My partner and I recently celebrated a decade of being together and with Valentine’s Day right around the corner, this seems like the perfect time to dive into another ‘weird’ (so I’m told) life choice of mine.
My partner and I are never getting married. Fundamentally, we both just don’t want to for a number of reasons.
When I tell people this I often hear, “Oh you don’t want to get married? So you don’t love him??” (Curiously, my partner has never received this response…)
But for women, it seems like the assumption is that we must want to be married, that marriage is the natural completion of a relationship, and that it is just what you do if you love somebody.
There’s nothing fundamental about marriage in human relationships though – marriage is a cultural and legal institution that’s a product of a specific history. A lot of what might seem fundamental about marriage is just commitment, and you don’t need the government involved to be committed.
We don’t think it’s *wrong* to get married, and we’re not passing judgment on those who do. We just think it’s fundamentally a choice, and it’s important to be very careful making these kinds of big life choices.
For many, marriage is the implicit next step in a life script, and we’ve found repeatedly that we’re happier examining implicit life choices and carefully deciding whether we want to buy in – such as not having kids, not combining finances, not buying a house, not owning a car and even pursuing financial independence.
As far as commitment goes, we personally don’t feel like we need tradition and society to validate our commitment, or the law and the often high costs of divorce to enforce it. Marriage isn’t the lifelong bond that some think it is with the possibility of divorce usually a statistical coin toss.
We’d rather be open and honest about the possibility that our relationship might fall apart. Marriage isn’t the finish line for a relationship. Relationships require a lot of continuous work. You have to sustain them to keep them healthy and worthwhile. And people change. If our partner wants to end things, we’d rather they were free to do so with as little trouble as possible.
To be fair, there’s a lot of good that can come with marriage (in general as a cultural practice, and specifically in US law), such as support for children, tax rights, fair restitution if one partner exited the work force to stay at home, and of course a big party 😉 .
But we’re not going to have children, we earn about the same income so we wouldn’t receive a tax break, and personally, planning a wedding/big party seems like a hassle (we’re more of a chill at someone’s house sipping a cheap whiskey kind of party goers).
Maybe access to healthcare would be a reason we would get married in a really bad situation, but that’s hardly a pro for marriage, that’s just a con of the USA and its messed up healthcare system (don’t get me started on that…).
Marriage also comes with a lot of baggage and a sordid history that fills me with a lot of gross feelings. Historically, marriage (the institution) was often about controlling women and their reproductive rights (see the father handing a woman over to her husband in a wedding), and it was used to lock women into unfair or abusive relationships. For example, married women couldn’t even have a line of credit without their husband’s permission until 1974. That’s fucking crazy.
Further, a lot of people seem very invested in controlling who is and isn’t allowed to get married. For example, I’m a black woman (SURPRISE!) and my partner is a white man. It was illegal for us to even get married in many states until 1967…52 years ago. My Mom was 8 years old. That is a surprisingly short time ago.
The idea that it would be illegal for my partner and I to ‘express our love’ by legally binding ourselves together simply because my skin has more melanin than his honestly makes me sick. And of course, it was only 4 years ago that queer people were no longer excluded from the marriage club (and look at the vitriol on the part of those still fighting for ‘traditional marriage’ – that doesn’t make me excited to join this club).
Whatever marriage means to the people doing this exclusion, it’s not just about love and commitment. All this doesn’t mean that a modern idea of marriage can’t be egalitarian and beautiful, but it sure hurts the image of marriage as a tradition. All those connotations are just impossible for me to avoid.
So if marriage works for you, great! And if you want to gather your family and friends and have great food and dance together, awesome! We’re not the first to have these kinds of criticisms of marriage, and I’m sure many married people have thought these things through carefully as well. However, after careful examination, it’s just not for us.
I don’t feel the need to get married just to respect other people’s desire that I get married so here we are: over a decade together and going strong without putting a ring on it.
What do you think about all of this? I’m truly curious. Are you married? Did you always want to get married? If not, what changed your mind?
Great piece! I really enjoyed it.
I was in the same boat. We loved each other, were fully committed, and we shared everything 100%. It looked a lot like marriage without the state sanctioned certificate of marriage.
As we got a little older (hitting the 40 mark) we began to think more about health and health issues and whether that would affect things in catastrophic situations, such as hospitalization or death. Would we be able to see on another? What would happen to our savings and property (some purchased before meeting). Marriage was the solution for us.
I agree with you completely on marriage as an artificial construct. I say do what makes you happy. Many of the issues that marriage solved for us could be solved with a lawyer. The main thing is that in a worst case scenario, a surviving partner isn’t left in bureaucratic and financial nightmare while also dealing with the loss of a partner.
Again, great piece! APL
So glad you enjoyed it! And thanks so much for sharing your situation – it sounds like you made a conscious choice that was best for both of you 🙂 . I’m also totally on the ‘do what makes you happy’ train. Interesting you bring up that the same issues marriage solved for you could be solved with a lawyer – I imagine you could just draw up a similar business contract. That’s actually a really cool idea I’m going to put on the backburner if we have concerns down the line. Thank you!
My partner and I are likely heading down a similar path, so I’m glad you share your story. 🙂 Instead of blindly following a predetermined path, it’s better for everyone to just do what makes sense for them.
Obviously totally agree! Welcome to the club 😉 And so glad you enjoyed it!
i’m married and happy with that. as you might suspect i’m also happy with however anyone else chooses to live their life. nobody is harmed if you do or don’t. i think it is different for many women and all that fairy tale princess stuff. we weren’t kids when we did it. i think we were functioning adults of 35 and 40. it was a good party.
you must have bleach the hell out of your hair to get that purple to show up so well!
Totally agree – though with how some people react when I say we’re not married you would think my words are physically harming them 😉 . And yes the fairy tale element is a weird one, but if someone really wants that I say have a giant party that’s like a fairy tale – no need to sign a document beforehand 🙂 . Getting married at 35 and 40 sounds like a really good idea. And haha yes indeed I do bleach the hell out of my hair – I basically make it bleach blonde to get those results. Are you interested in replicating them 😉 ? My motto is “It’s just hair. It’ll grow back.”
oh, i’ve had multi-colored hair. platinum was fun and then mostly manic panic vampire red. i was looking for photos the other day and couldn’t find any. you have to take my word.
I guess I’ll take your word for it 😉 . Manic Panic Vampire Red is one of my favorites. Such a vibrant color.
Marriage is a choice and people should respect that. I know they don’t, but they should. It truly sucks that you get asked if you don’t love him just due to that.
I completely understand where you are coming from on not liking marriage as an institution. Thankfully it is improving (however slowly).
I did skip the big party though. Wedding was small and reception was at Melting Pot. No dancing, no receiving line, and little hassle. 🙂
Yeah – people are super weird sometimes 🙂 . Also curious that he has never heard that response and I’ve gotten it multiple times. Such a weird leap of logic. And yes indeed we’re definitely moving in the right direction with making marriage more inclusive! That sounds like my kind of wedding and Melting Pot YUMM! We have one of those here.
I am not married (and I’m single) but for reasons I can’t explain I would quite like to get married one day.
It’s not for religious reasons as I’m atheist. And it’s not due to a general propensity to bow to societal pressure: I don’t want children and even if I ever did get married I think I’d be fine living separately (I think the latter definitely puts me in the “weird” category). It’s not because I want the big, fairytale wedding (on the contrary, I’d only get married if the groom agreed to elope). And I’d always want to keep separate finances. And yet…
Shows how strongly the tradition is drilled into us I guess.
In the UK there are big inheritance tax reasons for marriage. Especially if you live together in a jointly owned house, you could find yourself in a pickle upon one person’s death if you’re not married.
That’s super interesting. Personally I’m not sure if that’s showing how deep the idea of marriage has been drilled into you or that you literally just want to get married 🙂 and that’s totally fine. If you ask me that question my immediately answer would be “no – because I don’t want to.” It can be as simple as that if you’re aware of all the implications of your choice. I’d love to hear more about you being ok with living separately – that’s super interesting. Do you mean like separate bedrooms (we’ve done that) or separate apartments/houses? Very cool to hear about the tax reasons for marriage in those situations. We’re not planning to jointly own property (or live in the UK currently 🙂 ) but it’s good to know just in case!
The desire for (or at least comfort with) living separately is based on my belief that once I start living on my own I’ll never want another person in my living space again. This is based on no personal experience whatsoever as I’ve never lived alone or with a partner!
I think my ideal situation would be living in separate houses next door or separate flats in the same block so you can see each other regularly and easily but still have, say, 3 days of the week where you can shut the door to your own place and be alone.
Probably a more realistic compromise would be to live somewhere spacious enough so you don’t feel like you are getting under each other’s feet. Would definitely want separate bedrooms at least. Although that would make us look like a wealthy Victorian couple!
Interesting! So you live with roommates now (neither alone or with a partner)? I’ve lived with roommates and my partner, but have yet to live alone. From my friends that have done all 3 (roommates, partner and alone) they have told me they prefer living with a partner actually. Obviously anecdotal but I find it interesting. The same people also often then got a dog 🙂 .
I like your version 🙂 . My partner and I were actually roommates along with other roommates and had separate rooms and it was nice once in a while to close my door and know everything in there was mine and I could have some ‘me’ time 🙂 . Having a larger place is another good option – that’s what my parents do. They basically each get a floor of the house lol. And there are worse things in life than looking like a wealthy Victorian couple 😉 . Thanks so much for sharing – it’s super interesting to hear different people’s approaches.
Yeah, currently live in a shared house of 4. But not for much longer as I’ve just bought a flat and will be moving in a few weeks. So I’ll actually be able to update you on whether living alone is everything I hoped it would be.
Congratulations on your flat! And yes please keep me posted – I’m curious 🙂 .
I completely agree with all of your reasoning. Marriage is a strange legal institution that may have had more utility in the past. It’s not a requirement, and not particularly useful in any way (maybe taxes?).
We thought a lot about whether to marry or not before we finally did (after 6 years). Ultimately, we tied the knot, partially succumbing to family pressure, and partially so that our kids would never be treated differently for having unwed parents. I know it’s a stupid reason, but since we were indifferent to marriage itself, we just gave in.
We had a pretty awesome party at our house with about 30 of our closest friends and relatives. I brewed 3 different beers and we got catering from our favorite Turkish restaurant. It was a great time.
That’s awesome you’re aware of your reasons 🙂 even if you think they’re ‘stupid’ lol. And that sounds like an amazing party!! Maybe I can convince my next friend that’s getting married to put the money towards that instead of us standing outside in the heat for 2 hours…because obviously their wedding is about my happiness 😉
I am not sure I agree with your reasoning nor should what I think about the subject really matter if you are happy doing you! Notwithstanding, there is a very serious thing you have to think about and that is estate planning and the ancillary docs that come with it. If something were to happen to your partner and you aren’t set up correctly you could be dealing with his family to get “your” stuff back. Similarly, if he were in an accident “girlfriend” doesn’t hold weight when it comes to medical decisions (right or wrong).
Just some thoughts!
Yes indeed – thank you for bringing that up. We both have wills and don’t share any ‘stuff’ (money, property etc) so we’re avoiding that issue. I was going to add an aside about access to healthcare decisions, but ended up deleting it from the post. That is an important consideration and we are lucky that we trust our immediate family members with those kinds of decision currently, but if that would change we would consult a lawyer to figure out our options.
We’re also not marriage people. I have my own reservations based on the history of the tradition that make me want to puke and having to have all of our families in one place for a ‘wedding’ would be literal hell.
It’s so fascinating how people judge commitment. When we bought our house earlier this year, my partner’s step mom said she was relieved because it was a ‘next step’. I.e. we were now officially more committed to each other somehow because we split paying our mortgage. (I don’t understand the logic but ok).
Thanks for sharing! I’m glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t care about getting married.
Yeeeeah just getting my side of the family together is a dumpster fire. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have both sides – oh my!
People are so weird about commitment. Did you talk to your partner’s step mom about her comment? Like does she feel comfort that it will take legal papers to separate y’alls assets if needed now? Is that commitment or just possible complications? Fascinating.
And of course – anytime! I’m also glad we’re not alone out here 🙂
I’ve always thought that marriage is something that isn’t for everyone, including some people in committed relationships. It’s a piece of paper — one that means something to some of us, and one that arguably makes it harder to walk away, but a piece of paper nonetheless.
I did choose to get married. Then I chose to get divorced. I probably won’t ever get married again (though never say never) simply because I want to protect my assets. So the guy would have to be seriously financially stable for me to consider marriage, which makes me sound superficial but oh well.
I’ve always thought that a commitment between two people is what matters. And frankly, admitting that at some point the relationship may fall apart (statistically speaking) seems like the sanest route to me. Not that I begrudge people who want to get married. I’ll happily celebrate it with them. But I don’t think a marriage certificate is something every woman should aspire to.
That’s a great way to look at it – literally as a piece of paper we choose to ascribe more meaning to. And it does not make you sound superficial to want a potential husband to be financially stable 🙂 that seems like another weird aspect of marriage. You’re basically entering a business partnership with someone, but wanting them to be good with money is ‘taboo’ 🙂 So weird.
And yes I’ve always been a realist and openly discussed the possibility of our relationship not working and I think that’s been part of why we’ve succeeded. It’s only anecdotal, but many friends of mine refuse to even think about the possibility that their relationship could fail (and obviously also don’t talk about it) and then they do and they’re completely unprepared.
Also I might need to have this made into a throw pillow 🙂 “I don’t think a marriage certificate is something every woman should aspire to.”
I love how you touched eloquently on the historical aspect of this institution. Well done! On the subject of a woman not being able to have a line of credit without her husband’s permission, when my grand-father left his family, my dad actually needed to co-sign with his mom for her mortgage or any loans and he was just a 15 year old without any assets! That was back in 1975 all through the ’80s until she sold her home and started renting. Ridiculous!
We drive people nuts by just doing our thing. We’re engaged, knowing we are set together and happy but no concrete plan on getting married. We’ve heard a crazy amount of “But you’re supposed to…”, like “get married X time after you are engaged”, and many other hypothetical obligations.
We protect our kids by having an updated will and making sure our beneficiaries are correctly identified for our pensions, investment assets and any insurances. We also have a written agreement from when we first purchased a property as Mr. Mod had a larger sum saved up for a down payment and I still had some student loans.
We might one day do a celebration but we have yet to actually put it on our 5 year plan. Just yesterday as there was a wedding on Brooklyn 99 (lol), I mentioned how I had yet to have any urge to plan a party several months ahead. We’d like to do it mostly for our families to have fun, so until it’s anything more than that we have a lot more priorities and plans to get done… like simple parties for our families to have fun lol!
I’m glad you thought it was eloquent – it was originally A LOT longer lol 🙂 . And wow – thank you for sharing that story. That’s absolutely crazy! And that was in Canada?
Haha oh people – so bothered by other choices that don’t validate their own 🙂 . Super cool to hear how you protect your kids in that situation – that seems a lot easier than ‘people’ make it out to be. Sounds like they might be even more protected than a couple who ‘just’ got married and didn’t actually have the will or beneficiaries in place actually.
I was watching 99 last night! There was a wedding? I was catching up on the latest Trudy Judy episode – hilarious. Love whenever the Pontiac Bandit shows up 🙂 . A simple party sounds fun. We almost did that to celebrate this decade…we were going to call it “The Consolation Party” or “The ‘Sorry You’re Disappointed We’re Not Getting Married Party.” Working titles of course 🙂 but it quickly started turning into a ‘wedding party’ with the level of crap that needed to be done so we scrapped it completely 🙂 . If our families want to have a party they can plan it lol.
Yes in Canada! My poor Grandma… It would have driven me absolutely nuts!
Ahah we were watching 99 on Netflix :), love the Pontiac Bandit. He is probably my favorite guest on it… hmm well tied with Pimento lol!
I love that party idea :), but totally get why you scrapped it. Keep doing you ;)!
Uh that is horrible I’m sorry. Good to know Canada can be as crazy as down here – I have y’all on a giant pedestal 🙂 . Oooh maybe I need a re-watch and fair point Pimento is HILARIOUS oh my goodness. And yes indeed – let’s keep doing us. As for the party someone was like “and then we’ll all go buy a white dress together!” and I was like “oooh you’re trying to trick me into having a fake wedding. Good try!” They almost got me.
I’m very happily married but, except for the tax points that others have raised, I’m totally with you. I always thought I would get married but, to be honest, I don’t think I every interrogated that thought. #
We’re at that stage in life where the first weddings have largely dried up but when the divorces and second weddings are picking up pace.
There is definitely a cohort that get married because they want “The Wedding”. As I get older they increasingly become a a status symbol (for both men and women). I really don’t get why people just don’t have a big party if that’s what they want. We’ll all still come!
My personal experience is that the investment that I make in a marriage somehow adds to the sorrow when that relationship ends. Which is odd as any any relationship that ends after five or ten years or whatever is just deeply sad.
Yeah if only one of us made less money and we could benefit from that tax break 😉 . Yes – we’ve turned the corner from lots of wedding to babies and divorces. It’s been very interesting to see. I didn’t even think about second weddings – oh my lol. I think I’ll have to institute a ‘one wedding’ rule especially if it’s not local. You get one shot people! (Kidding obviously)
And yeah I don’t know why people don’t just own it and have a party. I would prefer that actually instead of all the uncomfortable parts of a wedding – just head right into the party!
That’s really interesting that a larger investment in a marriage for you led to more sadness when it ended. I wonder why that is hmm. Anyway – thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. It’s amazing to hear other perspectives.
I never wanted to get married and I really wish that it would have worked out to stick to that plan! There have definitely been some benefits to getting married: having a really fun party with friends and family celebrating our relationship was super cool to experience, cheaper health insurance since we can pay my premiums pre-tax, saving a ridiculous amount on taxes since this coincided with me taking some time off work, and increasing our comfort with my husband covering all of the expenses with his income.
That doesn’t all change the fact that I don’t believe in the institution of marriage. My in-laws really do, which is hard. I don’t want kids. I hate the word wife. I think that it is only good for men. It leaves so much work on women and there are so many societal expectations around it. It would have been easier to not get married and not have kids than to get married and not have kids. Every social event we go to now, there are questions about how many kids we are going to have and when they are coming. That wouldn’t have happened if we weren’t married. Friends and anyone who finds it out find our definition of marriage strange – we have plenty of separate money and don’t see a reason to change that. We want to own our primary residence together and run most cash flow through a joint account but plan to keep most of our other assets separate. I also really appreciate that it is even legal for me to keep my name or have my own bank account or property now which it wasn’t always in history which is just AWFUL.
I think that marriage as a life-time partnership is really sweet, but I also don’t think it needs to be life long to be a good marriage. We specifically kept that out of our vows. I wish it was easier to define marriage for ourselves than it is – then I would be more okay with it. I love my husband but hate being married and marriage at the same time. It’s hard to explain but thank you for talking about it!
Yeah I’m sorry it worked out that way. Good call out on the cheaper healthcare though – that is a good benefit that I didn’t really touch on. What do you hate about the word ‘wife’ just the implications of it (since the word ‘husband’ doesn’t seem to have any)?
“It would have been easier to not get married and not have kids than to get married and not have kids.” This is SUPER interesting and something I’ll have to think about if we are ever in a situation were marriage is needed. I hadn’t even considered not having kids could be called into question MORE after marriage. I’m all for your ‘strange’ approach to marriage 🙂 – sounds really smart to me. And yes the shit women went through was awful and I’m glad we’re moving in the right direction at least. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences!
I just don’t like the implications of it! Wife has implications like doing all the housework and nagging to me. I also don’t want to be an aunt – it has too much happiness about babies combined into its meaning. Husband isn’t nearly as much of a loaded term. I personally almost entirely use the word spouse instead.
We actually assumed we would get married at like 40 or so when there started to be more legal benefits and if you wait that long I doubt people will assume you are having kids anymore.
I can see that. Very interesting. Even more interesting that “husband and wife” is recent vs “man and wife” – absolutely no implication for life after marriage for a man in that one. I haven’t felt any implications myself with the word “aunt”, but maybe because my Mom only has sisters so my aunts have always run our family…and there are very few babies in it 🙂 . So interesting how different perspectives change the implications of words. I might need to do a mini study on this…And yes let’s see if people start minding their own business at 40 😉 I’m hoping so
I never planned on getting married but I did, but I’m not super into it? I don’t care about the married titles of husband or wife and actually find them kind of annoying. I mostly did it to cover all the legal stuff that could have been handled with contracts and a lawyer but a wedding license was only $53, a lot cheaper. I think there’s a lot of historical/religious baggage about marriage that I wish we could dismantle. Yeah, it’s just a piece of paper that didn’t change the commitment that we had in the relationship before we signed it and nothing changed after. After 15 years I’m not sure if it makes our life easier or harder ever, it just is. We do own property together, the cars are in both our names, and our finances are combined which helped us both weather some significant shifts in income over the years so I do appreciate the legal protections for inheritance but I could have been able to that another way to.
We still haven’t gotten around to writing a will because we are the default beneficiary for each other, but we’re at a point that we have significant enough assets that were we both to die we want to direct those specifically instead of allowing them to be divided up by the legal next of kin.
Oh interesting – why don’t you like the titles? And marriage as a frugal hack to avoid additional lawyer fees? 🙂 I like your style lol. “I think there’s a lot of historical/religious baggage about marriage that I wish we could dismantle.” I agree and honestly I wouldn’t even know where to start with doing that. We might have to scrap the institution and come up with something else. I’m loving this sentiment: “After 15 years I’m not sure if it makes our life easier or harder ever, it just is.” I guess that fits with a piece of paper not really changing a relationship. And sounds like you should get on that will (though I’m a pessimist) – there are probably ways to fit it into your frugal legal budget 😉 . Thanks so much for stopping by!
You know you could sip on cheap whiskey and chill at someone’s house for your actual wedding, right? Worked pretty well for us 15 years ago! 🙂
In case throwing a $30k party was the main objection to getting married!
I MIGHT have other reasons besides the cost of a stereotypical party 😉
I don’t disagree with a thing you wrote. But I did choose to marry my partner because…well, I’m not really sure what pushed us to that step. Part of it was because he came to the relationship with kids and we thought being married might represent a stable, loving relationship. My Dad was also terminally ill (we had our ceremony in the hospital chapel with only a dozen close family and friends) and it was important for me for him to know all his kids were settled. I should note that I married at 45, although I had a couple long-term, committed relationships before. I was, and am, fiercely independent.
Legally, the laws where we live regard a couple living together for 6 months as married in terms of division of property, so being married didn’t change much. As I was much further along the path to FIRE than my husband, splitting assets was a concern for me. But we discussed these implications at length and it’s never been an issue, even after I sold property acquired before our relationship and retained all the proceeds. I kept my name, which is still surprisingly controversial, and we’ve worked out an equitable system for finances.
In the years we’ve been together, we’ve worked hard to achieve our goals and our teamwork and common purpose had paid off. This doesn’t require a piece of paper, by any means, so I applaud your championing of the option to not marry!
Oh wow – thank you for sharing your experiences. Do the laws where you live require you to actually go to the court and get basically a marriage license to enforce them like common law marriage does? It being automatic after 6 months seems really fast – I’ll be sure to avoid living there or move every 5 months 🙂 . That’s awesome y’all figured out a way to divide assets in a way you were comfortable with! Keeping your name is controversial? I haven’t been part of those conversations personally (where I’ve heard pushback). Do people just think you’re somehow less ‘committed’? Do they also ask why he didn’t take your name? And I’m with you that kind of teamwork doesn’t seem to require a piece of paper 🙂 . Thanks so much for stopping by!
I think we are a product of our times. My wife and I are boomers, nobody in our families, save one sibling, ever had been divorced in the entire recorded history. So while 50% of them may fail that wasn’t our reality, it was more like zero. Plus nobody lived together in the rural south, it just didn’t happen. There was tremendous social pressure to marry. From the logic side it seemed to offer my low earning wife who chose to be a stay at home mom some security since I was a high earning husband. Also security for the kids we were planning to have. In the same way that when I inherited a large estate I put in both our names making her independently wealthy no matter what happened to us. It worked for us and has worked for the last forty years but who knows if it will even be a thing in the future. One of our three grown kids married and two are living with partners but unmarried. That is their choice, we love all of them the same and hope they are happy. I do not think anyone has to justify that choice though you made some very valid points!
That’s interesting. My family is basically the opposite of yours – everyone has been divorced 🙂 . My partner’s family is the opposite of mine though. I have also experienced the social pressure to not marry – and not ‘live in sin’ (I’m from Georgia). Sounds like y’all picked a good solution that worked for you and your wife and kids. So awesome to hear you support your kids in their marriage/no marriage choices 🙂 . Totally agree no one has to justify their life choices, but you seem to be in the minority with that thought (based on the amount of people that dig into the question with me regularly 🙂 ). Hopefully that is changing. Thank you for sharing!
Great post. We’ve wrestled with similar decisions. Because of a serious history of divorce in my family, I was never thrilled with the idea. It seemed to me to be a fake commitment, and I didn’t need a “legal bond” to help me stay with someone I cared about. (It doesn’t actually work that way anyway, right?)
We did decide to get married, though we agreed it was more about tradition and satisfying her parents. We didn’t do it in a church, which lost us some of those tradition points.
They still haven’t come to terms with the fact that we have chosen not to have kids. And yes, she gets constant questions and pressures about that, and I don’t.
So glad you liked it!! That’s a good point (divorce affecting ideas of marriage). And yeeeah I don’t think a legal bond actually keeps them with you…(that sounds like kidnapping)….and possibly even the opposite with people feeling ‘trapped’…
Did getting married actually appease her parents or did they just move on to the next life changing decision they wanted you to make (kids)? And ugh I’m sorry your wife goes through that. I’ve started making a list of awkward retorts that will shut down the conversation when people start asking ridiculous questions 🙂 . I can report back on my findings…
Good on you (and your partner) for realizing that! It fits right in line with the same route of thinking that questions working until 65, and the reason behind why we do things that society recommends.
I felt the same in my relationship too, but my (now) wife wanted to get married. After 11 years together (16 years knowing each other) we were married. I knew I wanted to be together for the rest of my life, so if putting a label to it helped make it a reality I was open to it.
If you’re both on the same page about it from the start though, that’s much easier!
Exactly 🙂 . Question everything! And what you did makes total sense – it was an intentional choice. I’m always just trying to make sure my choices are intentional instead of default. And yes we were shockingly on the same page about all these things when we started dating, but didn’t know it (I never thought it ask as a 19 year old)! Thanks so much for stopping by!
I’m pretty sure I want to get married some day, but there are definitely aspects about the institution that I am not on board with. Love this look into your reasoning, and it’s an opportunity for me to question the assumptions I was raised with!
You do you girl 🙂 . I know you’ll make a thoughtful choice and that’s all I can hope for. So many choices seem to be based on autopilot (mostly outside our community 😉 ). Glad you liked it!
Obuously, you know where I landed on the to-get-married thing, but there is definitely a LOT of awful history that goes along with marriage and it is absolutely not the one way to measure commitment. My sister is in a many years long relationship but I don’t expect that she will ever marry her partner. Does that make him any less of an uncle to my son? Absolutely not. Marriage is a personal thing and not a black and white line for what’s important and who counts.
Yes indeed I do 😉 . That’s an interesting point: when the family of your partner ‘accepts’ your relationship enough to bestow those labels (e.g. uncle). So awesome you include him in that way. I remember when my partner’s family yelled at me for stepping side when they were going to do a ‘family photo’ like 5 years ago. My response was “but we’re not married,” but they weren’t having that. I guess that was the tipping point 🙂 . I’m now proudly called “Aunt” by many a toddler 😉 . Thanks so much for sharing lady!
Actually, to be married has nothing to do with laws or a big party. It is to join together as one, agreeing to work together, supporting each other to achieve more as a couple than you can do alone. Such a couple is far better able to do things like raise children, sustain a household, and advance in a career because you have two people working towards the same goals, each providing according to his/her strengths. The issue is that many people get the rings, but don’t really get married. Others may never get the piece of paper but still be married.
Interesting! To me it sounds like what you’re talking about is ‘commitment’ when you say “join together as one, agreeing to work together, supporting each other to achieve more” instead of ‘marriage’, which is “the state of being united as spouses in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law” (grabbing from Merriam Webster). Completely agree that many people get rings, but do not seem to share those common goals – and vice versa.
Women catch a whole mess of nonsense around marriage, families, children, etc that men don’t hear a peep about and it’s annoying AF.
I came from a very traditional family that expects every woman to get married, by 25, and I never wanted or felt the need to get married so I stuck out like a sore thumb. I didn’t mind that at all, but it bothers me they still act like there’s something wrong with my other family members who won’t settle for just anyone to have a husband. Being happy alone is way better than miserable with a jerk when you settle for just anyone!
After several years of being with a wonderful partner who was the best fit for me, and knowing that marriage was important to him, I was willing to take the step to consider whether marriage would be good for me. Considering I took over all our finances and grew them exponentially, it worked out well for both of us. 😉 It’s not all about the money obviously, or else I probably would have done that math and decided it was cheaper to stay unmarried. We’re a great match and I feel more secure knowing we have legal status as wed partners that we wouldn’t have if we weren’t married in case of emergencies.
I think it would be good, for sensible people who want to, to be able to choose marriage and reform what it means and stands for. I’d like to see us get far far FAR away from the old definitions of marriage and that traditional nonsense.
Yeah it’s pretty insane. I lucked into a Mom that proudly declares “no I’m not a grandma and I don’t want to be!” so me being her only child going down my path is not a problem. My partner’s parents are the exact opposite unfortunately, but we’re still doing us and I’m trying out new material every day in response to people’s weird questions/comments…maybe I should make a comedy special about it…
So glad you were able to find something that works well for you! And it might be my weird part of the world, but it seems like we’re getting closer to new definitions of marriage and accepting them. I’ll keep my fingers crossed and my eyes open 🙂
People should do what’s right for them and their relationships. I’m married myself, but cringe when my partnered-but-unmarried or single friends tell me stories about their families giving them flak for not having some “big day.” Not your life, keep it to yourself.
I’d never really been keen on the idea of getting married: my parents are divorced and the idea of tying my future to a man seemed daunting. What benefits would I, as a high-earning woman, accrue in getting married? Not many. Plus the idea of a wedding seemed more exhausting than enjoyable.
That said, we got married because we both knew we wanted to raise children together with one or both of us at various times acting as stay at home parents, which means at times relying on the other person financially. Which is easier to rely on using joint finances, something I’d never do personally with a non-married partner. We don’t have kids yet, but I was surprised how much closer we’ve been since we tied the knot. I think the whole ceremony and “until death to us part” bit affected us more that we’d’ve expected, in a good way.
Yeah – people need to mind their own business 🙂 . Glad to hear marriage doesn’t just sound daunting to me. It sounds like you took a very logical approach to marriage and did what works for you. I love it! And it’s really interesting to hear that being married did actually change your relationship – I’m so glad it was in a good way 🙂 . Thanks so much for stopping by!
Love this! I’m married and always wanted to be married but never had dreams of the fairytale wedding or anything like that. We had a decent size party and had a lot of fun! 🙂
At the end of the day, the choices you make for your relationship have no impact on anyone else, so I hate that people are inserting themselves to make it seem like you’re doing something wrong. Sounds like your choices are working just fine for you and your partner, which is great. I have a pretty slick mouth, so some people’s feelings would be hurt if they came at me with some of the things say to you. That is really unbelievable.
That’s awesome! And yes people can be really strange with what they think is acceptable behavior (like inserting themselves into your life choices). And hahaha feel free to share some of the things your ‘slick mouth’ would say in these situations. I’d love to use them!
I agree with you wholeheartedly.. I am married, however 😀 Just because I’m an expat in a pretty conservative country, and it’s just easier this way.. But at the end of the day it’s just a piece of paper, and the real commitment has nothing to do with any government.
Love it. Obviously you do you! For my situation there’s no real benefit currently (though I know some people say doing a cost-benefit analysis of something that’s supposed to be emotional like marriage is weird). But at its core definition it is a legally binding contract so I think it should be look at as such. And I completely agree – real commitment has nothing to do with paperwork.
I would say I am in the marriage camp, but I totally respect your view and I think you are approaching it wisely. We’ve been married 14 years and have had some ups and downs that we’ve worked through. But now we are closer than ever.
Maybe this is tapping into my own personal insecurities, but there is something intangible about tieing the knot that is hard to describe. I agree that marriage ultimately is just a sheet of paper. I think the divorce rate proves that it doesn’t guarantee anything.
I 100% agree with you on how marriage has been used to abuse women and other people. I hate that about marriage. But I’m at the stage in life where I am willing to enter into a legal contract to communicate my deep love for my wife. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her. What I would do differently is probably not marry as quickly as I did, and learn more about myself.
This is a great article! Thanks for sharing.
So glad you liked it! Congratulations on 14 years of marriage! It’s wonderful to hear you’re closer now than ever. It’s also interesting to hear that there’s something intangible about marriage. Is it that it makes it more difficult for a partner to dissolve the commitment (vs. just saying “we’re breaking up”) that makes it feel more secure? I’m just spit balling here. Though if that is the case, I have heard the opposite side of it: that just being married makes people feel ‘trapped’ and causes them to lash out as a result (e.g. infidelity etc). Glad to hear it’s working out for you! Thanks so much for stopping by!!
I think it is more about the idea that two people come to terms with the idea that they will do what they can to make the partnership work.
There were points where things were tough, and it would have been “easy” to quit (I quote “easy” because divorce is probably never easy). Relationships are tough, and I would have a hard time if I thought the slightest trouble would cause my partner to want to book it. To me, marriage is about communicating that commitment. But with that said, I think there are many people who are just as committed and decide not to tie the not. I think adding kids to the mix makes this type of commitment more important.
I can understand that when communication isn’t clear, or there are trust issues, that marriage can feel like a prison.
That’s really interesting. My parents actually gave me a similar answer to why they got married (because it felt like it would be too ‘easy’ to break up if they didn’t bind themselves together legally). I personally have never seen it as easy, but my life has always been very entwined with my partner’s. As adult’s we’ve always lived together for example. It would be ‘difficult’ enough to leave that neither of us would take it lightly because of how much our lives are entwined and because of our commitment to each other and the relationship. I might need to add this to my quote list “To me, marriage is about communicating that commitment…I can understand that when communication isn’t clear, or there are trust issues, that marriage can feel like a prison.” Really well said.
I have/had no strong feelings on the subject. Weddings, however, are a whole other thing! Only a few months into dating, my now husband and I talked about eloping or going down to city hall and getting married. Part of me wishes we had so that we could have avoided the whole Wedding part.
Yeeeah I tried not to touch too much on weddings because I have other strong feelings about them 🙂 . Why did you end up having a wedding (if you don’t mind me asking) since it sounds like you both were interested in another route?
The more I read, the more I love a purple life ! 😁
I think it’s interesting too that it’s assumed a woman wants to be married. We are pictured chasing down men, locking them in , oh….. and taking their money lol.
Once I hit my thirties I realized that I need not think about pressure from my family or society . I knew that I needed to really be in tune with what made me happy. What reasons would I have for getting married , how would it benefit a relationship? I noticed so many people calling it quits and relationships come and going (even my own 😮🤭. I saw how much I changed as the years passed and I wondered, could I be happy with the same person forever?!
I enjoy being in a relationship but I enjoy my own home, my space, my decisions (the married people in animal rescue can’t just bring home any rescues cat or dog without a huge discussion or fight 😁🙃.)
It’s a romantic idea…. we know that was planted early on in life 😊. I think for me……… it’s just not me.
Yeah those stereotypes are super weird and not based in fact at all (not that most stereotypes are). That’s awesome that you thought about what you wanted to went for it. That’s awesome. Thanks so much for stopping by!
Thank you for writing on such a sensitive topic as ‘to marry or not to marry’. Your post came up in my search ‘why people should get legally married’ … go figure! lol! I am a symbolic wedding celebrant, that is I officiate wedding ceremonies and I work primarily in Italy with couples from the US, Australia, the UK, India, New Zealand, and northern Europe. Symbolic ceremonies are not legally binding, they are the ’emotional’ wedding. I write each ceremony together with the couple and help them express commitment in their own words. It is touching to witness so much love between two people and to see the support they get from family and friends who travel so far just to be there. I loved reading all the comments on your post and Chris Roane’s words on March 6th reminded me of this quote, ‘Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter’ (MLK).
That’s strange that that’s the search that landed you here, but welcome! And that sounds like fun! I haven’t heard of those types of symbolic ceremonies. Thanks for sharing that great quote and stopping by!
I enjoyed reading this. I am 26, my boyfriend and I have been together 8 years and have a 4 month old daughter. I have zero desire to get married and never will. Thankfully we live in San Francisco and people rarely ask.
My only issue is what to call each other… boyfriend doesn’t feel right and neither does partner.
So glad you enjoyed it! And I’m happy to hear SF seems like a good example of a place that minds its own business 😉 . As for what to call your man – that’s up to you. If it helps I used to point to my boy and say “Mine” to explain his connection to me 🙂 .
Hi there! I am so thankful for this particular post!
I met someone amazing and for the longest time, I truly wanted to marry him. In my heart, I believed that marriage should be the final step in our commitment path. That somehow we would be this “valid” couple. Lol, silly I know but personal growth is infinite.
We have now been together 11 yrs this spring and I have come to realize that it is not necessary for us. It is clearly something he doesn’t want (not because of me, but personal issues he has with it) and I don’t feel I have compromised it away as much as came to some honest conclusions.
11 yrs later and he loves me and I love him and we work hard on our relationship every day..no ring and ceremony is going to effect that because we already do what is needed for us.
Admittedly, I still wonder “what if..” and it’s something I am processing but it feels good to know that this is a choice and I am free to make it.
So glad you found it helpful! Personal growth is indeed infinite – mine included 🙂 . Congratulations on 11 years! That’s so great you both found a balance and understanding that works for you. Marriage is definitely a choice you’re free to make. As for the “what if” game – after talking to a few friends about why they want to be married a lot of them boiled it down to things that have nothing to do with marriage, such as a feeling of commitment or a ring or a big party. You can have all of those without a legally binding piece of paper. Thanks so much for stopping by!
Hey Purple Life!
Love the article. It actually speaks to how my partner and I feel about marriage. We did eventually end up getting “married” (we consider it to be legally bond, not married) for health insurance, but we disagree with the institution of it.
One thing that helped us feel better about it was we did a self officiating license. Our certificates literally say “I myself, marry myself, to blah blah”. We are not religious and didn’t feel the need for a judge to be a signatory authority on our relationship. PA and I think Wyoming allow self-uniting licenses, if you ever are interested. We also didn’t change last names, didn’t do a wedding (just signed an agreement authorizing ourselves to be together), didn’t do rings, and still refer to each other as partners (because we are)… but we get all the benefits: any kind of insurance benefits, tax benefits (which like you doesn’t matter much at the moment, but it covers us for the future), other legal benefits like inheritance, renting/buying a home, hospital rights, company spousal benefits, etc. Also, we have been looking into living abroad; it will make moving together a lot easier.
My “proposal” (I proposed to him) was to create a report of all the pros and cons of putting our relationship on the gov’t’s radar so to say. Then we sat in our living room and deliberated the costs vs. rewards. This method isn’t for everyone, but I thought I’d share our experience with you guys 🙂
Hi! So happy you liked the article. I didn’t know about self-uniting licenses – that’s really cool! Thank you so much for sharing how you approached your legal bond – I love seeing how other people live their lives. If I ever have to get married for health insurance type reasons we will definitely be approaching it in your pro/con discussion fashion. Thank you so much for the knowledge and for stopping by!
I think it’s guys who’s love can be measured by their willingness to marry… It’s quite strange you were asked that you didn’t love him if you don’t want to marry him…
Women can have lots of reasons not wanting to get married. It is good for guys, though. They even live longer…. Besides, women usually want their partner forever, guys don’t…
Getting those comments are quite strange – I’m not sure if people think before they open their mouths sometimes 🙂 . As for the rest of what you’re saying – why do you think that? Outside of married men living longer are these observations based on something specific? Just curious.