About a year ago, a potential new hire reached out to me. I’m a black woman, the only African American at our company at the time, and the new hire is also a black woman who wanted to know how my experience has been at this (very white) company in this (very white) marketing industry. She asked about specific things like diversity, inclusion and microaggressions.
I actually had to google what microaggressions were (I guess I’m not as ‘woke’ as I thought…). For those of you who don’t know, microaggression is “a term used for brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioral, or environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative prejudicial slights and insults toward any group, particularly culturally marginalized groups.”
Let’s get academic for a second. Basically instead of outright calling someone a racial slur or calling a woman a “bitch,” microaggressions are statements that reinforce stereotypes about a minority group or subtly demean those people. These actions also position the dominant culture as the norm and the minority as strange or different and seems to express disapproval or discomfort with that minority group.
Examples include touching a black person’s hair (“It’s so different – I must grab it!”), a male colleague calling a female colleague “sweetie” (And people ask me if I miss working in NYC…) or saying something like “You look exotic – Where are you from?” (This one was asked of me at FinCon. Fun times…). Anyway, after this research and some thought, I was happy to tell the potential new hire that nothing like that had happened to me at this company, but that I did not believe based on their hiring practices (*cough* no people of color *cough*) that diversity was a priority.
Despite my honesty about the lack of diversity, the potential new hire decided to join our company. The number of African Americans doubled 😉 . Well now, a year later, I have unfortunately seen and experienced several instances of the token example of a racial microaggression: white people touching a black person’s hair.
The first incident happened to my black colleague at our summer party by the CEO of our company who then laughed at her objections in front of our colleagues AKA showing that she shouldn’t be listened to and reinforcing this behavior as acceptable. My first, was at the same party with my boss’ wife in a chatting circle. She did actually ask if she could touch my hair, but the power dynamic implicit in that situation and all the eyes on us made me say “sure” when I really wanted to say “don’t fucking touch me.”
Until this point, no one had touched any part of my body at this company. No one had called me “sweetie” or “honey” or any other demeaning term. No one had told me to get them coffee or treated me as lesser (that I’d noticed). Now this happened. It felt similar to when I’ve been catcalled or groped – like my body was not my own or I was a combination of features – an object instead of a person. This time though, instead of it just being about my gender, there was a feeling of “otherness” related to my race in this sea of white people. I did not belong. I was something different, but still lesser. Still not my own. And for that reason, I did not deserve agency over my own body and who is allowed access to it.
After these incidents, my colleague decided to talk to our leadership about why the CEO’s behavior in particular was problematic. The leadership team promised to take her words seriously and said they were looking into introducing diversity training. Meanwhile, I find myself at another work gathering only to have a member of that very same leadership team grab my hair. I was standing there, felt a tug and turned to see her with my hair in her hands. Sure seems like they were taking my colleague’s concerns seriously *facepalm*.
All of this was rounded out by my last holiday party ever, which occurred a week ago. Two new people grabbed my hair without permission. It seems like every gathering is starting to include people touching me without my consent. I don’t know if hiring another black person made people think “See – there’s no way we’re racist!” or what, but it seems to have brought out less than stellar behavior.
My colleague has become increasingly outraged at every additional incident I relay to her. She has a background in diversity training herself and she told me how she was going to continue fighting for understanding and equality within our company. She asked me if I would join her and I told her that honestly I’m not sure doing so is worth the emotional toll it would take on me.
She already raised the issue, and that discussion was directly followed by the specific problematic behavior she was talking about. I should want to fight for social justice and pave the way for marginalized groups that will be hired at this company after I’m gone. I should want to try and make it a better place for them, but at this point it doesn’t feel worth it. And that makes me really sad to say.
My feelings after all this are better expressed in this quote I read recently: “Worn down by microaggressions. Held to a different professional standard. Contributions ignored. Tired from having to represent an entire demographic. Lonely.”
I feel that so hard. All my life I have been in the minority – often the only black person in a company and if not, the only one who wasn’t a receptionist or a janitor. I am still the only person of color in a conference room and at times the only woman. I have always felt pressure to represent my race and to an extent my gender. To be the best, to combat all stereotypes and to lead by example, but I must admit: I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like I have to represent an entire race of people.
So I’m giving up on my company, which until this point has been my favorite that I have worked for. After uncovering the giant pay disparities they have lied about and watching leadership promote and protect multiple toxic bosses, this was the last straw. This used to seem like a wonderful place to work, but over time I have uncovered too many skeletons in the closet and for that reason I’m done. It was fun while it lasted. 7 months to freedom…
What has your experience been with inclusion and diversity in the workplace? Have you ever experienced a microaggression?
Thank you for writing about this.
Thank you for reading it 🙂 .
I am so sorry you have to deal with the awful stress and loneliness of being basically the only woman of color in your department/ company (since two ‘different’ people in one company does not make for true diversity)
Although not in the same way, the constant comments like that made me very glad to flee my office job in Japan. I have lived here a long time, and my language skills are what your would expect from an adult. But the constant ‘oh, you can speak Japanese’ (after having spent months mailing that same person IN JAPANESE), comments about ‘all foreigners being X or Y’, people thinking it is okay to comment on my body, or my personal favorite “oh, you are so Japanese!” (No, no I am not, There is nothing wrong with being from Japan, but I am not, please do not equate ‘goodness’ with being part of your race).
It isn’t nowhere near as dangerous and stressful as being a person (and particular woman) of color, but I can definitely understand how tiring it is to always be on your best behavior because you have to represent your country/gender.
But you are almost done!!! Just keep that in mind…and maybe snap off some fingers if anyone tries again😈
Thank you and you’re completely right – 2 people in a company is definitely not diversity. I’m so sorry you got those comments in Japan and am surprised to hear that you received that kind of feedback while speaking their language fluently. Ugh. I’m also sorry you feel the tiredness that comes with having to be a representation and be on your best behavior as you say. When I wrote this I really felt bad that I wasn’t willing to just suck it up and continue fighting for the world to progress even in my tiny corner of a company, but you’re making me feel validated in that decision so thank you 🙂 . And you’re totally right – I’m almost done and I haven’t considered snapping fingers before now, but I like that mental image 😉 !
I remember learning about microagressions and immediately feeling terrible because all I had to do was think back and I had done some (asking an Asian person where they are from “originally” is an example of a microagression)
Last year I decided to read more books by authors of color and one I read was literally called “You Can’t Touch My Hair”. I learned SO much about microagressions I had not considered but were so obvious when laid out in front of me. (I knew calling people uppity in general is not cool but didn’t know the extra context for POC) I learned SO much about the history of hair and learned about another privilege I grew up with– having the “default” culturay approved hair.
Reading “White Fragility” was the final straw– your co-workers need diversity training but they would likely resist it because it would force them to reconsider the ways they were racist and acted in a way that upheld racism as an implicit standard.
Thanks for telling your own story, as I know it gave me just a tiny glimpse and reinforcement of what “You can’t touch my hair” explained (yo if you’re white and confused by this post, I highly recommend it!). And hopefully it informs others about how their actions, however well-meaning, can “other” people, and ultimately are rooted in racism. I’m sorry people suck. But I’m rooting for you! Boo company, go Purple!
Don’t feel terrible lady. They’re called microaggressions for a reason – because we all (me included I’m sure) have done them unintentionally. And yeah I’ve gotten the where are you from “originally” question a lot – people don’t like my answer of “Earth” or “Atlanta” 🙂 .
Those are some great book recommendations though – I’m going to add them to my library queue after I’ve calmed down about all this 🙂 . It’s also amazing you intentionally sought out authors or color – I should re-examine the authors of the books I read last year because I’m almost certain without even looking they were at least 75% white. Mostly women, but still. I can do better.
And oh goodness don’t get me started on culturally approved hair lol! My Mom has straightened her hair her entire life to ‘fit in’ and I’ve tried rebelling against that my whole life, but still succumbed to peer pressure and chemically straightened it for a few years there. Ugh oh young purple. You gotta make your own mistakes.
Agree that diversity training is needed, but I’m not personally optimistic it will actually help because of the resistance you mention along with the fact that I genuinely think they don’t give a shit – otherwise our comments wouldn’t have been basically laughed at by the CEO in front of everyone.
Anyway, boo company indeed. Thank you Mechanic!
Asking someone where they are originally from is microaggression?
This article said it better than I could: “The simple question of being asked where you are from indicates I’m not from this country and suggests I don’t belong here.” https://momentousinstitute.org/blog/where-are-you-from-an-introduction-to-microaggressions. People ask “where are you from?” and do not accept my answer of “Atlanta” (“No, but where are you REALLY from?”) meaning they’re actually asking “where are your ancestors from?” I am not originally from Africa, but that’s the answer they want.
I get it. But to be honest, this feels like there is no room for conversation outside of the typical office BS (how was your weekend, blah). And outside of work we wouldn’t be able to get past surface level discussion. I get grief for asking my own family questions and this feels just like that. Personal problem, I know.
Yeah it sounds like it might be 🙂 . I think there’s a huge space for possible conversation topics between office BS and asking people about their racial background at work though personally I don’t share personal information with my colleagues (even what I do over the weekend). I don’t think it’s any of their business. I stick to office BS by choice. Outside of work I’m completely comfortable having any kind of discussion with friends or family. Some are open to them and assume I’m coming from a place of love and curiosity and some do not.
Remember that part of the problem comes from not only you asking the question, but this person has probably been asked, “where are you from?” A LOT. And often the question they’re really asking is (maybe even subconsciously), “why are you brown?”
I’m white. I almost never get asked where I’m from. People might ask where I grew up and if I say I was born in ND and lived in CA that’s the end of it. I don’t have to trace back every place my family has lived back to when my great-great-grandfather came over from Ireland. My spouse is not white, but also not obviously any single ethnicity. He gets asked “where are you from” by a lot of people. People he works with, their family, strangers, customers when he worked a service job, patients now that he works in EMS! They don’ t want to know that he was born in CA, or that his dad was born in CA. They want to know why he doesn’t look like them.
This video does a great job of illustrating the where are you from microagression.
Where Are You From? The Game
Yep – all great points. Also I’ve now sent that video to everyone I know. It’s solid gold.
I think the ugliest side of this I’ve seen has been in hiring committees. People saying native-born English speaking Asian American candidates had “issues communicating in English”, female candidates were “too timid” even if they were just fine speaking and equally or more qualified than the men we interviewed, passing over applications because a candidate’s name indicates they might be “foreign” and need visa sponsorship. It’s not great.
Great points. I’ve actually asked my Mom why she didn’t give me a ‘white’ name like she has to help me get jobs easier when they’re looking over applications. That obviously doesn’t address the systemic issues, but even the fact I asked her about that after seeing stats about interview calls backs based on the same resume and a male vs female or stereotypically white vs POC name made me realize how biased the system can be.
So how does one ask about someone else’s ethnic background without it turning into a micro aggression? I’m multiracial and like to ask others about their background as a way of connecting, especially with fellow minorities, I’m probably doing it all wrong. Also, if I think about all my years of school, and that no one got perfect scores on exams, the result is there is a massive amount of stupid in the world. So the outcome you describe is not surprising. It’s not an excuse – when I think of it, it saddens me.
I’m in no way an expert, but I would say: ask exactly like that “What is your ethnic background?” because that is what people are asking when they say “Where are you from?…But where are you REALLY from?” But that question implies that I’m not from this country, which I was born and raised in because I don’t look like the majority (who also aren’t native to this country, but don’t even get me started on that…).
I don’t think you’re doing it all wrong. As a multiracial person I would imagine people are not taken aback as they might be with a white person asking about their ethnic background simply because of that context.
Anyway, I’m pretty sad about the general state of the world right now too, but I think my optimism will come back soon. There is a lot of beauty and kindness around us.
Thanks. That context you are referring to also implies some of us multiracial types are interpreting what some whites are asking as prejudicial, when it is us who are. That saddens me too.
I’m not sure what you mean – can you explain further?
I never heard of microaggression until your piece here but it so describes a number of situations I have found myself in professionally over the years. Comments on the hair, where you are from and things like that where I don’t really know how to be politically correct as in most of these situations I find myself as the only woman and the only person of color in my professional persona. Thanks for giving me a name to it.
That part about people touching your hair without permission is so unacceptable 😡 I don’t know why people think it is ok ever to touch people without their permission. You held it together better than I would have. Good for you.
Ugh I’m sorry you’ve experienced these types of situations too. I also don’t know the appropriate way to address these things since calling it out has failed and letting it go has made me feel gross inside. Maybe having a less docile reaction is what I need to do 😉 .
I totally get it. I had something like that happen and my husband was so angry whereas I was just tired. He was surprised I wasn’t as angry and all I could say was, “I’ve been fighting this my whole life. Sometimes, I just don’t want to deal with it. I need a break.”
I’m glad you’ll be free of this bs in seven months time.
The same thing happened to me with my husband. He was outraged that I was referred to as an ‘n’ or rather he was outraged that he was referred to as an ‘n lover’. I told him to get over it (that he couldn’t call the police about being called a name) and then he was angry at me. I had to explain to him that I’ve had to deal with those types of people my whole life and I didn’t have the energy to either fight or ‘educate’ all of them. I think he learned a lot that day.
@apurplelife – nice post, sorry you had to learn about microaggressions this way.
Oh my goodness that’s horrible! I’m so sorry. I’m glad he started placing his anger in the right place (NOT at you!) and learned more about your perspective. And yeah learning about the term this way wasn’t my ideal scenario 🙂 , but I’m glad I can now put a name to some of uncomfortable interactions I’ve had my whole life.
I’m sorry lady. It’s sad, but true and I definitely feel you. 7 months instead of 37 years. I got this 🙂 .
Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, it sounds like a regular company.
They really need that diversity class. Most people probably don’t know that touching hair is offensive. I didn’t. Fortunately, I don’t touch people I don’t know well.
Yep it’s definitely a pretty standard company in this regard. I got disillusioned into thinking it was more. Not touching people you don’t know well is a good rule of thumb 🙂 . I do the same.
Am I the only one who learned “keep your hands to yourself” as a child??? It simply boggles my mind that anyone would think they had the right to touch anyone else’s hair (or any other part of another person’s body). How very sad. But then I’ve had the benefit of white privilege my entire life.
What is most troubling to me these days is multiple news stories about male students being forced to cut their natural hair to pass their class or graduate! Cities in this country have no problem with unlimited gun ownership, but they’re harmed by a young black man’s dreadlocks??? THIS is the land of the free and the brave??? *SIGH*
It seems like you might be one of the few that learned that unfortunately yes. It boggles my mind too and makes me sad to think about the implications of people touching me without permission (that they feel like they’re ‘owed’/deserve that).
I haven’t heard about kids having to cut off their hair to graduate. That’s completely ridiculous and insulting. As for the “land of the free and the brave”…based on the country’s history I’ve never actually believed that personally. *Sigh* indeed.
I think next time someone wants to touch your hair you should say fine but then I get to pinch your cheeks and pat you on the head. Jokes aside, thought provoking post Purple.
Hahaha maybe I’ll try that if someone pulls this shit my last week in the office 😉 . Glad it provoked some thoughts!
Thanks for writing this! That sucks about your company. I hope the new hire dares well with you gone, but maybe it was doubling the POC at your work that started off the rash of microaggressions. That just sucks that work environment has to be uncomfortable, hostile, and any concerns fall on deaf ears. Only 7 months left for you, and then enjoy yourfreedom from that place. 😁
Yeah I think she’ll do just fine if she doesn’t just decide to wash her hands of their nonsense, which might very well happen unfortunately. It isn’t ideal, but still not as openly hostile as other places I’ve worked so I guess I won’t rage quit just yet 😉 …I’ll just keep counting down the Mondays.
This is so frustrating, and I’m so sorry that this is your experience and the experience of so many.
I can’t relate to many of the microaggressions you experienced, but I have had my male boss ask me (on a scheduled personal day!) to “make the document look a little prettier” (he has a secretary, and I’m not her).
And when I was pregnant? Or pumping at work? The amount of comments and touching. OMG.
It’s like being held hostage in this place where you’re never comfortable but also people aren’t being outright rude so you question them AND yourself. UGH.
Thank you Penny. And your boss did that – and on your day off of all days? Wow. That’s ridiculous. I hope he’s not still your boss. This is the second time today I’ve heard about people touching others who are pregnant. Yuck – I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m scared to ask how people acted in response to you pumping at work.
“It’s like being held hostage in this place where you’re never comfortable but also people aren’t being outright rude so you question them AND yourself” – you are so completely right. Prior to learning there was even a name for this type of behavior I told myself I was just being too sensitive. NOPE! I’m not going to downplay how I’m feeling in reaction to someone’s behavior just because something isn’t all out horrific. Our reactions are valid.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with this!
Thank you Robyn
I feel for your negative experience, Purple. Take heart knowing that it is not like that everywhere. There remain companies, industries and (dare I say) political parties that are rooted in the good ole boy culture. But there are just many that are open, inclusive and progressive.
We had an interesting moment at work when we realized that not a single member of our team had even been born in Canada.
Thank you Neil. It’s good to hear it’s not like that everywhere. Marketing and good ole boy culture is all I know in my career 🙂 . That’s really cool that y’all have so many people that weren’t born in Canada!
Thank you so much for writing about this. (It’s a really challenging topic to broach since people often react poorly). I totally get your not wanting to fight this cultural change (as you are on your way out and the emotional cost is too great). However, I’m wondering for your friend: are there any wypipo at the office who could be your co-worker’s battle partner? She seems willing and looking for a partner in justice, so maybe you know someone you could refer to her to an (I hate this word for reasons) ally with your broader knowledge of the people in the company.
I hope she decides to continue.
Of course and yeah – I was curious how it would pan out. I expected mostly crickets so this level of interaction is a wonderful surprise! My friend is indeed looking for a partner to have her back and has connected to other colleagues who are aware of the situation and empathize with her. In the current group I don’t think she’s going to find anyone that will actually be her partner in justice (love that phrase). We’ve looked – it’s slim pickings on the ground unfortunately. She’s planning to continue right now, but I’ll keep you posted.
Oh goodness. I’m so sorry to hear this. You have every reason to be angry. As a woman in more senior position in the finance industry (I’ve been retired 2 1/2 years now), I experienced micro-aggressions on a regular basis but not until I was close to the RE part of my journey, did I even notice. A lot of times they were disguised as compli-sults and I just moved past them because you learn to ignore stuff like that. The last 9 months of my tenure, a black gentleman was moved to my team with the instructions “manage up or manage out ” (he had already been there a couple of years), and after getting to know him and figuring out how what struggles he was experiencing, I realized that no one bothered to share with him how things actually worked around the company – it was a little microcosm of systemic racism. It was so effing infuriating. He didn’t feel comfortable just saying that out loud to me because I’m guessing, it must be super hard to know who truly has empathy for your experience and who doesn’t. He had the best attitude and work ethic and ability and all I had to do was share with him how the system worked, how to manage the various personalities, etc. Also made me realize that while my gender made things a *tad* bit more difficult, it was nothing like this gentleman’s experience. Once he learned all the “trade secrets”, so to speak, he crushed it.
In hindsight, I realize that there was a lot of a-hole-y and covertly racist type behavior going on in the company and while I was in the thick of it, I think I willfully ignored it. I know that I could have done more over the years, spoken up, reached out to people of color and women, and let them know I had their back somehow. I wish I could somehow give you some wind in your sails to make it through these next several months! I’m hoping that you writing about it and sharing is somewhat therapeutic.
Thank you Liz. I’m sorry to hear about your colleague – that’s awesome you shared the ‘secrets of the trade’ with him. I’m happy to hear he crushed it. Writing about it was definitely therapeutic and hearing that I’m not a failure of a person for not doing more/throwing myself into the thick of it is already putting wind in my sails 🙂 .
I want to be clear that I don’t deserve a pat on the back for that. I was very good at what I did and I coached my team quite well but his success was his own and I left shortly before the crushing started! 🙂 For most of my career, I kept my head down and focused on work and staying out of the BS, but I feel like I should have picked and chose some spots to be more outspoken on those topics.
Us white ppl need to step up our game, plain and simple. You keep grinding at work and I look forward to your next post! I’ll be in Seattle in June and maybe I can meet up with you in person!
Haha fair 🙂 . Basically I just wish I had someone to help me along like that. I think I’ve figured out how to do well at my job, but know there’s a ceiling to it – if there’s a secret formula for advancement it hasn’t been shared with me.
I won’t disagree with you on that 🙂 . I tell my (white) partner he need to step it up all the time 😉 . And oooh yes let’s meet up in Seattle! I’m around the whole month so just let me know what’s up. We can even get the Seattle finance girl group together and bribe Angela to come into the city 🙂 .
It’s not until near the end June and I’ve got Angela locked down to hang out too! I’ll reach out when it gets closer.
Perfection! I can go to her place or she can come to the city – whatever is easier for you.
Im sorry you’ve gone through this.
Do you have any strategies for dealing with microagressions or how to process them without burdening yourself? In reading this post, it seems that life could be a never ending burden of microagression leading an increasing rage overtime.
Thanks Nate and haha no I have no idea how to process them ‘properly’ in the workplace. In IRL I just call them out and people get uncomfortable and quiet. Life is definitely a never ending burden of this type of behavior, but removing work will help a lot because I did not choose those people to spend time with and the power imbalance makes things super weird in situations like the one with my boss’ wife.
Having all of TWO BW suddenly makes them that bold? UGH. Ridiculous.
What the hi and hello is up with these people. We teach kids in PRESCHOOL that you keep your hands to yourself, then you get out here and these full-grown adults are touching BW’s hair or pregnant women’s bellies like we’re public property.
In Walgreens, some rando trapped me into an aisle for a minute trying to insist that he knew the sex of my baby when I was pregnant. If he reached to touch me, I was going to beat him bloody with every hair product within reach. Death by Clairol – totally appropriate!
I’ve had tons of women-related microaggressions and Asian-centered ones too, and I’ve just gotten more grouchy about them. Luckily so far at my current company, while we are still overpopulated with white males, at least one of them is super vocal about ensuring this stuff doesn’t slide past in our client base and that makes a big difference because the other dudes are oblivious half the time. AND he doesn’t even think he deserves a cookie for doing that work.
Haha apparently. It’s quite ridiculous. I don’t know what’s up with them, but preschoolers do seem to be better versed in a lot of things compared to the adults I’ve know in my life so I’m (sadly) not very surprised they would have been taught that and the adults somehow didn’t retain it.
I’m so sad to hear women’s bodies are treated like public property while pregnant. That’s horrifying. And WTF rando in Walgreens?! I like your hair product bludgeoning plan.
Cheers to getting more grouchy about this nonsense. I am as well. That’s great you have one person looking out for you (especially one that doesn’t want a ‘prize’ for doing so 🙂 ).
all of this!
i mean good for you, that you only just had this happen to you!
i’ve been keeping tally…not sure how healthy that is… but it’s like exudating a wound…
https://www.myearlyretirementjourney.com/microaggression-report/
Exudating is a wonderfully gross and graphic word. I read through your list and it’s making me furious, but also realize that I’ve had way more of these experiences than I thought based on your examples (just not at my company until this point). I can’t comment on what’s healthy so you do what you gotta do lady!
Thanks so much for sharing this. Learning about microaggressions was an important point on my journey to anti-racism. It helped to have a name for those things I see (too often!) in schools and call them out. It was also useful to explain what my wife goes through constantly when people ask “where are you from?” “no, where are you really from?”
I’m sorry the company couldn’t remain a place you liked until the end, and I’m glad you have that end in sight.
Of course – thank you for reading. Having a name for behavior I see is super helpful and made me realize my negative reactions were valid. That’s awesome you call out microaggressions at school. I’m sorry your wife goes through that – those questions are so annoying. As for my company, yesterday I described this situation to a friend as “It’s like when a boyfriend you’re going to break up with starts acting like an asshole – it makes it easier to say goodbye” 🙂 . Trying to find the silver lining.
Thank you for this! And I’m so sorry.
I get it, too, and I experience it, daily. When people wonder why they can’t hire and why (often women) walk away from six or even seven figure jobs to live as they choose, well, exhibit A. Work is set up to be rewarding for white men- the rest of are supposed to just be grateful. I plan on walking away for the same reasons.
You can’t fight everything. Everyone picks their battles. Don’t feel bad.
And ugh, NYC. It pretends to be so enlightened, but it’s in the nineteenth century. I have my theories as to why….
Thank you for reading! I’m sorry you experience these things daily – that’s awful. I’m glad you’ll be walking away and am happy to hear I’m not the only one that find this kind of behavior to be a deal breaker. I’ll try not to feel bad about not saving the world 🙂 . NYC really is stuck in the past while thinking they’re the future. It’s fascinating (and sad). Thanks so much for stopping by!
I should add, THANK YOU FOR VALIDATING THE OPTION TO LEAVE THE WORKFORCE OVER MICROAGGRESSIONS!
Very powerful and empowering.
Yay! Happy to help.
I should add that touching people without consent can be considered sexual harassment or assault. I would imagine HR would be unhappy about this happening and would be concerned for the company’s liability.
I agree people will probably be hostile to diversity work but sometimes you just have to train people with a more aggressive approach. “People keep touching my body without consent” is an allegation of assault. HR should pay attention. Something to consider, and IME it gets the problem fixed faster, esp with a brief letter from an attorney.
Interesting point. Our ‘HR’ department consists of one person who is a recruiter, not an HR professional. Based on how the company handles other issues, such as verbal abuse and sexism I am not confident they would care about this to be honest. That 1 recruiter was in the room when these concerns were originally raised. Since I’m personally not willing to even bring up the additional incidents with our leadership getting a lawyer involved isn’t going to happen if I’m honest 🙂 , but thank you for the ideas.
Agreed, a lawyer would be necessary. I try not to hesitate to call one, though. Small companies….
You NYC comment is spot-on. I’ve never read such a great explanation
What a great post! I remember when I was at a leadership conference and I happened to sit next to my company’s new CEO at dinner. When I told him what university (top 20) I graduated from he asked if I got a sports scholarship? I was in shock and could barely answer but said no. I got in with my brains. God forbid a black woman graduates from a top school without playing sports.
I’m like you I’m done fighting. It’s too draining.
OH MY GOODNESS that is so insulting. I’m sorry that happened to you. Wow. Way to try and make a good first impression new CEO – ugh! I’m sorry you’ve gotten to the ‘too draining’ stage with me – it does seem a bit inevitable since this is our daily life.
Hi!
Fun fact: i am a white girl with dreadlocks and i get this question all the time – especially by black people (no jokes!) 🙂 i am quite proud of it actually and it is a cool way of starting a conversation. I ve had them for 14 years now and i don t get tired of them -or that question. It is always a running joke in the family – i am the only one who is allowed to touch my black aunts hair (it really does feel nice and bouncy ;)) and in turn she can touch my dreads… but clearly if you tell someone you don t like it they should at least feel embarrassed and apologize, not laugh!!!
Agreed that laughter is not an appropriate reaction to someone telling you not to touch them. That’s interesting about your dreadlocks – I haven’t heard of someone having them for that long.
Love this! I am also a white girl with dreadlocks and have proudly worn them for the past 20 years; it’s definitely a part of my identity. Weekly, someone will ask me, “You black/mixed?” or “Can I touch your hair?” My response to the You black/mixed? question is, “Not that I know of – I’ve never taken a DNA test. Are you?” To which the questioner then almost always appears offended, like it should be obvious. It’s not offensive to ask me but it’s offensive for me to ask you back? My response to the Can I touch your hair question is, “As long as I can rub my face in yours!” which pretty much stops all action and conversation at that point. I don’t know where your hands have been, and my face is probably cleaner than your hands! Eww.
I will admit I do have one caveat to this: I work with the elderly. If anyone over the age of 70 tugs on my hair without asking, I use that moment to have a conversation about why different hair styles work for different folks. Most of the time it ends in hugs and adorable little old ladies asking their hairdressers how to do dreadlocks (I mention the lack of maintenance required and they like that). I wish I could see that hairdresser’s reaction!!
I love that you turn that question back on them (and am sadly not surprised a lot are offended). Also love your response to can I touch your hair. Hilarious! That’s awesome you use interactions like that with older people as a learning opportunity. I wish I could see the hairdresser’s reaction too 🙂 !
One suggestion I have is a strategy I used once to deflect a political comment made during an evening out with my husband and another couple. The wife made comment that implied we were in agreement with her view, and I responded quickly and with a smile, “Oh we better not talk about politics!” and then continued the conversation in a neutral vein.
The only reason I mention this is I think it might be a good strategy to deflect unwanted behavior in a setting where you just don’t want to get into what makes you angry, and what is wrong with said comment.
In other settings I have prayed for strength and courage to stand up to ignorance, and have done so recently in an online forum (in our FIRE community no less!) where someone said something really unkind and crude and I pushed back in a calm but unequivocal way, asking him why he’d say such a thing, and telling him “Be kind, be civil, say nothing if you cannot.”
Hi Kathleen – That’s an interesting suggestion, thank you! Congratulations on standing up to ignorance – in a FIRE forum no less, that takes a lot of guts! It sounds like you have a very even-keeled response to these kinds of things. I’m going to see how I can integrate a similar kind of calm in my interactions 🙂 .
Purple, I was glad to read this post. Thank you for addressing this topic, although it made me sad. Folks of all races have the difficult problem of walking in other’s shoes, and unfortunately, it happens to “white” people as well. It’s truly a two-way street. Persons of one culture simply (often) do not know what it is like to be in a different culture and while that does not grant people a pass or excuse their insensitivity, I have seen microagressions from other races in my 40 year working career. In my case, I have seen ageism, homophobia and what I like to think of as over-bearing straight culture. And let’s not overlook sportsfan culture with people assuming that everyone loves professional sports. I’ve seen religious people assume I’m a Christian. It really goes beyond race in my view. I was at one time a minority white person in one of my jobs so I got first hand experience on the other side of that. Enlightening for sure.
That being said, it appears that people are looking for common ground and sometimes they make assumptions.
Glad you enjoyed it Keith. Those are interesting points. In general I’m overall surprised with people’s lack of empathy – even outside of microagressions. A quick mental question of “How would I feel if someone did this to me?” is the first thing I think of before doing something, but that seems to not be the case for everyone.
Okay, I am also the only black woman in my company and can relate to this x 1,000. Things have become particularly….interesting/eye-opening…since George Flyod’s murder. Long story short…I need to GTFO. Thank you for sharing your story =)
Ugh I’m sorry you can relate to this and SO sorry that that example of police brutality has brought out less than stellar behavior. I hope you GTFO soon! And thank you for reading it 🙂 .
I’m a Nigerian Immigrant working at a relatively diverse company. (Just 2 Africans though)
While I do get some “interesting” questions and comments, they hardly even register as inappropriate because even in my own country+state+city+town where most people are racially and ethnically homogeneous, people still go back down ancestral lines to find the smallest differences and capitalize on those..
I can kinda understand when a white person asks me about Nigeria and asks whether I know someone they happen to know from Uganda – (as if Africa is some sort of small village and we all know each other) – cos I can at least assume they mean no harm and are merely ignorant…
But it beats me when people that are indistinguishable to an outsider still find a tiny difference to base discrimination on…
Its so unfortunate.
That makes me sad that people find the smallest thing to see the differences in people instead of the similarities. It is indeed unfortunately. Thank you for sharing your experiences!