Let’s get right to it: I’ve never wanted children. Interestingly, the decision not to have kids is one of the few things in life that you have to defend not doing. Now that my friends have moved past an abundance of weddings we’ve entered the “baby making” phase and I now get more questions about why I don’t want children than any other decision in my life (including retiring at 30…).
My answer to this question is actually quite unsatisfying: I just don’t. I never have. I personally have no interest in getting pregnant, passing along my genes or parenting the next generation. I don’t have a ‘real’ reason – I just have never wanted that for myself. I understand that having these thoughts goes against our very purpose as organisms to perpetuate humanity so I do get why it can be surprising to people, but that’s how I feel and have always felt.
Break Free
Our society is a weird place. Many people in it seem to mindlessly encourage and expect you to follow a standard life script straight out of a 1950s sitcom: get hitched, buy a house, have kids (yes – multiple) and work until you die – despite the fact it’s 2021 and there are so many examples of alternate life choices. A sitcom script is not the only option.
The Opposition
I’ve mentioned on this blog the rude assumptions people have made when I respond to “WHEN are you getting married?” with “We’re not.” Well, the responses I’ve received after I answer “WHEN are you having kids” with “We’re not.” are at times even more insulting and have included:
“You’ll change your mind – just wait until that biological clock starts ticking.”
“You might want to reconsider soon – You’re not getting any younger!”
“But your mixed race babies would be so cute!” (Ummm… )
“You owe it to the world to spread your beauty and smarts!” (Do I though???)
“But then your genes will die with you!” (Yeah…so?)
I personally don’t want to have kids and I do not judge anyone who does want them, but I do believe children should be had by people who want them wholeheartedly – and that’s not me or my partner.
Confirmation
Up to now, my decision was all based on feelings and now after having lived in a commune style situation with my brother-un-law, sister-un-law and my two year old nephew for 6 months as well as helping to care for my one year old baby cousin for 3 weeks, I can now confirm this stance is also based on observation and experience 🙂 .
I talked about the weeks I spent in Connecticut helping my baby cousin and his mother out in several of my weekly retirement updates, such as Week 4, Week 5 and Week 6. A common theme throughout all of them was disbelief at how tiring it is taking care of a tiny creature who sleeps most of the day.
Throughout the experience though, I realized that it’s not just the active care that is time consuming – outside of watching him and making sure he doesn’t swallow anything he shouldn’t and feeding him like five times a day – there are all the background items that need to happen too, such as cleaning bottles and doing endless laundry. And that’s obviously on top of the things you need to do just for yourself, such as having a job to pay the bills and feeding yourself.
I was only an assistant nanny at best and more accurately an emotional support blanket later on, but I was SO tired. I asked my Mom how the hell she managed to do all this as a single Mom and she just nonchalantly responded “Oh you’re just exhausted all the time”…as if that’s a normal and acceptable response 🙂 .
All that to say, between caring for an infant and living with a toddler, I can now say that I am 1000% sure I never want to have kids and that my previous decision to be childfree was the right one. I shudder to think what kind of kid I would create and nurture based on my current stance on the subject (…is this how serial killers are made?). Anyway, jokes aside, I thought I was 100% sure of my decision when I made it a few years ago, but through these actual experiences living with children, I’m even more sure now.
Conclusion
Having kids isn’t for me or my partner and I look forward to the day when that decision is more normalized and accepted in society so I can stop being asked “When are you having kids?” Instead, if I ever get the urge to hold a baby (it hasn’t happened yet, but maybe one day…), I’ll snuggle one of my many nieces and nephews before handing them right back to their parents 🙂 . Kids aren’t for us and I think being open about that and not succumbing to societal peer pressure is better for everyone.
Do you have kids? If so, did you always know you would have kids? If not, how did you come to that decision?
Nice post and fully agree that this is one of the rare topics where you have to explain why you do NOT want to do something 🙂
Personally, I mention other reasons, such as “babies are boring” (not before the parents, though :), but somehow the little ones only circle in sleep-eat-sleep-play mode), “I have other stuff to do with my life” (hobbies, taking care of my loved ones, community life) and most importantly “having kids is for transmission of your ideas, point of views etc, but if you end up outsourcing the care to kindergarten, school, nannies, there is no point in having them”.
The last one helps for arguments such as “you are too selfish”
Thank you and yeah it’s super weird 🙂 . Interesting counterpoint to the “selfish” comments. Those personally have never made sense to me.
It’s so misogynistic to tell women they are “selfish” for prioritizing their own wants and needs over the needs of people (their theoretical children) who don’t even exist. So silly.
Thanks for the post!
Yes indeed it is 🙂 . And you’re welcome!
Even though you absolutely did not need to justify your choice, thank you so much for this! At the end of the day, yes, that particular decision needs to be normalized.
It’s so frustrating to be asked why we do not want children. It’s like our reasons are never good enough to others and they just brush them off. Can’t we just NOT want them?
How many times have I been told I would change my mind? I lost count a long time ago.
Anyway, I’m 29 and intend to be childless forever and I’m always happy to hear about someone with a similar point of view. Thanks for this article Purple! 🙂
And thank you for saying that 🙂 . I explained to a friend why her “you’ll change my mind” comment was so rude (aka assuming you know more about my mind and body than I do) and she was horrified. Maybe I should take the time to explain to more people, but it’s usually acquaintances I already don’t like who say dumb shit like this and I can’t be bothered 🙂 . Thank you!
My wife and I don’t want kids and we get told we’ll change our mind all the time. Though less and less as we’re both now in our mid-30s.
The irritating thing is, you can’t really argue against it… It’s definitely possible that we will change our minds. Even though we know we won’t. 🙂 But to argue against it just makes you seem kind of stubborn or something … In no other circumstance in life would this be an acceptable thing to say someone .. eg. if I were to ask if you like coffee, want to go to the beach, like football / dogs etc.? – to respond with ‘you will change your mind’ would be considered extremely rude / outright weird. But not with ‘do you want to have children’ ?
Sorry for the rant, I think you’ve triggered me with this post. Anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this one.
Maybe I should respond to the “you will change your mind” people with “you will change your mind” about them HAVING kids 🙂 …totally kidding. I won’t stoop to their rude level, but the idea made me laugh. I love the rant – sorry I triggered you and yes it’s such a weird societal thing. Happy to share!
Lol. Would be best said to someone with 2-3 kids aged under 6 years old. 🤣
But then they might agree with me…;)
I’m confused by your use of the term “in-law” if you’re not married.
I assume she uses it because the english language doesn’t have terminology to support relationships between unmarried couples and their extended families. Could we instead say “my boyfriend/partner’s brother and his wife”? sure. But we all know what she means by in-laws.
English brings in the “legal” status into the relationship but I’m pretty sure other languages use terms that are based of the couple being a couple and not on whether the coupledom is “legalized”.
Got it in one! Thank you 🙂 . I mentioned a few posts ago that partner’s brother’s wife was a mouthful so she asked me to call her sister in law especially since her son calls me Aunt. Someone came up with “un-law” recently to be more accurate and I’ve started using that.
As someone from Quebec, I thought the question was so weird – common law partners are quite common here – Then I read Thomas’ response… it is indeed interesting that the English language brings in the “legal” status into the relationship.
In French the terms used are “Belle-soeur” “Beau-Frère”, from a quick research since the Middle Ages – 5th to 15th century. So like “Pretty Sister” and “Handsome Brother” lol. While the term “mother-in-law” seems to have appeared in the 14th to 15th century but it was also used for “step-mother”. Interesting stuff!
Either way, to me saying in-law or un-law is both clear and understandable haha! Just find it fascinating to look into the origins of the words and see the differences between languages. Also, if you’re considered common law partners anyways the in-law seems to still work right?
That’s so cool! I didn’t know any of that and yeah it’s weird we put legal status in there. Hopefully we can evolve the language to be more clear as partnership becomes more normalized (fingers crossed). We’re not common law partners since that is ALSO a legal definition that requires paperwork 🙂 , but yeah I think it works as a short hand.
Oh that is so interesting! In Canada, it’s no paperwork required, simply having lived together for a year would mean you are in a Common-Law relationship. I think the term De Facto relationship is also used… perhaps this is the legal term in the US. I dunno! I agree, hopefully the language evolves for us who choose to live in partnerships :).
Yeah I looked into it when we were exploring healthcare options (ughghg the US) and the rules vary by state, but all of the ones I checked require you to go to a court house and sign something that you’re common law…so it’s like a mini-marriage. So fascinating…and annoying 🙂 .
My ex and I did it for health insurance using massachusetts rules(his company base) while living in Illinois. We just had to go to thee currency exchange and notarize the we lived together now and intended to for the coming year. We had to renew every year. To “divorce” I just signed my own lease. Easy Peary and no involvement of the law or or family busybodies. Allowed fir a private peaceful split.
Cool! I didn’t know in some states you had to renew every year. Super cool about the way to ‘divorce’ though. Maybe I should look into being a resident of MA 😉 .
un-law
😉
Thanks for writing about this topic! I get tired of answering the kids question too. I just don’t see the costs and risks of having kids as being worth it for me. I might change my mind some day, but I would rather spend the time I have now focusing on my career, building more wealth, and just relaxing with my husband outside of work.
It is a cost/benefit analysis just like everything else – it fascinates me when people try to claim it’s just an emotional one…kinda like marriage now that I’m thinking about it 🙂 . You do you!
Good for you. Kids are really really hard work. Only people who want kids should have kids that’s for sure.
Can you share some thoughts about your father? Perhaps the reason why you don’t want kids also is because your mom was a single mother?
Agreed! As for your question, I don’t think being raised by one parent for a while or my situation with father figures has anything to do with my decision. My bio dad was around from birth to 7 and I had a stepfather from 7 to 30. My partner’s parents have been together his whole life and yet, neither of us want kids.
I don’t have kids but I will one day. Always knew I would have them. Probably 2-3 🙂
It’s a personal choice so I don’t get why it’s such a sensitive issue for some people. Everyone should do what’s good for them.
Cheers!
Very cool! And yeah I don’t get it either – people are weird about policing women’s choices in, well…basically everything now that I think about it 🙂 .
I’m in my 40s and still get asked when we are having kids. I have NEVER wanted my own children. Never ever. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told oh, you’ll change your mind (haven’t yet and now it would be a medical nightmare for me to be pregnant), who will take care of you when you are old (my personal favorite because how selfish are you if that’s all you want a kid for), they are such fun (I do think kids are great, especially when they go home), sorry you can’t get your tubes tied bc you will want kids, have your hubs get a vasectomy instead (infuriates me, why is it ok for him to not have kids, but I have to want them). The list goes on as I’m sure you are aware.
Thank you for bring this up. It’s so important to talk about.
I have many friends that desperately want kids and have STRUGGLED with having/adopting them, and I feel so lucky I’ve never had to fight for that. I just fight the opposite.
Unrelated, I do think not having children has allowed us to do so much more and will allow us to retire earlier than most of our friends.
Thanks for talking about this. I’m in the middle, not sure yes if I want all that responsibility. It’s really tiring. I’ve helped raise some kids in my family, and oh lord, the satisfaction that they’re parents would come for them is amazing lol. But sometimes I do feel that little calling to be a mom. Let’s see what happens later in my life. Let’s see if I’ll change my mind. Kudos to you for not changing your mentality because of others opinion. It’s frustrating when people keep asking you the same question when you already gave them an answer.
You do you! And yeah it is frustrating 🙂 . Good luck!
Thank you for sharing your experiences – the encounters sound quite frustrating ugh. Happy to share!
I find that somehow women are only ever questioned about their decision to not have kids. For men it seems more acceptable to society – even in 2021. So fuck patriarchy and go, Purple!
(Though I have to add that your picture choice for this post is uber-cute!!! 😀 )
Accurate! My partner hasn’t gotten as much questioning or pushback as I have about kids or marriage. FUCK THE PATRIARCHY! 🙂 And haha yeah I thought it was a cute picture as well 😉 .
“ Oh you’re just exhausted all the time”…as if that’s a normal and acceptable response 🙂 .”
Ahahahahaha. At least the baby years, SO freaking accurate.
I think the only reason I’m not constantly exhausted now 6 years later is because we stopped at one 😉
There you go with your smart choices again 😉 . You do you lady!
I feel the same, Purple. I’ve never wanted kids. I was literally thinking about this, this morning. What does it feel like to want kids? I don’t even know. When I’m asked about having kids, I would describe what I feel as apathy. Some days, it’s straight up revulsion. No one should want me to have kids feeling that way! 😂
I am open that I might change my mind — weirder things have happened in my life. But, until they do, deffo no kids. Thanks for writing this! ❤️
Yeah I don’t know either. My friend and I were sitting in a park one time and there were kids on the playground. I looked over and said to her “wow it just hit me how much I don’t want kids” and she said “OMG I was just thinking the opposite.” It seems like it’s just something you know.
I totally agree that I think no one should intentionally have kids unless they’re all in. Awesome job thinking about what you want – whatever you decide!
I can so relate to this post as well as well as the frustration of having people think it’s fine to question others’ life decisions that go against the norm. I’ve had people grill me on why I’m not married if I’ve lived with my partner for 15 years? Um, none of your business?
I never wanted to have kids either and now that I’m in my 40s, I’d say that decision is final. Like you, I never had the urge and I find babies more scary than anything. Plus, I think I would resent giving up what’s left of my free time to care for a child.
I’ve heard the “you’re too selfish” argument before too, which makes absolutely no sense to me. I think it’s the exact opposite and it’s selfish to have kids unless you wholeheartedly want them and can take care of them financially and emotionally.
Thanks for writing about this as it does sometimes feel like I’m alone in wanting to be child-free.
None of their business is right 🙂 ! Babies are indeed…interesting 😉 also I think pre-identifying possible resentment is a great thing. That’s one of the reasons my partner and I don’t combine finances. And yeah totally agree – the selfish argument makes 0 sense to me. You are not alone!
Never even thought about having kids. Never dreamed of a wedding either. Is it because my parents and my siblings had marriages that… while strong in their own way, were not the way I wanted to live? Dunno. Or because I was taking care of other people’s kids I totally realized it was exhausting and didn’t have the naivete to jump in to it. Dunno. I do know that most of my ex’s would have made great dads, so that wasn’t it.
My favorite mind your own beeswax story? I was 50 years old and dating a guy with a 5-year old. One of the parents said, “are you going to have your own?” I THOUGHT at 50 this nonsense would stop, so I said, “oh… I’m 50.” Response? She gave me the business card of her fertility doctor. ugh….
Same…My family is a 50/50 representation of good and bad marriages. My partner’s family is almost 100% ‘good’, but neither of us want to get married. I don’t know if more examples would have changed my mind 😉 . And OMG that woman WTF?!? Wow – that’s next level ridiculous. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
I am the only child free woman at work and literally asked almost daily when I’m going to have kids and told that I’m going to change my mind one day. Not kidding.
But the child free men are never asked at the same workplace. And my husband has been asked maybe once or twice in his whole career….
At one point, I snapped and told the main perpetrators to bother some of the child free men and was treated with blank stares and was told “that’s not appropriate”. But it’s appropriate to constantly bother me at work?!? Argh!!! Okay, rant over:)
Wow – your coworkers sound not awesome. I’m sorry. And YES they never ask the childfree men ughghgh. So annoying. That’s an awesome response – I’m sorry they had too much of a double standard to see it. Grrr. I enjoyed the rant!
We are also happily childless. A couple of years ago, we had a roommate with a 6-year-old daughter. She was a delight & so much fun to be around… and I was still SO happy with my decision to not have kids. They have entirely too much energy for me to keep up with, lol. I will continue to enjoy being “Tia Jenn” to my friends’ kiddos & happily give them back each time. I know my mother desperately wanted grandchildren, and sometimes a feel a little… wistful, maybe? that I couldn’t give her that joy. I love her dearly, but she agrees that nobody should have children if it isn’t what they want.
So here’s to the childless women who hope that one day our demographic won’t have to explain themselves!
Yep – kids can be cool and you also not want them 🙂 . I love how it’s hard for some people to imagine those two thoughts can coexist. Yachts are cool too, but I don’t want to own one 😉 . That’s interesting about your mother. Do you know why exactly she wanted them? I’m so curious. My Mom has said she does not want grandkids so me making this decision was accidentally perfect. Love that she agreed no one should have kids if they don’t want them though – I seem to be hearing the opposite from others who want grandkids. And woohoo! To hopeful progress!!
My wife and I chose to have three kids, we’d have had more if we had started earlier. But that was only because my wife saw that as one of her purposes, being a mom. And that’s ok, just like not wanting kids is ok. What’s not really ok is wanting kids and not being able to have them or having unwanted kids. Those are just tragedies. My kids are grown and successful and mostly happy I’d say. None of them have kids, my son says they don’t plan to, one daughter I think does and the other is unsure. We’ve never asked them about it, if they want to tell us that’s fine. We never give them any advice unless they ask us for it. How could we possibly advise another couple when we aren’t living their lives, just our own. I think it is generational at least statistically. Boomers like us mostly had kids without a lot of deep thought, and we didn’t retire super early. Your generation is more thoughtful, more questioning and more confident in bucking past trends. And that’s a good thing I think.
Agree all around. That’s awesome you don’t ask your kids about their plans – so much pressure seems to come from within families. Also this needs to be the tagline of our generation now I think: “Your generation is more thoughtful, more questioning and more confident in bucking past trends.” 🙂 . Definitely a good thing.
50 and childless here…my husband and I never wanted them and we have no regrets at all. I can say that your friendship choices are a little limited because we don’t have much in common with couples that do have kids. In my experience, they tend to talk about and focus on their kids which their kids should absolutely be a priority. We just can’t really relate. After a while, it’s hard to fake interest in all the cute and funny things their kids do!
Nice! And that’s interesting about friends with kids. Interestingly both my and my partner’s main friend group from college that we still keep in touch with all don’t have kids either so our main groups have remained in tact. My new friends that now have kids and I still hang out, but I’m curious if that will change down the line or if we’ll keep doing so as their kids get older and rely on them less. We shall see!
I’ve always wanted kids, but the older and more set in my ways I get, the less I can see how they’d fit in with my life.
And as the single-est single person out here, I don’t see how it’s even going to be possible, anyway 🙂
I mean you don’t necessarily need two to tango 😉 . There are always kids looking for a home. But obviously fair point on seeing how they would fit into your life. I personally can barely care for myself so I would do that to a kid 😉 .
When people outside of my “circle” ask if I have kids, I reply “No.”
If they ask why not? I reply “Because I can’t.”
Regardless if that is true- it shuts them up real quick 🙂
That is a very interesting response. Thank you for sharing.
Kudos for talking about this “taboo” subject. The more we talk about things, the more we normalize them.
It never stops, btw. We are older & childfree. Now, when ppl ask us if if we have kids and we say no, they assume this is our second marriage, and ask if either of us had kids in a previous marriage. :-O
That’s the goal! And ughghg sad to hear it never stops. Why ARE people 🙁 !?!?
1000% with you on this one! Also it’s really important to be aligned early on with your partner. My partner and I had a discussion a few years back and wholeheartedly agreed to have a dog and no kids (although that german shephard dog is a lot of work too!!)
Agreeeeed on aligning with your partner early on. I’ve seen some friends and family not do that and it’s led to some…not great situations. And awww I grew up with German Shepherds – so cute!
I’ve always been ambivalent about raising children. I have lived with many pregnant people and newborns. It’s so exhausting. I prefer to Aunt. Especially since my wife and I are both cis; acquiring a child is so much work.
Being an auntie is awesome! I loled at your terminology (“acquiring” a child 🙂 ), but get it – there have been a few adoptions in my family and it’s such a process.
Same. I’m now in my early 40s and don’t have kids, never wanted kids. I was outspoken on this fact when I was 14 (for sure never wanted to be pregnant but early on left open the idea of adoption). By my 20s I was sure I wasn’t going to have kids.
At least once I’ve heard, “but what if it isn’t planned and just happens?” Yo, kids don’t just happen – they take time to grow from divided cells. There is no “just happening” without choices when making babies. But would I become a parent if something happened to my sister and her spouse? Hell, yes.
I don’t hate kids. I did loads of babysitting in my teens and some in early 20s too. But I’m also not the person who hears the baby brought in to visit at the office and rushes over to see/hold it.
I see so many more people being and talking about being kid-free now, I know the internet is helping normalize the status. It’s always a good thing that we think about why we want what we want, or don’t want, in our lives.
That’s awesome you figured out what you want! No one has asked me the planning question, but if they did “I’ve had an abortion fund set aside since I started having sex” would be my answer. Kids indeed do not just happen.
The assumption that because someone doesn’t want kids means that they hate them is so strange. Seems illogical to me. Anyway, love the internet and that we’re all talking about this more. Normalization and actually thinking about major life choices here we come!
THIS!!!! 100%. At 51, I STILL get comments about not having children> Like WTF. When I was younger it was “Oh you will change your mind” Nope never did. Then it was “What if it just happens?” Well first of all I am very serious about NOT having children so I actively plan on how NOT have them, family planning isn’t just about having children. Duh! And fortunately during my 20s/30s/and most of my 40s Abortion clinics and providers were easily accessible. The same can not be said today, which is a very scary and infuriating. But my all time favorite was “What about your husband” Yeah What about him??
Ugh I’m sorry. And OMG “what if it happens” – I have yet to get that, but I will happily bring up the abortion fund I’ve kept in addition to an emergency fund since I started having sex…if they really want to go there 🙂 . Yeah the decline in abortion clinic availability is worrying. And oh my goodness “What about your husband”?!? You are talking to some real gems – I’m so sorry you’ve had to put up with that garbage.
This is simplifying things, but having a kid is very similar to starting a longterm high-intensity career. And, just like a high-intensity job, you know you’re in for a very intense, exhausting, demanding few years, which eventually gets easier as you gain experience & seniority, then gets challenging again as new attitudes enter the “workplace” about a decade into working there (the teen years). And, you can’t leave the job until you’ve put in a minimum of 18 years. But, the payoff is insanely good. Even so, there are plenty of jobs with incredible pay-offs that aren’t for me; I’d never want to be a chef, or a cubicle worker, or a celebrity, and I certainly don’t want to work an oil rig despite how lucrative it is. Having a kid (mine is 2) has been one of the most surprising & delightful experiences of my life, but I was lucky enough to decide I wanted this job, and get it. Not everyone is as fortunate, and like another comment said, the real tragedy is when people want kids and can’t have them, or miscarriages, or when this is forced on someone unwillingly. Also, to all the non-parents, I was also the exhausted babysitter thinking, “How the eff do parents do this??” I have the answer now! Kids aren’t born as toddlers…they enter the world as newborns, and surprisingly, a newborn is a lot easier than you’d expect. You ease into it with your skill levels naturally leveling up as your kid levels up (yes, like a video game). 😂🤷♀️ It’s like having a really high-maintenance drunk friend you have to look after. Mostly funny, sometimes annoying, often exasperating, but oh my goodness, the stories.
(And I hope none of that came across as anything other than super supportive of people who decide they don’t want kids—be true to yourself!! Just sharing my insights because I never heard anyone describe parenthood in a way that matched my own experience)
That’s a very interesting way to look at it and I love the idea that the kid grows to your skill level 🙂 . Kids = a video game and/or a drunk friend. Put it on a t-shirt!
I am not decided and am attracted to elements of both decisions. And I’m grateful that, even though you did not need to provide us any information on your decision, you did and that normalizes the conversation that this is a CHOICE. It is wild that the childfree have to defend the decision. If anything, it should be the opposite.
I really enjoyed this blog post and the comments on the decision to live childfree: https://cupofjo.com/2021/01/deciding-not-to-have-kids/
Happy to help 🙂 and yes it is indeed wild. Thank you for the link!
I’m 38 and my boyfriend is 35 and we are both on the same page with remaining child-free. Love my nieces but the older I got the more I realized I had no burning desire for one of my own. I actually don’t get asked this question much here in southern california. I spend a lot of time with other childless couples/individuals so that may be why, lol. I find the friends with kids are just not able to make as many plans (pre-COVID) but I’ve also noticed here at the beach that there are A LOT of people like me, choosing an alternative/non-traditional lifestyle so it seems more the social norm I suppose? Certainly when I go back to Virginia and visit family I hear the questions about marriage and having kids a lot more.
That’s interesting about the regional difference in being asked these questions. Now that I think about it – I don’t think I got any in the 5 years I lived in Seattle outside the northeastern rural weddings we went to. Interesting point about people with kids not being able to make many plans. My main friend group hasn’t had kids so nothing has changed for me personally. I’m curious if I’ll find them same if they choose to have them.
Good read and I love hearing your story. As a mom of two kids, I think parenthood is HARD and exhausting and I look forward to my freedom one day. Until then, bedtime is my refuge.
Thank you! And hang in there 🙂 .
I’m always amazed at how different the reaction is for men and women on this issue. I realized I wanted to be child-free when I was about 25, and not once has anyone ever told me “I’d grow out of it”. My wife has gotten questioned about it A LOT more. At least until I got a vasectomy, and now no one asks follow-ups. 😂
Yeeeeah it’s ridiculous. That’s awesome the vasectomy stopped the questions. I once heard “it can be reversed” in response to someone mentioning that ughghghghg!
I’m female and once told someone I had a vasectomy. The momentary confusion allowed my escape:-)
OMG I love this 🙂 . Might have to try it.
Bravo on knowing yourself! Much like you, my decision about having kids was crystalized by living in a communal environment with kids (for me it was in the Peace Corps). Though I came to the opposite conclusion, that I love kids and was totally ready to start making babies.
It’s crazy that people would be so presumptuous about such an important life decision. Though – just to guess where some of this pushback may come from – since becoming a parent I’ve come to see how incompatible our culture is with child-rearing, and non-parents can be some of the worst offenders, complaining about babies/kids in public spaces, or about funding public education, or about family friendly workplace policies (https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/05/technology/parents-time-off-backlash.html). It truly does take a village to raise a child, and seeing the difference between child-rearing in an indigenous village in Latin America and in NYC has been an eye-opening look into who we are as Americans.
Yeah the world seems very “pro baby” until that baby is here and then provides so little support for the parents it’s ridiculous.
That’s interesting about childfree people being against that kind of stuff. I would imagine making them have children may in a round about logical way get them onboard, but my partner and I already support things that move society forward and help others, such as voting to increase our taxes that go to schools and then happily paying them. I think that people having empathy is more a sign of how they will approach the “it takes a village” mantra instead of them having kids themselves.
One of the things that played into my decision to be child free is the minimal value placed on childrearing by society. Lots of lip service and guilt trips but no maternal leave, the mommy track, parental penalty in terms of maternal income… and seeing how COVID was handled (or not) in terms of kids, childcare, and schools has not shaken that observation. When it comes to actually supporting the activity in any concrete way like leave or national childcare, having kids is suddenly “a lifestyle choice.” Fine: I made MY choice. Now p*ss off unless you’re prepared to talk about actual support for the role (which I would happily talk about at length!)
Yep – our society sadly does not put our money where our mouth is and support parents.
I’m 56 married, no kids, never wanted any. Have never changed a diaper and proud to say it.
Haha that’s a nice streak! Maybe one day I’ll have one just as long 😉 .
“I don’t have a ‘real’ reason” — I strongly argue that “I don’t want to” IS A REAL REASON. All caps for the people who seem to think that mindlessly procreating is somehow a good idea.
I say this as a parent to two humans and multiple canines: no one should ever be forced to do this by an external party if they don’t want to. It’s just too damn much work and too damn hard to be going into this half-arsed or non-committally. If you want to force yourself because you just want to, that’s between you and your bathroom mirror but anyone who isn’t the one who is going to live with the experience of bearing and/or raising the kid should see themselves out.
As I write this, Smol Acrobat is making some seriously strange noises, it’s almost midnight, and I won’t be sleeping the night through for the 2483th night in a row because omg parenting. I happen to adore infants for no logical reason (except that they can’t really talk back, that one seems logical once kids start talking), so this stage is painful but tempered by my personal preference. It just gets harder from here. And while I mostly find my kids delightful in their own way, I also spend a fair bit of time chanting in my head: please become a good person, please become a good human. This gig isn’t easy! Being forced to it can only create the worst of situations (and possibly yes, be the origin story for villains).
I went from firmly never wanting kids because of my financial and family situation to being open to the idea when those two situations improved dramatically. However. I was never under any illusions as to how much work it would be. And we are so very done now with Smol Acrobat. Very very done. I adore them and also am not ever up for repeating any of this!
I can’t understand why anyone who has been through this and decided they were done can’t understand the wisdom of someone who can make that assessment without having to wade among the crocodiles themselves. Personally I think that says a lot for your observational skills! We razz our pre-parent friends who listen to our war stories and still want kids – clearly they are missing the point 😅
TRUTH ALL AROUND! And yeah that would definitely be my villain origin story 🙂 .
LOVE THIS. I have had the same experiences as you and others in the comments. Luckily people here don’t tend to ask until they know you well, so I haven’t had the shocked or dismissive responses too much from colleagues or acquaintances. One colleague even congratulated me when I told her I absolutely didn’t want kids; she said she wished everyone would know themselves so well.
It’s so much work raising kids, and apparently it’s never totally done. I’ve read the parenting blogs and rants and raves and heard the war stories from friends, and honestly, no. Just no. I can barely look after myself some days. There’s no place in my life plans for a kid and that’s fine. If it’s fine for men, it’s fine for me!
That sounds like an awesome colleague! And yeah it’s a lifetime commitment for sure. I also can barely care for myself 🙂 . Also I love this: “If it’s fine for men, it’s fine for me!”
As many have expressed above, I am so glad to see someone talking about this! I also have ZERO desire or interest in having kids. I am 30 now and getting married this year and many times over the years my mom has told me I will “change my mind” and want kids some day. I have been around many kids, I babysat kids, and just NO. No thanks, no way, not interested. I wish people (and especially family) would be less aggressive about it. Someone posted above about saying they couldn’t have kids whether it was true or not and that would shut people up – smart! But also, probably a really difficult thing to talk about for people who truly can’t have children but wanted them. Such a complex web of emotions around this topic for so many. Thank you for sharing!
Yay! Happy to talk about it 🙂 . Ugh I’m sorry about your Mom. It’s tough when someone saying that is so close to you. Yes please to people being less aggressive.
When I was younger, I thought I would, like everyone else. As I got older, I realized I didn’t want any but was always afraid that I would suddenly want one and it would be too late.
Well, at the ripe old age of 54, not only can I say that never happened, but I can say that I’m more glad than ever that I don’t have any. I just don’t have the patience or desire. It took me a long time to get settled in my career and feel like I had my finances in order. Now, I’m ready to really enjoy my life. If I had kid(s), I’d be worried about paying for college or whether they were getting in trouble, or whatever. Even watching my friends go through it is exhausting. And to try to work and homeschool them now? Ugh! No thank you! I’m more than fine being an aunt (and even that gets old after a few hours! LOL)
When I retire next year, I plan to live it up, doing all the things I’ve ever wanted to do. I will be able to be gloriously selfish with no one to have to worry about buy myself.
Haha well I’m glad your decision turned out to be the right one for you – that’s awesome! And woohoo incoming retirement – that’s so exciting!!
Preach! I, too, have never wanted children, and I agree with everything you said. I’m 47, married to the love of my life for 23 years, and I only become happier to be childfree as time goes on.
The only thing I have to add to this most excellent discussion is that, when people ask who’ll take care of me when I get older, I point out that some people have to worry about providing care for their children when they’re gone. I have several friends whose children will never be able to live independently for various physical and mental reasons. Not only will they be worrying about those children for the rest of their lives, they also have to worry about what will happen to those children when they’re gone. That’s not an insignificant worry.
That is a GREAT point! Care in one direction is not at all guaranteed and could very well go in the other direction. That’s not insignificant at all – thank you.
My husband and I are late forties and no kids. That ship has sailed. People used to ask, but no one does anymore. Best decision OF MY LIFE. When younger people bring it up I do mention that it is a choice–you don’t have to have them–because I was well into adulthood before I realized this. I was blown away the first time it occurred to me that it was a choice.
Haha that’s awesome and amazing you emphasize that it’s a choice – I should do that more. Yay to choices!
Thank you for this post. I enjoyed the read. Lots of great comments on this post too.
My wife and I also have no desire to have children. We are both in our late 30’s and find ourselves even happier with this decision over time. I would agree that as a guy I don’t get as much hassle about this decision as my wife. However, it does come up a lot with my male coworkers. “So, when are you going to have kids?” still comes up from time to time. I make it clear that I just don’t want them and feel it is best to leave that task to people who truly do want children. The response is almost always “but you’d make such a great father.” As if choosing to take on huge life commitments were just a matter of being able to do them. What tends to bother me is that quite often it seems that those same guys leave the majority of the parenting work to their wives. I suppose that having children is no big deal if someone else does all the work. I’d like to think I wouldn’t be like that, but I’d like even more to never know for sure.
That’s an interesting response you get. And yes, just because you’d be good at something doesn’t mean you should change your entire life to do so…or do it at all. I’ve been told I would make a great concert pianist, but don’t want to (obviously not the same level of commitment, but still). No thank you 🙂 . Hilariously no one has ever told me I would make a great mother LOL.
And this needs to be put on a neon billboard: “I suppose that having children is no big deal if someone else does all the work.” It is indeed a whole different ball game 🙂 . Great observation – I’ve seen similar myself.
Love this. I’m about to be 40 and like you have never once had the desire for children. In the last few years my closest friends have started having kids, and despite me being very clear our whole friendship about not wanting them, they’re now asking me about it. Just because they changed their minds. Really annoys me because I’ve never been on the fence about it and my child-free life is just as valid a decision as their life with children.
It is of course just as valid of a decision. I’m sorry your friends are bothering you about it. I have my friends in categories (I love lists 🙂 ) of “not having kids” (cause they said so) and “maybe having kids” – just because someone went from maybe to yes doesn’t mean I would ever bother the “not having kids” crowd. I get that having kids is all consuming, but respect boundaries people!
Yes! I totally feel this. I never felt the urge to procreate or adopt, and then living with a friend and her 4-year old cemented that decision for me. I loved the little guy but it was exhausting living with him, even though I wasn’t the one in charge of keeping him alive! Coming home from work and having him want my undivided attention made me realize that I wouldn’t be able to be the kind of parent I’d want to be (if I did want kids). I think part of it for me was also that I need plenty of quiet, introvert time and I don’t know how I would get that with a kid.
Yeah that will do it 😉 . And YES maybe I should look at this from an introvert angle as well – I require A LOT of alone time to be a nice person…I shudder at the thought of not getting it for 18+ years…I think I’d become a monster to be honest.
Wow! The comments are flying.
I am truly happy when others choose to not have children. Thank you for helping our planet. One less mouth breather consuming useless crap, and contributing nothing to society *yelled like Bill Burr*. Know your limitations people lol;)
Haha well you’re welcome then 🙂 .
I feel the same about everything you wrote here 🙂 I’m 32M and I often get asked that too. I have a sister with 2 young kids and seeing them once a month or two for a weekend is enough to tell me that’s not for me.
First time commenting, I’ve been a lurker since a few months before you pulled the plug I think, I really enjoy catching up every now and then! I’m only ~15% into my FI journey, but reading your posts is a nice look into what I hope to reach in the future.
Thank you so much for commenting 🙂 ! I’m glad this resonated with you. And woohoo 15% is a lot! Good luck 🙂
I always laugh at this question, because I’ve been fighting it for 16 years already. Spouse and I got together young and everyone skipped right to the “when are you having babies?” question. My answer: “not yet”. Which, it turns out, is just as dissatisfying to any/all random nosy people. But now I’m finally in the position where it is time, and looking at everything I’ve accomplished without kids, and what I would be giving up in my life, I realize that wanting kids is a totally irrational decision. The only positive that comes out of it is having spawn of my loins, while the list of things that kids are gonna ruin for me is seemingly endless (and AMEN to your mom – exhausted all the time is apparently the default mode). But…I want them. And that decision is all that matters, just like your decision that you don’t want them should be all that matters.
P.S. – I think you’re making the rational decision, and I’m kind of jealous that I can’t convince my brain to not want the them!
It’s fascinating what random people think are acceptable topics of conversation 🙂 . That’s awesome you decided what you want! And my decision wasn’t rational either – I just don’t want them. I didn’t even really think of what I would be giving up if I did. Good luck!
I’m one of the very few people I know who has never known strongly whether I wanted children or not. I liked the idea of having older children. The thought of giving birth and having babies horrified me.
In the end I took the plunge and I haven’t regretted it (actually it was the pregnancy I found horrific – giving birth was OK and having a baby was surprisingly lovely – especially the first time when I didn’t also have a toddler to keep tabs on!)
BUT BUT BUT (a) it is nobody else’s business what you decide, (b) it is having children that is the selfish choice (our planet has quite enough humans on it already), and (c) I find it pretty insulting to ALL people suggesting that meaning can only be found through having babies. If I had decided not to, or if I had been infertile, would my life have been meaningless? I really hope not (certainly I don’t think children give your life meaning – it’s just kicking the can down the road and putting pressure on your children if you think they are going to provide “meaning” for you!)
By having children I have of course gained some wonderful experiences I would not otherwise have had. I am equally sure I have missed out on some wonderful experiences that I would have had if I’d been less exhausted/busy 🙂
Basically, we have one life to live. We can never know how we would have felt about “the path(s) not taken” and whether we might have been happier if we’d made different choices – but fundamentally I think it’s a colossal waste of time to worry too much about it, when you could be putting that energy into the life you’ve got.
Maybe you’ll change your mind, probably you won’t. Either way I hope and predict you have a lot of fun, love and magical experiences in your future!
Thank you for your comment – that’s a very interesting and nuanced perspective!
It’s a breath of fresh air to hear other people expressing their desire and reasons to not have children. My wife and I decided we did not want children and the responses we receive are very frustrating at times. It’s amazing how easily one’s ego is threatened when they meet someone who does not copy their life exactly. As if our choice to not have kids is challenging whether their choice to have kids is right, wrong, or superior. It’s rare to run into someone who has tolerance, understanding, acceptance and compassion for you and your decisions while also having equanimity, love, and self-confidence for themselves. The most absurd comment we received to the answer “no, we don’t want kids” was “so you’re scared to have kids huh, can’t handle it?”.
Thanks for sharing, this was motivating and inspiring 🙂
Thank you Travis! I’m glad it was a breath of fresh air and I’m sorry you’ve heard such frustrating things in response to you talking about your life and choices. People are ridiculous sometimes.