Growing up I never had real ‘neighbors’ – people you lean on and hang out with and form a community with. There were a few children in our cul-de-sac that we played with on occasion or watched a movie with, but those times were few and far between.
To illustrate just how un-neighborly we are: when Halloween rolled around we would intentionally turn out the light on our porch (which of course featured no decorations) and if anyone was brave enough to knock on our door we would pause what we were doing to be still and silent so people would think we’re not home (to this day we still do the same thing if a salesperson or Jehovah’s witness comes a knockin’ #IntrovertLife). So suffice it to say: I never had real neighbors growing up.
“Won’t You Be My Neighbor?”
Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood was one of my favorite shows growing up and one of its main tenets was the idea of neighbors – real neighbors that you could count on. I didn’t understand the concept for the reasons above and the fact that I had never heard of this being a reality when I was growing up in the 90s when “stranger danger” ads were floating around and causing parents to be on edge. To top that off my adolescent years happened right when personal computers were becoming a thing – we started playing outside less and less and our opportunities to fortuitously run into our neighbors decreased exponentially.
Are Neighbors A Suburban Myth?
I had never really considered that the idyllic neighborhoods Mr. Rogers talked about were still a thing until I met Angela of Tread Lightly, Retire Early. She spoke about how her neighbors helped each other, supported each other and were some of her closest friends. And this was happening near Seattle where I lived! I couldn’t believe it. I dismissed it as something that could maybe happen in some parts of suburbia, but certainly not in the middle of the metropolis where my apartment resides.
I was wrong. About two years ago a friend I had in New York decided to move to Seattle. She came and stayed with us while she apartment hunted and I was able to help her choose a place and lend my ‘local’ expertise. She ended up picking an apartment two blocks from ours (of course I didn’t rig her decision – what are you talking about?! 😉 ).
I’ve Been Missing Out
So I accidentally discovered that having ‘real’ neighbors in 2019 and even in an urban area is not only possible, but an immensely happy addition to my life. Since she moved in we have been enjoying weekly Supper Clubs together where we trade off who cooks and which apartment we visit. It’s a lovely way to unwind after a work day and something I look forward to throughout the week. After a leisurely dinner and chat we usually settle down to watch a show, recent film or a hilariously bad movie. Because of our proximity I’ve seen her more in the last 2 years than I did in the 4 years I was in NYC.
In addition to proximity helping us hang out even more, we provide that support that I always heard about. When our internet randomly goes out in the middle of the work day or our washer and dryer decides to go offline when I need to wash sheets for a guest (like it did yesterday) or she goes out of town and has plants that need daily watering – we have each other’s back and it’s absolutely amazing.
A Growing Community
I’ve been lucky enough that two other friends have moved in close proximity to us – one is even on my same street – and that fact increases this feeling of support, security and community that I didn’t think was possible. It allows for spontaneous interactions like running into each other on the way from the grocery store, which turns into a full day of hanging and talking or a neighbor asking if they can come work from our house because they can’t concentrate and we end up having a lovely, Sims-filled day together (Hi Felicity!).
Conclusion
So I stand corrected. Real neighbors do exist – not just in small pockets of suburbia, but in urban environments too. I wish I had taken Mr. Rogers more seriously and made creating friendships with my neighbors (or tricking friends to move near me…) a priority much sooner. It’s brought an immeasurable amount of joy to my life.
Did you have neighbors you interacted with growing up and through adulthood? If so, how have they affected your life?
wow, these generational differences really are huge. we grew up rural in the 70’s and 80’s and were very tight with our neighbors. even though i don’t have my closest friends in buffalo the past 16 years we have gotten to know a lot of our neighbors. mostly it’s just friendly hellos but we at least know a lot of their names. walking around with a handsome dog introduces you to a lot of people you otherwise might never meet too.
i could never live in the ‘burbs. mark it down.
Oh wow – so cool to hear your perspective. I wasn’t sure if this was a generational thing, a regional thing (GA vs NY) or something else. It sounds like walking around a pup is a good hack though! And I’m with you on the burbs – I feel like I’m stuck in a Stepford Wives remake whenever I’m in them (GA burbs specifically because they have no sidewalks).
no sidewalks are anathema. a couple of in-laws live in some hot-lanta suburbs which i hope to never visit. not due to the sidewalk thing but they irritate me.
Agreed on the sidewalks and haha I’m glad you’re following your heart 😉 .
That’s awesome you tricked friends to move close to design your own Mr. Rogers neighborhood ;)! My street is filled with awesome neighbors, similar to Angela’s. We actually have an annual block party next weekend with a bouncy castle and all which I am super excited about. We litterally have “lend me some sugar neighbor?” situations, and our kids are starting to go visit some nieghbors and vice versa.
I’d love to do more of those leisurely dinners though instead of just the impromptu hangout when we see somebody is out with the kids and they walk on over. It’s hard to take the steps to make it happen when you got introvert tendencies lol but so valuable for both us and the kids to make it happen. Your giving me more motivation to get out of my comfort zone and benefit even more of the value of our great neighborhood!
I said I DIDN’T trick them though 😉 . That’s so cool you have awesome neighbors! I wonder if it’s a Canadian thing…Block party? Bouncy castle?! I hope it’s big enough to handle adults!!
I hear you on the introverted tendencies. My hacks for that are to keep the gathering relatively small and to plan it in advance so I can’t back out LOL! So happy to help – let me know if any of your habits change! It’s so cool to see how other neighborhoods work.
That’s great that you have some real neighbors now. I live in a community and I don’t really know my neighbors. That’s partially because of my work schedule (they always do meetups on weekends when yours truly is working). Maybe something to work on in the future.
Yeah it’s a pretty cool and unexpected development lol. That’s too bad they always do hangouts on the weekend. Maybe you can suggest a weekday night so you can join?
This post makes me want to cry – both with happiness for you and for sadness for losing one of said neighbors last month. Once you realize how amazing friend proximity can be, it’s hard to lose even part of it.
I’m sorry lady – I hope you can find ways to keep in contact with them though I know it’s not nearly the same.
It really depends on your neighborhood and the people there. We lived at our last condo for 12 years and weren’t tight with our neighbors at all. Now, we live in a home and we share the backyard with 4 houses. All the kids run out there in the evening and play so it’s been really great so far. Hopefully, we’ll be able to build a better relationship this time around.
That’s an interesting point – I wonder if amount of outdoor space and the shared quality of them have an impact on the abundance of ‘real’ neighbors. Sounds like a fun set up over there! Let me know if it helps build those relationships – I’m curious.
Ha! Well I contend that real neighbors are more likely to occur in more urban settings as opposed to suburban because of the proximity and the unplanned social interactions that occur because of said proximity, especially if you walk a lot of places. Have you read the book Happy City by Charles Montgomery? If not, it’s a great and fun read and it made me realize that the way we have designed many places in our country has made it so that we lack that sense of community that we need as human beings (even if we are introverted).
Hey Liz – Welcome 🙂 . I loved your guest post on Tread Lightly, Retire Early! Very interesting observation – I’ve personally found people in an urban setting more standoff-ish even if we do see each other a lot, but maybe that’s my Manhattan experience talking. I haven’t read Happy City, but that sounds super interesting – I’m adding it to my library queue! Maybe that is why my partner and I often talk about starting a commune type place so we can hang with our friends in a close community. I’ve heard similar rumblings in the FI space too. Thanks so much for stopping by!
We were semi-close with our neighbors. But not “movie night” or “borrow things from each other” kind of tight. Alas, my neighborhood isn’t really very friendly. There’s a block watch, which might help if I joined. But I just don’t care that much. I honestly don’t even really know much about what my neighbors look like, I see them so infrequently. I’m sure I’m missing out, but I got used to being insular when I lived with my ex-husband, who had social anxiety and didn’t want to interact with a lot of people. So we never really got out and met people. Oh well.
I’m sorry your neighborhood isn’t friendly – doesn’t sound like neighbors you should make too much of an effort to hang with – not sure you are missing anything with that crowd 😉 . Though if you want to get out there and see what they’re about it’s never too late 🙂 .
Congrats on finding the value of neighbors. We live on a dead end street, which (I think) creates a much stronger sense of ‘neighborhood.’ We love our neighbors, and definitely have formed a nice little community where we live now. In fact, we borrow most of their tools and equipment for all of our lawn and housing projects. We repay them with fresh eggs and home brewed beer. I think it’s a fair trade!
Thank you! And that sounds like an awesome little community! Borrowing equipment is next level…maybe I need to figure out what I can trade for them…Fresh eggs and home brewed beer sounds like an amazing trade!
I found one of the only ways to make a city like London liveable to try and focus in on your own little part of London where you have friends nearby. However, London is so sprawling that even “nearby” means 30-45 minutes away.
Now that I’ve finally bought a place I’ll hopefully be able to work on building up some connections in the local area. I’m starting from scratch really as I’ve had to move to a different area from where I was renting.
Yeah London is huge. It took me over an hour on a bus to get from north London to Borough Market. Madness. I hope you find success in making connections near your new place! There might be meet ups or something already in place for your neighborhood if you’re looking for ways to jump start it!
Neighbours who are friends (or friends who become neighbours !) are the best.
This is one of the things I really missed when we lived in London . I tried, but with limited success. And city planning has HUGE role to play in this I think – as per the comments above about outdoor spaces.
We moved two years ago and bought a house, and some of our new neighbours are awesome 😉
For me this plays a bit part in feeling settled and putting down roots in a place
So interesting to hear more about how city planning factors into this – I’ve never really thought about it. I’m sorry you founded limited success finding great neighbors in London, but am so glad that’s changed in your new place! Also good on you for knowing what makes you happy and getting after it (roots). I’m the opposite 🙂
A big part !!
We have lived in our current (suburbs) home for 10 years. The neighbors are lovely but there is no real connection. We lived in our former home (also suburbs) for 15 years and made true lasting friendships. I think the difference was that my children grew up at the old house. It was easier to form bonds with other young parents. It’s wonderful that you have made those connections.
That’s so interesting – do you think you were able to find connections with your previous neighbors just because you were in the same life stage (having young children) or was it more of a personality messing situation?
I still need to hit up the neighbors who live in the same building as I do that I met at a local ChooseFI meet up. Man I’m bad at this.
Also can Felicity lose her concentration more please? Haha
LOL – WHAT?! Text them now! That’s is hilariously close. Do I need to add you to my weekly reminders? 😉 As for Felicity, she is sadly (for me and the Sims Twitch Stream) happy and busy at her new job. We will be professional Twitch streamers again one day…
Haha considering I yell at people every week to declutter even though I never declutter myself, I’d say I deserve some weekly reminders 😉
And dammit Felicity, your happiness is ruining my happiness!
You’ve been added MWAHAHA!!! Also I tell Felicity that regularly and nothing has changed LOL!
I love it! I desperately want to facility community creation, because I want that support network and camaraderie. I’m just down south from you, but in my area we have no sidewalks (half of the time, no shoulders) and no front porches. No one walks (because if you do they think you are on drugs) and if you bike: well you are 100% scoping out their house.
It’s something I’m working hard on – figuring out if / when I can sell my home and move into a community. Thank you for reminding me to continue my research and keep focused on my goal!
Oh my – that sounds similar to Atlanta (and one of the main reasons I moved out of there ASAP). I hope you can sell your house soon and find a community! So glad you’re moving towards your goal. Also if you’re ever coming to Seattle let me know 🙂 .
I keep looking for opportunities, but my problem – a good problem to have really – is that I paid so little for my home that there is no decent deal to be had anywhere now! LOL
I plan on getting up north more often. Too many awesome FIRE people are up there and I need to meet all of you (and catch up with those I know from Camp Mustache).
Yeah that sounds a little like a golden handcuff situation. And YAY to going north more often! You definitely need to meet us! Do the people you know from camp mustache live near Seattle or just the general north? Everyone I’ve met from there was from outside Seattle so just curious.
I call anything not Tacoma, up north. LOL! Some people are in Lynnwood, Bothel, Everett, that I can think of off the top of my head. 🙂
HAVE WE MET? I have been to 4 of 6 Camp Mustaches!
I’ve seen and talked to my neighbors dog walker more than I’ve actually seen or talked to my neighbors! I’m envy that you’re cooking for each other. My friends are still so immature that they wouldn’t even think of doing that. It really sucks because I’m a natural entertainer and host!
Haha yeah it seems like dogs really help bring people together in a community. Something I haven’t tried…yet 😉 . And it sounds like you have all the making of a lovely hang out at your place Mr. Natural Entertainer and Host! Cooking isn’t a requirement. Cheese plates for the win!
This reminds me of living in student housing or university towns. We would knock on each other’s room doors to go out for dinner or just to find out who was free for random activities. My family used to live in an apartment complex and that was quite nice for connections as well purely because with so many people in one place you’re bound to find friends.
I’ve really missed that since starting full-time work. I’m finding it again at international schools though because there are teacher dorms and we HAVE to rely on each other haha. Super happy you’re enjoying the neighbourly feelings~*~
YES! You’re spot on. I LOVED the community at college for exactly that reason. Adding this to my long long list of why college is the best (besides letting you make your own schedule and basically being the opposite of traditional jobs). So happy you’ve found community again with your international teacher friends! Sounds like you have a grown up version of college dorm life going – I’m jealous 🙂 . And thank you!
I miss the days of living in the dorms, because I’d just leave my door open 90% of the time, and since I had a room near the beginning of the hallway, it was a constant stream of people popping in and out all day. I had the same room for 3 years, and many of my friends stayed at least 2, if not all 3, of those years.
Now, I have a townhouse complex of 10 units, so you’d think I’d have built-in neighbors, but it’s a really strange bunch. Unfortunately, we’re all financially tied together for common maintenance and expenses, and some fixed-income retirees while others are just straight-up deadbeats. Throw in a slumlord for good measure, and now you know my neighbors. It’s not… ideal.
Perhaps that’s why I spend so much time with my online community!
Yeah dorms and open door policies were awesome! Oh no – I’m sorry to hear about your neighborhood cast of characters. I can definitely see why you spend time with us here 🙂 despite finding some IRL neighbors you all are still the highlight of most of my days 😉 . Thanks so much for stopping by!