How To Celebrate Love Without Breaking The Bank

My partner and I recently celebrated 11 years of being together. Last week also included the suspicious holiday of Valentine’s Day (I’m suspicious of holidays that corporations use as a means to promote spending money and buying crap, but I digress). Because of these two events, this seemed like a good time to reflect on how my partner and I are able to celebrate our love without throwing our wallets out the window.

This is a question I’m asked fairly often by people who are looking to reduce their spending: How do I reduce spending if that money is going towards spending time with my partner? How can I reduce my spending when dating is so expensive? I’m obviously not a relationship expert, but below are some guidelines that have helped me celebrate my relationship without breaking the bank.

Figure Out What You Both Enjoy

My partner and I met when we were in college and both had no money. As a result, we learned what free and frugal things we enjoyed together. We love food, the outdoors and the people we love, and our spending together and apart reflects that overall. So when our incomes started increasing and we were able to spend more lavishly on each other, we mostly just didn’t because doing so wouldn’t give us more outdoors, food (to an extent) and time with the people we love (except when we buy them or ourselves cross country tickets to see them, but those are often travel hacked).

We had that time to reflect on our values when we were young and have carried that knowledge with us throughout the years. This has helped us combat the marketing engine designed to make us think that expensive flowers or jewelry or even a new car bought without mutual agreement (what is WITH those commercials?!) is the only appropriate way of expressing your love.

So when we’re trying to decide what to do to celebrate a milestone, such as our anniversary, we turn to what would bring us the most joy and we’re lucky that after all this reflection, we know that those things don’t cost a lot of money.

For this anniversary, my partner was tasked with choosing where we would go to dinner – anyplace in the city that he wanted. I did actually expect him to choose a fairly upscale place just to do something different, but he (without prompting) chose a Japanese food happy hour that we had greatly enjoyed before. All the plates are absolutely delicious and only $1.25-$5.

Our anniversary was a surprisingly sunny day for a Seattle winter, so we decided to walk to the restaurant across the city instead of taking the bus or an Uber. The walk took about an hour and we got to enjoy views of Seattle’s many lakes and mountain ranges along the way. That choice wasn’t made to save money, but to have more of what we enjoy and it just happened to keep more change in our pockets. Win/Win!

If I could choose to do anything in the world for a date with my partner, I would personally choose making dinner at home, opening a bottle of wine and watching a film that expands our minds before cleaning up, talking about our day and then going to bed.

I know I sound like a 60 year old that’s been married a million years saying that, but that’s really the kind of date that makes me happiest. No crowds, no wait staff to deal with, just a comfortable evening completely focused on the person I love. I know I’m lucky that that doesn’t cost much money at all and that my partner agrees that is a wonderful date night, but similarly I’m sure there are items you both enjoy that don’t cost a boatload of money.

Know It’s Not All About Cost

After eating way too much food for the shocking total price of $18.75 at that Japanese restaurant, we decided to take the bus home instead of walking since it had gotten chilly after the sun had set. While waiting for the bus, I was bouncing on each leg to keep warm (I’m a serious cold wimp after growing up in Georgia). I suggested we take an Uber instead because I was cold. The estimated uber cost was a little less than $10 total (which actually became $5 because I got $5 cash back with the Freebird app – feel free to use promo code l3575 to get $10 back after your first 2 rides).

A bus would have cost $5 total anyway. I didn’t know at the time that we ordered it, that I would get a full $5 off (a standard return is more $1-2 for a $10 ride), but we still decided that possible extra $5 over bus fare was totally worth it to be home in 10 minutes instead of 30 and get me out of the cold. So it’s not all about cost – it’s about a balance of what you both want while letting cost at least be a consideration, but not the main one in your relationship.

Be Prepared To Compromise

My partner enjoys receiving and giving gifts. It brings him joy. On the other hand, I actually greatly dislike receiving gifts. I’m notoriously difficult to shop for (the last two years my partner’s parents have asked what I want for Christmas and I’ve said “nothing” and when that didn’t fly, we settled on “one pair of warm socks”). Further, when I receive a gift that I wasn’t a part of the brainstorming process for, it is often something I don’t need and most likely won’t use and then I get sad that the person who bought it in essence, wasted their money.

But my partner has helped me understand that receiving gifts is not actually all about me. Some people genuinely feel joy giving gifts – seemingly regardless of the utility of it or the amount of use it will get (I feel like my robot tendencies are showing as I write this…)

Anyway, as a compromise, I give my partner gifts for his birthday and Christmas. Instead of buying him stuff, which he is fully capable of doing, I usually make a card myself and within it include an experience I have created for him, such as a Chowder Tour I’ve created across the city of Seattle (he loves Chowder) or a tour of a local whiskey distillery.

In return, he gives me a letter he writes for my birthday and has actually made me eat my words about not enjoying Christmas presents when he gifted me with a share of Vanguard’s Total Bond Index (which I sold – with his permission – to buy a share of VTSAX and continue my 100% stock portfolio). We’ve made it work so we’re both getting what we need from each other and found ways to express that without a lot of money.

Don’t Get Sucked Into Marketing Bullshit

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I am suspicious of how corporations twist the meaning of holidays to incentivize us to spend more money and buy things we don’t need. The biggest example of this I have ever heard of had to do with how diamond engagement rings became a thing. I was shocked to discover that it was because of an ad campaign that was launched in 1938 by the De Beers diamond company.

Their marketing was the first time people were told that diamonds were priceless symbols of love and commitment and that to show your love you have to buy a diamond worth X times your monthly salary. This is the same company that created the famous tagline, “A Diamond is Forever” in 1947, which the trade publication Advertising Age magazine named the best advertising slogan of the 20th century (I’m letting my nerdy ad agency background show a little here…)

Anyway, the fact that something that’s now accepted as common cultural knowledge (if you get married you HAVE to have a diamond ring) is all based on an ad campaign, shook me. So beware of getting sucked into the ever present marketing bullshit surrounding love and holidays in general. Money is not a substitute for feelings and feelings can easily be expressed without it.

Conclusion

Relationships, and to an extent dating, don’t have to be pricey. If you both openly discuss what you enjoy doing together, keep in mind that money isn’t the most important factor, acknowledge that compromise is inevitable in a relationship and have open communication, then I think it’s pretty simple to celebrate your love without emptying your wallet.

How do you date or celebrate your relationship without breaking the bank?