How To Negotiate With A Spendy Partner Or Family Member

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I have a dilemma and I was hoping you could help me figure out the best solution. I’ve heard from several couples that it can be a challenge to plan trips and events when each of them makes a vastly different income.

At times one half of the couple may want to do pricey activities with their significant other – activities such as a ski trip to Whistler that could take a fairly large chunk of income from the lower wage earner.

Are your savings goals incompatible with your partner's spending habits? Learn how to reach a mutually agreeable solution so your hearts and budgets can be happy.
Are your savings goals incompatible with your partner's spending habits? Learn how to reach a mutually agreeable solution so your hearts and budgets can be happy.
Are your savings goals incompatible with your partner's spending habits? Learn how to reach a mutually agreeable solution so your hearts and budgets can be happy.
Are your savings goals incompatible with your partner's spending habits? Learn how to reach a mutually agreeable solution so your hearts and budgets can be happy.

The ski loving half of the couple doesn’t want to go with anyone else. What’s a fair outcome here? Should the higher earner pay for everything? Should they pay for a larger portion of the trip? Should each of them pay a specific percentage of their after-tax salary?

Obviously this isn’t my specific situation since my partner and I make similar incomes, but I have encountered this challenge with a family member: My Mom. She is quickly approaching a part of her retirement that she hilariously calls “High On The Hog.”

She has been retired for over 4 years at this point (she actually retired the same month I got serious about FIRE and started writing this blog – interesting coincidence or something else? 😉 ) and her retirement has gone even better than forecast financially.

On top of that, she and her husband are going to start taking their social security payments soon. In other words, she’s about to have more disposable income and as I’ve mentioned before she is a classy lady who enjoys the finer things in life.

So I’ve reached a dilemma. My Mom prefers traveling with me, likes fancy trips and will have the disposable income to pay for them. I, in contrast, prefer the simpler things in life and am trying to follow a strict budget in the first few years of retirement to help combat sequence of return risk. What we have in common is that we want to spend time with each other, travel together and explore the world. So how do we reconcile our different wishes and budgets?

Below are the guidelines I’m following to deal with this. Feel free to chime in within the comments to let me know what you think and if you have any suggestions or experience with this issue.

1. Discuss Goals And Values

My Mom and I have been talking about what we REALLY want out of a vacation, specifically my planned ‘Victory Lap’ to Australia and New Zealand right after I retire next year. My Mom wants to be waited on hand and foot and feel like she’s escaping her (still awesome) regular life that involves cooking, cleaning, paying bills and generally running the household.

My goals are to relax after a huge life change, explore a new continent and see the Great Barrier Reef before it disappears. We’ve discussed how we can achieve our travel goals more generally in the most cost effective way possible (like going to Costa Rica and Thailand where our dollar stretches further instead of our previous trips to the Maldives and Fiji). However, that kind of geo-arbitrage is not possible in this case so we’ve decided to instead rotate between the fancy places she wants to stay and the normal AirBnBs I would have chosen.

2. Decide How To Split The Bill

If you’re not splitting the bill down the middle, there needs to be a decision ahead of time of how it will be split. Using the skiing example above, if a high earning girlfriend wants to go on an expensive ski vacation in Whistler and it costs $5,000 each and her lower paid boyfriend would be fine going to a local ski resort and paying $1,000 they could agree that the boyfriend will pay the $1,000 he was prepared to and the girlfriend pays the rest (if they’re OK with that obviously).

This is the approach we’re taking for this trip. I’m paying for the kind of accommodations I would get if I were with my partner and she’s covering the difference.

3. Continue To Communicate Openly

I’m not planning to take a lot of trips like this with My Mom – perhaps one a year and for way less time than we’re going to New Zealand and Australia. She wants to take these trips with me specifically (we’re travel buddies) and I’m happy being with her anywhere (including just chilling on my couch in Seattle). This is the conclusion we’ve come to for now, but we will continue talking to each other to see how this arrangement affects us and adjust accordingly.

In this situation and the fictional one with a couple going to a ski resort, you don’t want resentment to build. If it starts to feel uncomfortable or someone wants to change the plan, it needs to be discussed. In the ski example, I don’t see the boyfriend as a ‘freeloader’ or anything like that and I don’t see the girlfriend as ‘allowing’ him to do something. This is a partnership based on love (I assume…). The goal is to do something fun together that you both enjoy that doesn’t wreck your budget.

Conclusion

So that’s the plan for now! We’ll see how it shakes out in practice for my wallet and my mind.

Have you ever had to negotiate with a spendy partner or family member? How did you end up resolving the issue?

34 thoughts on “How To Negotiate With A Spendy Partner Or Family Member

  1. In this scenario, I think I’m the spendy partner lol We’ve travelled so rarely during the course of our five years together (literally once), that when we were planning for our TWO trips this year, I didn’t mind looking at lodging that we otherwise wouldn’t have considered because of price. My partner wants to have a more frugal trip and spend more on other areas of our life (like home renovations, which I think are useless lol ). We ended up reaching a compromise with comfortable, but not crazy expensive digs that will still help us enjoy our trips, without breaking the bank. Good luck with your Mom! I know how strong mom-guilt can be!

    1. Haha and there’s nothing wrong with that! It’s awesome y’all seem to have found a good compromise and balance (vacations vs home renovations included lol). And we haven’t reached the guilt stage yet lol, but I’ll keep you posted.

  2. When Mr. FOGO and I started traveling together, it was a transition. He could afford to come with me on the cruise (he paid for half), but not to do anything on it. He also didn’t want me to pay for him, so it was what it was. I didn’t like it, but I was also on a cruise so I was having fun regardless.
    After we got married, we combined finances. I took over planning for vacations and finally got to do shore excursions and stuff. 🙂
    Not a bad way to split it. Mr. FOGO would have never gone for it, but it works.

    1. That’s so interesting. Why didn’t he want you to pay for him (if you offered)? Good to hear combining finances helped y’all reach a compromise!

  3. As I read this post, I was overwhelmed with the thoughts that came to mind. The post serves as a microcosm of a much larger theme. You can swap out “vacation” and replace with car, house, restaurant meal, furniture, etc. etc.
    You have definitely hit the mark though…. it’s gotta be all about the communication and compromise. Sometimes it might not be possible, and that’s okay. Spending time with someone might have to take another form, if ideals around vacations are markedly different.

    1. That’s totally true. I’m lucky that since my partner and I don’t combine finances the only piece of that that we have to compromise on is furniture and eating and drinking out. I definitely spend more on that than I would if it was just my decision, but he wants to go out and have me with him so I spend a little more for that reason. And this is a great idea: “Spending time with someone might have to take another form, if ideals around vacations are markedly different.”

  4. i can tell you that with spending decisions it’s not always easy. you read the 1st post about our attic studio renovation? we keep a lot of money separately but the cost overrun is community dough. it really was “her” space so it just kinda loosely buys me some bargaining power on the next spending decision. it’s easier when neither of you are especially needy about spending and luxuries (except wine).

    on the flip side of this when i was younger i dated some spendy types and made all sorts of wrong decisions to go along with them for dinner/drinks/trips, etc. it wasn’t really pressure from them and was stuff i wanted to do but they were really detrimental to my financial well-being for a long time. did i really need that gucci shirt and tie from beverly hills? probably not. but that was 1996 and i still have them and they look great.

    1. Indeed I did read that post – you’re helping with my resolve to never own a house/do renovations 😉 . I like consistent costs too much. I do love that you think of that spending as buying you bargaining power next time lol. All about that strategy! Super interesting about the spendy types you dated – I would have thought there was some pressure involved, but you did all that yourself huh 😉 . I must admit I have a similar history – not with who I dated, but who I hung out with in New York. I look forward to seeing this fancy gucci shirt and tie from beverly hills 🙂 .

  5. Can’t say I’ve had the need to negotiate with a spendy partner or family member. Therefore, I consider myself very lucky. I think if I were you I’d show some numbers and give some hints on how much better your mom can be if she limits her spending. But don’t push it too hard. Nobody likes to get told what to do exactly. She needs to be willing to change her spendy lifestyle.

    1. That’s awesome! As for my Mom I don’t actually think she needs to change her spendy ways. She can afford it many times over and these trips give her joy year-round. She’s quite frugal in all other aspects of her life and is still prudent with her vacation spending – she just likes more luxe accommodations than I would book for myself. She doesn’t need any more money so I doubt showing her numbers would do anything. Thanks for stopping by!

  6. I’ve never been in that situation thankfully, but I think it’s fair for the other person to pay for the difference between what they want and what the travel partner wants. If they’re not willing to do that (clearly your mom is, but if she weren’t), then they need to lower their trip expectations or travel separately.

    I think it’s great that you and your mom travel together. I definitely wouldn’t mind some trips with my mom if she were up for it. But first, travel hacking to get the necessary points for the trip(s)!

    1. Completely agree! If we couldn’t come to an agreement we’d have to change the plan lol. And yeah we love being travel buddies! We have similar sensibilities/travel personalities and enjoy similar vacation locations (mostly beaches), while our men do not so we have to leave them at home 😉 . And yes get on that travel hacking – after I introduced my Mom to it a few years ago she’s become OBSESSED and surpassed me in prowess. Maybe your Mom will be the same!

  7. I think you can let your mom pay for the majority of the cost for these kinds of trip. It’s your mom and she can afford it. She’ll feel good about it.
    It’d be more a different discussion with friends. I think you’ll have to pay 50/50. Negotiate on the accommodation and locations instead. That’s tough. My friends and family are all pretty frugal so I rarely have that problem.
    Enjoy your trip!

    1. Thank you for your blessing 🙂 . And yeah it would totally be a different discussion with friends. In the past if a group wants to spend way more than I’m willing to I suggest an alternative and if it’s shot down I don’t go and plan something fun for when they get back. I don’t expect friends to pay for me lol. Awesome you rarely have this problem! Thanks for stopping by!

    1. You caught me! I’m a freeloader and FIRE is a pyramid scheme! So great you got to travel with your Mom and super cool you were able to pay for it – one day I should be able to flip the dynamic. Thank you!

  8. In my first marriage, we combined finances completely. This served us well for as long as our financial goals were aligned. When our goals started to diverge, things became a little more problematic. It’s hard to feel like your purchases need to be justified to your partner. That situation was not the cause of the end of our marriage, but it was a sore spot sometimes.

    In my current marriage, there are separate and combined accounts. Primarily, we have separate property regimes. Our incomes and accounts are our own. We do not have to justify to each other how we spend our money. We do, however, also have joint accounts, which fund household expenses. We have different incomes, and so our contribution to the joint accounts are different. For us, it feels like a good balance between autonomy and co-operation.

    Fortunately, we have very similar values when it comes to travel 🙂

    Again, it’s never one-size-fits-all. We’re all a little different.

    1. I’m sorry combining finances became problematic. And yeah – feeling like you need to justify yourself for what is partially your money feels a little yucky to me. I like your new set up! Very cool to hear your contribution to the joint account is based on your different income. Awesome you agree on travel and I am completely with you – personal finance is definitely personal.

  9. This is me and my sister lol, but I’m the spendier one just because I have a job and she’s still in university. Well, anything is spendier than doing nothing haha.
    We do all the things that you talked about here, open communication and getting down to what it’s really about – spending time with each other. One bonus is since I’m living in various places overseas she takes a trip and only has to pay for flight tickets. Once she arrives she just lives with me and saves on accommodation costs which is usually the biggest expense.
    If I really want to do something she cannot afford I would just treat it as her birthday gift for that year and pay for her.

    1. That’s awesome y’all found a balance that works for you. And taking a vacation to where you’re teaching with free lodging sounds like a great tactic 😉 . Love that you call her treats birthday gifts too! Maybe I should start doing that…

  10. My husband and I can both be spendy on the things that we value (which sometimes are different from the things the other values). We discuss and usually come to a price that we’re both comfortable with—either a compromise or the original price because one of us persuaded the other that it makes sense.

    I think your point about communication is spot on. As long as everyone is on the same page, there shouldn’t be an issue.

    1. Oooh sounds like some hardcore (but respectful) negotiating right there! Now that I think about it my partner and I do the same when we buy new items for the apartment for example. Glad you agree with the communication point – it does seem to be key to keep a relationship healthy – especially where money is involved.

  11. My husband and I just booked a 5 day summer vacation. Fortunately, we are on the same page when it comes to spending. He did the research and said it was “expensive”. I looked at the price and thought it was perfectly reasonable. Sometimes, there is a difference in perception. LOL – we did agree on the one hotel that has free breakfast!

    1. That’s so funny how people have different anchor prices in their head for things. And yay free breakfast – sounds like an awesome choice to me!

  12. When I’ve traveled with people who have larger budgets, I always try to arrange for the accommodations so I can keep them in my price range. I also seem to have a knack for finding good deals (and I’m a little bit of a control freak about getting a lot for my money when it comes to hotels/AirBNBs, so there’s that…)

    I’m still so excited for your trip to Australia/New Zealand! There should be plenty of opportunities to keep spending within reason 🙂

    1. That’s a great tip! I like to do the same with my friends and they don’t enjoy wrangling cats so I’m usually the planner and that helps me keep within budget. And YES I’m excited too!! I think there will be especially since we can cook our own food in the AirBnBs. Thank you for stopping by!

  13. Hi, if your mom doesn’t want to cook on holidays, would it maybe be an option that she pays the restaurants for the two of you and that you cook every other day (and pay for those meals)? Of course it depends where you travel whether you save a lot of money doing this or not quite so much… good luck firing so soon! I just started the journey… i am in the stage that i absolutely convinced myself (and my husband) that i want to someday fire, but as we don t have vanguard available here (which seems the no brainer for American citizens), i still need to take the first action of putting our savings money somewhere smarter than a savings account. Also… travel hacking in Belgium is so much more restricted… 🙁

    1. Interesting idea! That actually will most likely be what happens with our current plan actually. When I’m around here I try to do all I can so she can relax (though I’m not often successful when we’re at her house at least – she’s very stubborn 🙂 ). So when we are in an AirBnB with a kitchen I’m happy to cook while she enjoys her vacation. However me paying for those groceries vs her paying for restaurants won’t make much of a dent in evening out the costs (maybe if I included my labor lol). And thank you! Good luck on your journey. That’s awesome you and your husband are onboard. As for investing in Europe, a few Euro friends have found this useful in case you haven’t seen it: https://jlcollinsnh.com/2014/01/27/stocks-part-xxi-investing-with-vanguard-for-europeans/. And yeah travel hacking is (sadly) so prevalent here because credit card companies make so much money off of most of us that they can afford to offer those awesome sign up deals for the few of us that pay off our card in full each month. I hope you can find a helpful solution soon! Thank you for stopping by!

  14. Nice information.That’s a great tip! I like to do the same with my friends and they don’t enjoy wrangling cats so I’m usually the planner and that helps me keep within budget.Thanks for sharing your knowledge with us.

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