundaries) of providing other human beings service and nothing else, has been helpful.
Similar to a waitress, I never know what people may ask for…but I appreciate a waitress being flexible to my needs, so I will be a servant to others (before I FIRE;).
Thank you!! Agreed on both counts about school vs work. This is really interesting: “anxiety is usually related to resisting what is.” I’m going to check out that Eckhart Tolle video and joy junkie podcast. So many good tips – thank you so much!! I’m going to see how many of these I can start implementing today. Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing!
Great Post! I can remember dealing with the ever changing schedules and direction of clients. I worked in the print/catalog industry and you’d think we were delivering babies. The clients would get all obsessed about the strangest things. Things that did not matter. Really. I would make schedules, booked freelancers, ask folks to work over time on the weekends, then the clients wouldn’t send in the work. Or they would send it in with no notice. In the end I tried to become indifferent to it all but, like you, I could not let go. I was responsible for a team of folks who needed and wanted the hours but also wanted to be able to plan time with their family. It’s so nice not to be subject to the clients whims anymore. Because in the end, my work was either getting tossed in the recycle bin or was wrapping up fish down at Pikes Market.
Oh my goodness yes this is MY LIFE ๐ . Every single point INCLUDING “my work was either getting tossed in the recycle bin or was wrapping up fish down at Pikes Market.” Yes – oh my goodness yes. There are a few clients that respect promises and my time and I work with them as much as possible, but the others ๐ . Happy to hear I’m not alone in feeling this way and I’m LOVING watching your journey since quitting. Y’all give me hope!
Really amazes me how you write good content every week and also have people deeply sharing their lives in this corner of the Internet ๐(Teach me your ways)!! Also I love how you were outraged when I said I was gonna quit blogging – true blogging bonding haha. I forget how you were doing this for THREE years.
Haha thank you lady. It amazes me you think that ๐ – thank you for saying so. I really appreciate it (and am copy/pasting for a rainy day). As for people sharing their lives here – I have literally no idea lol. No secret recipe to share unfortunately. Indeed I was outraged ๐ , but I understand and am happy since you didn’t disappear completely! I’ve been enjoying the newsletters.
Meditation has really been helping me live more “in the moment,” but I think there’s more to releasing perfectionism as you age than just moving away from school training. The older I get, the less I care about things that don’t really matter to the world and the more interested I become in tasks that corporate-type workplaces can do very well (scaling up beneficial things to the masses, improving the efficiency of systems delivering services and goods, tapping into the talents and energies of lots of individuals and moving them in a consistent direction). I feel like I’ve been moving away from individual impact/accomplishment/production and towards community building. While corporate settings can frustrate both goals, when they are working well, they are much more effective with the latter than with the former.
Additionally, parenting has helped me release perfectionism because guess what? No one is capable of being a perfect parent and yet, most parents are pretty darn awesome at being their kid’s parent. A “perfect” parent would actually drain the life out of a family by the expectations they set for their offspring. Terrible! I wonder if “early retirement” will be a similar experience for you because you really can’t be “perfect” at it? Just some thoughts.
I’ll say it again–meditation has really, really helped with some of the thoughts/responses you describe here.
That’s really interesting. So you’re saying I have to have patience?! ๐ It makes sense that with age and wisdom you can stop focusing on things that don’t actually matter. That gives me hope. Interesting connection between perfectionism and parenting – maybe retirement will be that for me, but actually blogging has been a good step. I am very far from perfect and pressing “Schedule” on a post every week has made me more ok with that – in this space at least. But I got it – Meditation! On it – looking into options now ๐ . Thank you so much!
Like others, I have to say I loved this post. Horrible bosses, nightmarish clients, endless meetings with zero results. My personal hell was committees – where basically everyone has an opinion and only 1 or 2 people actually do any work. GRRRR. You were smart to eliminate the notifications. Do you have a countdown clock on your laptop and/ or phone? The best thing EVER….it shows how many weeks, days, hours until you are out of there. So, when you feel the anxiety or frustration bubbling up – take a look at the time ticking away – you canโt help but smile and simultaneously it puts you in a strong (and positive) mindset. Also, remember – you are on youโre way out the the door in a short period of time – take a deep breathe & think ahead of what your life will be. It somehow centers you and enables calmness to return. You got this!
So glad you enjoyed it!! Oh goodness committees – I have been luck to mostly avoided that hell myself. I have a countdown clock on every page of this blog that I check – it’s at the bottom of the page on mobile and the sidebar on desktop. It only has days and up though – maybe I need to see hours, minutes and seconds ticking by to help me ๐ . All good advice – thank you so much!!
I just try to focus on the major deadlines and the things that will have the biggest impact for animals (I work in animal welfare – there is no shortage of work). I typically feel burn out coming on when I’m really overwhelmed so I’ll unplug and shut down for a bit and then come back.
Luckily I manage projects so I can mostly say “no one is dying if this email doesn’t go out” but I do try to focus on supporting the projects that create the best impact for animals more diligently and carefully.
Oh wow – your work sounds so interesting. Great job taking a step away to avoid serious burnout. I need to force myself to do that more often. I’m not sure I’ll get to that level of “no one is dying so X” since the only reason we’re paid well is because we’re at clients’ beck and call ๐ , but I’ll think about it. There’s probably something smaller I can do. Thanks so much for stopping by!
So I just recently stumbled upon FIRE…. and then ended up on your blog. And I have to say, this post is why I am going to run full force at FIRE. I lead a mortgage sales team & I am literally always on 24/7 because that is what it takes to be โperfectโ at this job…. I want to let it go… to realize I wonโt be perfect. But I canโt… and I cant live this way for ever. So Iโm running head first at FIRE… in hopes that financial backing will really give me the apathy I need at work. Thank you for making me feel like I am not insane!!
You are not insane and you are not alone. I’m sorry your job makes you be on 24/7 to be perfect – that really sucks. Congratulations on finding FIRE and running towards it – you got this!