This Thursday is Thanksgiving: a holiday filled with too much food, too much alcohol and if you’re lucky, not a lot of drama. I unfortunately am not one of the lucky ones. Growing up, Thanksgiving (and all holidays where family was involved) instilled a sense of dread in me. We would have hoards of people descend on our house not just on the day, but often for the entire week.
The Invasion Begins
My home would go from being my quiet sanctuary to a loud, busy, crowded space. And the meals were even worse – each one seemed to take a page from a book I made up called “How To Start A Family Fight In 30 Seconds Or Less.” All the hot buttons seemed to come out the minute we sat down: Politics, Religion, Old Grudges – anything that could cause tension was right there from the first moment we all got together. I was a teenager at the time and the amount of alcohol the adults drank only made matters more heated. I would dread Thanksgiving week and above all meal times.
A Lesson In Avoidance
One year in high school, I stumbled upon a way to avoid 90% of the Thanksgiving week drama. I was walking to my room when a relative asked, “Oh do you have studying to do?” I didn’t, but I leaned into it. “I have SO much studying to do! See you later – bye!” From that year on, I holed myself up in my room for every moment except for meal time because I had to “study.” I was such a nerd that everyone bought it. I continued this ‘proud’ tradition until I went to college, had a little money and was able to make my own decisions. My first adult decision: I was never going home for Thanksgiving again.
Pushback
I put my foot down. My friends told me I was being rude and ungrateful, some family members apparently made snarky comments (I don’t know the specifics since I wasn’t there to hear them 🙂 ) and generally I was told that skipping a family gathering isn’t something you DO. The common ‘wisdom’ seemed to be that you can’t pick your family, but you have to endure them for set gatherings that were already, somehow decided by society.
Discovering Net Negatives
It made no sense to me. Why endure something that makes you stressed out and miserable? Why voluntarily subject yourself to harsh words and hateful talk? Why be forced to spend time with people who do not bring you joy? This is when I started forming what is now a large part of my life philosophy: If I analyze an event, place or person, and it creates more negative feelings than positive ones (a net negative), I strike it from my life.
Bucking Convention
The people around me were saying that taking this stance with something as sacred as a holiday was unacceptable, but I refused to be swayed and since I started putting my foot down and cutting out net negatives 10+ years ago, my happiness has skyrocketed. I haven’t been home for Thanksgiving since my last year of high school. I don’t go home for Christmas if family is gathering at my home. Instead I’ve replaced these stressful times that I used to spend with my family and replaced them with events and people and places that bring me immeasurable joy.
A Whole New World
My first Thanksgiving after high school, I went to my aunt’s house by the ocean and invited my international friends from college to come with me. They all lived too far to go home for that short of a holiday: in Pakistan, Argentina and Canada. They were going to stay on our basically deserted campus, but instead I got to share a wonderful ocean side cottage with them. We had only been in school a few months and that Thanksgiving week with them solidified our friendship. I had a wonderful time and discovered that shockingly, I didn’t burst into flames by not following convention. We’re still close friends to this day. I replaced a dread-filled holiday with a joy-filled one and I have no regrets.
How about you? What do you do that defies convention? Has it made you happier?
This post made my heart sing! I believe we get to choose our family as adults. And I also believe that no one deserves any amount of your time if they don’t treat you well, and that includes family.
I have a similar philosophy around holidays- they’ve always been tension and drama filled and a couple of years ago I had enough. The good news for me is that we live so far away, the only holiday we even have time to go home for is Christmas.
I hope you have an awesome, joy-filled Thanksgiving!
Aww I’m so glad!! I was worried to post it to be honest – it’s a little more ‘real talk’ than most of my stuff. I agree with you completely! Good to know I’m not a crazy outlier in these things. And ah yes – the lovely excuse of living across the country. I use that one a lot too. I hope you have a joy-filled Thanksgiving as well! I’m actually having a Friendsgiving with people I met through the FIRE community! I’m super excited. Thanks so much for stopping by!
i used to share an apartment with friends in my mid-20’s. my best friend and i had family about 2 hours away and t’giving had gotten to be substandard and our visits unappreciated. in 1993 we blew off traveling and spent my company gift certificate on all the thanksgiving food and a case of beer. i woke up and ran a 10k in the freezing cold and we went back to the apartment and cooked the huge dinner that would have fed 10-12 people. we sat around and watched football and ate and drank beer and had a great relaxing time. we had all those leftovers too. it was the best thanksgiving ever.
enjoy the day, thursday.
That sounds like an AWESOME time! Wow – I might need to re-create that for my next Thanksgiving (minus the 10K run in the cold because I would actually die, but the rest of it I’m onboard with!) I hope you have a great Thanksgiving!
Cutting out toxic people in your life is especially hard to do when they’re also family. Kudos to you for doing something I didn’t learn to do well into my 30s.
I echo Britt’s sentiment – friends are the family you get to choose. Spend your time and energy with people you enjoy, not just tolerate.
Yeah it’s not easy, but I’m super glad I did it. And thank you! I’m not sure if it’s my short patience or constant self-reminder that my time is finite, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m with you and Britt. Super wise. I’ll keep it up! Thank you for stopping by.
I do not blame you for making this decision at all! Although i didn’t formally decide to stop attending family holiday gatherings, I pretty much have. Most of it is due to the expensive of travel, missing work, etc. but to be honest, I’m sort of glad to have that as an excuse. December was always so stressful for me. I prefer to visit my family on my own schedule, when it’s something I want to do and not something I’m obligated to do.
Hi! I’m so glad you were able to cut that stressful time out of your life. I totally agree: holidays should really be enjoyed and not feared. Visiting the people you love on your schedule is a great alternative to forced family functions. Thanks so much for stopping by!
There are so many things we do out of society (or someone else’s) expectations. Good for you on setting boundaries. It’s not always easy but once you do it and stick to it, you’re left wondering why you didn’t do it sooner.
It’s a useful skill best learned early on.
You are completely correct. It’s wild what people do because they’re ‘supposed’ to including getting married and having kids without wanting to (coming from the mouths of a few friends into my horrified ears). And yes I’m super grateful I learned to set these boundaries early on. Thank you for stopping by!
The hard part is when 95% of your family is awesome to be around but there’s one person who makes it less so. Amazing what a holiday gathering looks like when they remove themselves from the situation.
Now that is something I hadn’t considered! My percentages are the opposite 🙂 . Awesome that they removed themselves though – I imagine it was a wonderful time!
I stopped celebrating holidays with my parents about 45 years ago. I was lucky to enjoy my husband’s family’s holidays instead. All the parents are gone now so we get together with DH’s sister once or twice a year and call it good. We kind of like not having to share the turkey and pie when it’s just the two of us. And not having to listen to anyone else’s music or other noise is priceless!
That’s lovely that you found another part of the family to share holidays with. I’ve been doing similarly lately by visiting my partner’s family. It sounds like you have it all figured out with your new set up! Avoiding the extra noise and food sharing sounds like a great bonus. Thank you for stopping by!
I can identify with so much of this! I don’t think we ever made a big deal out of Thanksgiving (not that it was ever drama-free), but Christmas has always been a bit crazy.. too much food, bickering and arguments, mad and disorganized shopping sprees.
This year I’ve decided I’m not going to bother with any shopping. We’re all adults and can buy our own stuff, plus I really, really hate shopping anyways 😀 I’ll be making gifts for everyone – and I do expect snark and sarcasm for it, but I think I’m old enough now to care less and less..
Glad I’m not the only one who encountered this. Were there different people at your Thanksgiving vs Christmas? Wondering what factors made one worse than the other. That’s a great shift to buying your own stuff! Totally no need to stress yourself out over something people can do for themselves. I also hate shopping. Loving that you’re starting to care less about what others think/say with age. I seem to be doing the same 🙂 . Thank you for stopping by!