In today’s episode of “Things I’ve Spent Too Long Worrying About That Don’t Matter” I bring you: my revelations of what you do not actually have to worry about in retirement. I am in no way an expert on…well…anything (obviously 😉 ), but based on my almost 8 months of experience, here’s what I’ve got. I hope that knowing about my experience can save you some mental time on your journey.
People Asking “What Do You Do?”
When I do Instagram AMAs, this is a question I’m often asked “What do you say when people ask what you do?” And it totally makes sense. American society is obsessed with your profession. The culture uses it to identify your worth as a person (fucked up, but true). We start every conversation with “What’s your name?” and then “What do you do?”
And sadly, if you respond with what you LIKE to do instead of what you do to put food on the table, that is met with confusion (ask me how I know…). One of the books I’m reading this month, Laziness Does Not Exist, goes into the history of this weird phenomenon and why it infects our culture to this day, which is fascinating.
This seems like a book I would write🤣. I'm excited🥰 pic.twitter.com/vvUSvTcz2o
— A Purple Life (@APurpleLifeBlog) May 8, 2021
Anyway, I’ve heard from other early retirees that when people ask this question and they respond with “I’m retired” that they get a lot of follow up questions and even disbelief from strangers about their answer. As a result, leading up to my own retirement, my partner and I tried to decide how we would answer this question so we could enter and exit conversations as quickly as possible (#IntrovertsUnite).
Some retirees opt for lies (“I’m a consultant”) or half truths (“I’m an investment manager…(unsaid) for my own portfolio”). My partner and I joked that I should say I’m a canine Instagram profile manager, but then I realized that might actually lead to questions, which I would definitely not have the answers to. I have the brain of an 85 year old woman and barely understand the ‘Gram.
But we spent a lot of time thinking about this question that to be fair, is ubiquitous in conversations within our society. I played out scenarios in my mind. I mentally came up with a decision tree of how these conversations would go and then…none of it mattered.
As an experiment, I have told anyone who asks what I do that “I’m retired.” Since I (hopefully) do not look 65, it’s fairly obvious that I’m early retired. I expected based on hearing the experience of others that there would be follow up questions or some type of confusion or disbelief, but that hasn’t been the case.
Just like my entire family and friend group, knowing during my entire 5 year journey that I planned to retire at 30, when I say I’m retired, people respond with “Cool” and ask no follow up questions. All that planning for nothing!
While I completely acknowledge that this is just my experience, I am shocked that no one in real life, online or anywhere else has responded at all to a 30 year old black woman saying she’s retired, but that’s the truth.
People Asking For Money
One of the reasons I hear why people don’t want to share their financial details online – even anonymously – is the worry that people will ask you for money. Speaking to the above dilemma, some were worried that if they said they were retired and looked sufficiently young, that people would assume they had money and ask for some as a result.
In my case, as I’ve mentioned, I’ve always been open with my friends, family and even some colleagues, that this was my goal and showed them the math for how it’s possible. As a result, they have the very simple calculations needed to know approximately how much money I have. I also obviously share every dollar I spend or earn on this blog. Many of my friends and family know about and read this blog.
So in a way, I’m the worst case scenario – everyone knows either abstractly or concretely how much money I have and I should have people popping out of the woodwork to take advantage right? Surprisingly, the truth is exactly the opposite. I have never had anyone ask me for money.
In fact, it is a FIGHT when I want to pay for something for another person. Consistently – this hasn’t just happened once or a handful of times. It has involved (pre-pandemic) flagging down wait staff before they reach the table to pay the bill and hiding money in other people’s houses when they refuse to either accept mine or let me pay outright. Countless times. People know I no longer work, what my net worth is and still argue with me if I try to pick up a bill.
Obviously this is also an anecdote, but I’m starting to suspect that the fear of people asking for money just because they can discern that you have some might be overblown. However, one reason this has never happened is because I have actively removed people from my life who might have asked.
Hmmmm….out of my friends, no. Out of my family…..I ignore the ones who would think they could ask so also no. Lol
— From One Geek to Another (@fromonegeek) April 30, 2021
I didn’t remove them for that reason, but if I were to imagine who I’ve ever interacted with that might have tried it, that venn diagram is a circle. And to that end, I’m not actually scared of someone asking me for money. After years of building up the muscle at work, I know how to say no.
So, I think this concern might be overblown. Please let me know if you disagree below. This is obviously just based on my experience. However, even if it’s not overblown, knowing how to say no is a powerful skill I think we all need to learn.
How To “Fill Your Days”
To start, I don’t like this phrase “fill your days” because it implies your life is a calendar that needs to be packed to be complete or like days are something to get through or that unscheduled days are not valuable. Down time is important, but I’m on the precipice of another #SlugLife rant so I’ll save that for another time.
I have heard from a few readers that they don’t know what they would do in retirement, so I’ve compiled some ideas based on how my retirement has been going:
- Follow Your Curiosity – go down that rabbit hole without your future self yelling at you for staying up until 3am researching invasive flower species (or whatever subject normal people fall into rabbit holes about…of course I’m not speaking from experience 😉 )
- Do And See Everything You’ve Ever Dreamed – I’m talking national parks, national treasures (not the bad movie…), your friends and family who you rarely see (and usually just during rushed large events like weddings or graduations), learn that skill you’ve always talked about, write that book you dreamed about, move to a new country, learn a language. Literally anything you want. Take 3 naps a day for all I care!
Despite retiring at 30, I still know I won’t have the time in my life to see and do everything I want before I go. So it’s hard for me to fathom that someone else could not think of one thing to do that would fulfill them after they quit working.
I know and have experienced how it takes time after being so go Go GO at a job to remember what I like doing when my time is my own, but not having any idea how you would fill a life of freedom doesn’t really click for me. There is so much to explore in this world. I don’t get to everything I want most days despite being able to do whatever I want.
Conclusion
And that’s it! I hope some of these anecdotes has saved you time contemplating things that might not even happen or matter in your retirement. There are enough things to worry about in this life without us adding “possible retirement conversation outcomes” to the list 😉 .
What do you worry about after you quit your job?
It has been a joy reading these posts. Reading your posts about work vs retirement are night and day. I love your sense of adventure and excitement for all sorts of different things.
You seem to be in a bubble of supportive people about early retirement, especially your mom and partner.
I’m not too worried about what people would say. I find that in person, most people are more reasonable than you’d expect.
I’m so glad you enjoy them! And wow – I didn’t realize it was so stark. I might have to re-read my own posts to see what you mean 🙂 . That’s a great way to put it – I guess I assumed I would have this bubble of basically two supportive people, but was surprised by everyone else. That’s awesome you’re not worried about what people would say. I spent a ridiculous amount of time thinking about that. That’s awesome that most people are reasonable in person!
My wife and I retired in our 50’s. One of our concerns was what would we do to fill the time. It has never been a problem and, in fact, we and many of our retired friends often comment that we wonder how we ever fit work into our lives. We find saying “No” is an important and valuable skill.
Enjoy your thoughts. Thanks
I’m glad I’m not the only one! I still remember how I fit work into my life in that I was never this calm or rested 😉 , but I look forward to forgetting. And yes, “no” is super important. Thank you!
I don’t say “I’m retired” anymore. 🙂
Maybe society is more accepting now, who knows?
I agree about filling your day. There are so many things to do. I never have enough time to do everything I want.
You’ve always been very careful with labels, which I appreciate. But in my situation I can’t really think of what someone would call me beside retired…maybe a professional napper? Agreed on never having enough time to do what you want!
What a fun post. It’s surprising how these things you were worried about just didn’t materialize. So many worries seem to go that way.
I too think that it is messed up that what we do for a living is so important in America society. I think I’ll make a point of asking new people I meet “What do you like to do?” Or something similar.
I’m so happy you enjoyed it! And yeah worries do seem to be like that. And yeah it’s messed up – please let me know how asking that goes! I’m curious.
as usual, is a joy to read your articles. First that to see you are going well and the post retirement time is not emotionally sock for people. Second, to see how simple and smoothie can be the retirement life, how superficial are the problems.
Third, I am following you and coming often to re read you as I have a similar financial target (low needs, a simple life) and walking in your steps seems to be a easier path than running blindly on the financial independence road.
Thank you! So glad you’re enjoying it and cool to hear you have a similar target. You’ve got this! Good luck 🙂 .
I worry about having to go back to an office job. But now there are so many ways to make money if it’s really necessary, so I really need to get that worry out of my head!
Thanks for removing the other worries too 😉
That’s fair – there do seem to be a lot more opportunities these days overall. And no problem 😉 .
I often struggle with what to say to people, most of them family, when we actually pull the trigger and retire; especially, because I can’t remove some of them! Haha
I do agree that – maybe people overthink it – and say they will be bored in retirement… WHAT?!?! I don’t think I would be bored, there’s so much to do and see and I won’t be at work! Woohoooo I can’t wait to live the retired life!!!!
I mean…no one is above removal in my mind haha, but I’ve been told I can be robot-like sooooo 😉 . And haha yeah it’s awesome – good luck!
I do worry about this. Partly because I think some family will not be supportive and partly because we’re planning to move to a place where early retirement is seen as anti-society. And (because I am a worrying champ!) I even worry about what I want my work departure email to say!
On the money side, I worry about not being able to be as generous in retirement to the non-profits that I support.
I most definitely do NOT worry about being bored, but perhaps aimless?
Yep – sounds like we had some of the same worries. Where are you planning to move where retirement is anti-society? And if it helps, I didn’t even send a departure email – I never had at my of my 7 jobs and didn’t feel like breaking the streak now! As for non-profits, personally I built my giving budget into my overall retirement budget. And that’s interesting about aimless – in contrast I felt aimless while having a job and too tired to do anything about it vs retirement – I feel like I’ve never had more ‘purpose’.
Anecdotally, I think I can answer as to why that “what do you do?” retirement answer doesn’t spark as much conversation as you’d expect. Maybe it’s because I’m surrounded by nerds, but most folks are caught off-guard with an atypical answer to a typical question. (Example: society in general isn’t good at conversating if you answer the “how are you?” question in anything other than the positive.) And they’re caught off-guard juuuuust enough that they don’t think of a quick enough response other than a “neat” or “that’s so interesting”.
Even if it is SUPER interesting (and it is!! Who retires at 30, what!) and something they do want to ask about, they soon get distracted by life in general and never do end up asking. There’s so much going on in daily life that you’re only likely to get more probing questions from someone who’s already been thinking/fantasizing about something similar, and we both know too few people are thinking about retirement nowadays.
I like this take! I interpreted it as people don’t really care about you (in a good way!) That they mostly mind their business and your life choices aren’t really a thing they but their noses into (in real life – this seems reversed on the internet for some reason haha).
Yes! Sounds like you have good people in your life. I’m always trying to encourage my (especially female) friends to practice saying no more often. I witness a lot of anxiety around turning things/people down.
By the way, I saw your note on the Favs page about Personal Capital calling you monthly to offer services. Do they still call you? I used to work for a phone bank. If clients said they weren’t interested, we would assume we could call them another day. 😉 The workplace policy there stated that we would keep calling people unless they explicitly requested “remove me from your call list”. If you haven’t tried that language yet, I would recommend it!
That’s a good goal to have. And now that I think about it…I can’t remember the last time they called me. Maybe all my complaining finally worked! I’ve told them on the phone and over multiple social media accounts to leave me alone/remove me from their list and they hadn’t until this point. Though the last time I thought they stopped talking about it jinxed me and they were back.
Some great messages in this post, and although my wife and I are in our 50s, I see our outlook is much in alignment with yours.
P.S. Can you send us some money?
Haha I’m glad I’m not the only one.
P.S. Way to break my streak – and no 🙂 .
Has the worry that the money could run out ever crossed your mind? Or how hard it could be to actually land a job, not get interviews, after a year or two or however long of a break it is?
Those are my two biggest fears.
So it’s really weird, but I worried SO much about those things before I quit and now I see them as a non-issue. I think that’s because of basically all factors: my costs are well below what I estimated even with doing whatever I want, people are still giving me money without me doing anything and even more people are offering me more money that I am turning down. In addition, I keep seeing people at my previous company and in my industry joining after 5-10 years off and it was never an issue. All my worries seem to be for naught so far. I don’t know if it’s going over the hump of retirement or time or both that’s helped me, but that’s where I am.
I think it’s funny that you spent all that time planning for how to answer the question “What do you do?” and nobody has actually asked you…
Of course, I doubt all that planning will be in vain. At some point, somebody will surely ask!
Yeah my brain is a silly overthinking place 🙂 . We shall see…
Your post put a really interesting and funny spin on how to navigate cultural norms vs our own expectations of fire. Thank you, it was a cathartic read for me!
I retired last month at 40 and yes I was worried about telling people I was retired too, but like you said everyone understood it.
Also I thought I was going to be bored after a while but that hasn’t been the case at all. My days have been filled with doing all the things that I wished I could do while I was working. I love to cook so I started baking fresh bread. I’ve been going on long walks in the morning, and spending more time catching up with friends and family.
I’m so happy to hear that 🙂 . Congratulations on your retirement!! And yumm fresh bread sounds amazing. My SIL just made garlic knots and they were too delicious. Long walks and time with loved ones sound amazing – enjoy!
Being retired early is decent. I know people who worked until later in their life. They retired but could not adjust since their self worth was based on work by then. Better to retire early and do other things.
That’s an interesting perspective.
What can I say? Purple; you are a BRAVE soul. I have distant family members who still think I’m on an extended sabbatical :).
Re: things you don’t have to worry about but thought you would. I’m just going to throw it out there. Loosing my identity as a physician was kind of the elephant in the room before I retired, or at least I thought it would be. But not practicing medicine (especially during the pandemic – oh gosh- here comes the hate mail) turned out to not be as “scary” as I thought it would. Granted I kept up with all my board certifications in order to put my white coat back on if I needed or wanted to, but so far, it hasn’t been the case. I am grappling this year with giving up all my certifications as it is super hard to get them back, but with a deep breath and thinking of all those fees I won’t have to pay, I think I’m going to give them up for good. Whew!
Haha thank you 🙂 . That’s totally fair and I can definitely see a loss of identity happening with career that hardcore that requires so much upfront work. Awesome to hear you didn’t lose your identity and that you had a backup plan if you did!