I seem to be on a ‘buck the trend’ kick lately. A friend recently came over for dinner and was checking out our bedroom only to exclaim “Wait – do you have separate comforters?!” Ah yes – the most shocking discovery you can make in someone’s bedroom.
Yes, we have separate comforters. In fact, we have separate sheets as well. I really don’t know where these default ideas of how people should live their lives in super specific ways (like sharing comforters in addition to beds) come from. I just don’t get it. I wonder what other many taboos I’m unknowingly breaking…but I’m sure a friend will point them out soon.
Get Your Own Burrito
If you’ve been reading my blog I know this will come as a big shock to you π , but my partner and I try to be very intentional with our choices. One of those choices was buying a second pair of sheets and a comforter. Why? Because I’ve been accused of using one comforter to roll myself up like a snug little burrito and though it’s never been proven π having separate comforters ensures everyone gets to be their own snug burrito and fighting for sheets is not a consideration. I already suck at sleep so anything I can do to help myself get to sleep and stay asleep I do.
Not Attached At The Hip
We put our comfort and happiness first before the fear of looking weird. Here’s something even more shocking than the comforters: My partner and I mostly travel apart. We didn’t go to each others houses for Christmas until 8 years into our relationship. I went home to my parents and he went home to his and we were fine with that.
When my friends are asking “Where are you going next?” I tell them and when I’m describing the trip with My Mom or a friend in attendance they inevitably ask “Your partner isn’t going?!” No, we are not constantly together. It is not required that we are together 24/7. I do know a lot of couples that do go everywhere together (including all trips) and more power to you if that’s what you want, but my partner and I are fine being apart for stretches of time. We already live and work in the same space. I literally see him 24/7 unless I’m traveling.
Mama’s Gotta Have Her Window Seat
Now let’s see if I can give you a heart attack: Even when we DO travel together on planes, we don’t sit together. I know – I almost fainted too. Once again comfort and happiness above all else. We sat next to each other with me in a middle seat for 1 cross-country flight and I wanted to stab my eyes out.
That flight also happened to be when we were moving across the country to Seattle sight unseen (for my partner) so I already had a lot of stuff going on. I didn’t need a wild neighbor in addition to that. When we travel on a plane together we both get window seats – one in front of the other so I can poke him in the back of the head whenever I feel like it! Kidding – more like so he can poke me while we communicate over What’s App (texting in a plane – it’s the future)!
Keep Life Weird
We might need to edit our imaginary ‘No Responsibilities’ crest to include “Comfort and Happiness Above All Else.” Carefully examining our decisions, even within our own relationship have helped us become the strong couple we are today and I suspect has allowed us to happily spend more than a decade together. Don’t be afraid to be weird.
What ‘weird’ things do you do in your relationship that makes you happier? Do you deviate from any ‘standard’ relationship expectations?
Hells yeah! You do you!!
Oh I shall π . Thank you!
When we vacationed in Iceland, the beds in the hotel rooms had two comforters. That’s right, one for each sleeper π We have talked about adopting that at home.
Sitting in separate rows on a plane? That’s a new one. Now you both have to sit beside an overweight, armrest-hogging smelly person who you don’t know.
It is good for partners to have aspects of their lives that are not shared. I applaud your life of intention.
YES! Iceland knows what’s up! Let me know if y’all adopt it at home/how that goes. I’m curious. As for the plane, I’ve luckily never had a seat neighbor that could be described that way and I fly a lot lol. And yes indeed – separate, but interconnected lives for the win!
I love that you choose separate rows while flying. It’s a rare person in my life who understands that…
I’m not married now but when I am, I hope to have separate comforters as well! Makes complete sense to me! (I also have many friends who sleep in separate bedrooms – mostly for comfort/noise. I think it’s great!)
The twin-beds-in-the-50s was from a ban on showing couples in the same bed on television. so they were shown in twin beds instead. Pretty sure real life couples didn’t do the twin bed thing.
Hello fellow separate row enjoyer! Glad I’m not the only one. And I love the planning ahead for marriage/thinking about things ahead of time π . Cool some of your friends sleep in separate rooms – I could definitely see that if my partner snored a lot or something. And good to know that the separate beds in the 50s was just TV related! I learned something new – editing the post now to be more accurate. Thank you!
I have been at estate sales where there are twin beds in the master bedroom so while it may not have been the norm there must have been people who took that cue from the tv and adopted it. Neither bedroom in our 100 year old house is large enough to accommodate twin beds and a queen is pushing it. We have added separate wool blankets into the layers in winter to make sure both of us have sufficient coverage no mater how many dogs are laying on the bed.
Super interesting! Real life reflection TV! Sounds like y’all have it all figured out RE: wool blankets. And how many dogs on the bed are we talking about?!
i stay home a lot for some typical couple functions. i have my art crowd limits, y’know. have you seen that comforter that is shaped like a tortilla where you end up looking like a burrito? it’s hilarious.
I feel you. My coworkers didn’t believe I actually had a partner (or that he was a mop handle with googly eyes) because they hadn’t met him after years of holiday parties lol. I have NOT seen that comforter, but I feel like I need it now!
OMG this is GENIUS. GENIUS.
I currently get the comforter all to myself but gonna keep this in mind π
One thing I (probably) wouldn’t do in a relationship is sleep cuddling. I overheat super easy and arms are really not better than pillows to rest my head on.
Haha glad you like it! And I have a theory that sleep cuddling is mostly something that happens in the movies. Arms are definitely not better than pillows and I need my space lol!
From what I keep seeing/hearing from friends about the inequalities in male/female relationships, I think our total equality of workload seems to be unusual. I don’t have to nag PiC to do his fair share, he just does it and more.
We also do most things together now because we choose to, it’s easier as a family considering our little own has the capacity to drive each one of us up the wall with zir energy, but we still spend quality time with our own friends and nurture those relationships as a high priority as well. We have no intention of letting every relationship that’s not ours wither on the vine.
Yeah I keep hearing something similar from my friends as well (equality of workload is unusual). That’s awesome y’all have achieved that. And love the intentionality both in being together with your kid and keeping other relationships high on the priority ladder. Countless of my friends have completely fallen off the radar after entering into a relationship (not to mention having a kid). Maintaining what you value is super important.
I totally do the βmy comforter is mine aloneβ and the burrito thingie.. NO, NOT SHARING IT! It surprised my then-newly-married-husband but 13 yrs later, heβs more than accustomed to it.
I once read in a forum that a lady and her husband have their own bedroom, bathroom and closet. And that was the secret of their looooong marriage.
Each own to have their own Space is very important.
Yess – being a burrito feels so good. Glad the hubby got onboard! My own bedroom, bathroom and closet ooh! We’ve had all 3 at different times throughout our relationship and I must admit it was quite awesome lol. Completely agree – space and being ok with giving that space is key.
Okay, the comforter thing I do and get.
The separate plane seats? I love the idea but I would never have the guts to bring that one up to the wife. Oh the argument we could have. The cold shoulder I could enjoy.
I obviously don’t know anything about your relationship, but are you sure she’d give you the cold shoulder instead of listening to your ideas? If y’all go against ‘standard’ bed procedure maybe that could extend to a plane? It’s not like you’re not with each other for the rest of the travel process.
My ex and I had separate comforters, so I don’t think that’s weird. For us, though, it was because he had skin issues and what we think was a sensory issue that made him extra sensitive to stimuli. At any rate, he needed a super-soft comforter, and I didn’t like the one he loved so much. It was too hot in the summer and sometimes even the winter.
I do have to say, though, having just one comforter now (and pillows to match!) makes the bed look 1000% better in my eyes. But as far as “things that matter” go, aesthetics of a bedroom is generally pretty far down on the list.
Glad you guys have figured out what works for you. I wouldn’t want to take the middle seat either if I had the choice. Though I do love the image of you guys texting on a plane.
That’s so interesting – thank you for sharing! My SIL has some sensory issues – I wonder if a softer comforter would help her sleep. I’ll look into that. And haha yeah aesthetically one comforter and pair of sheets definitely look better, but I’m all about function over looks (you should see the clothes I wear lol). Definitely lower on the list of things that matter a lot. And yes middle seats are the worst! And texting on a plane is hilarious – I actually prefer in general so you don’t have to yell over the plane noise even if someone is beside you.
We have two not too thick blankets on our bed and I am usually accused of hogging them both in the middle of the night. Maybe we should each take our own and come to a truce on the matter.
For over 8 years when I worked for an airline we had standby benefits where we got whatever seats were available. So we got used to not sitting next to each other on a plane. On long international flights we often get two aisle seats across from each other, so not truly next to each other. Our comfort is important on such a long flight!
Haha BOTH?! That’s next level lol. And yeah if you already have two on there splitting them might be easier than fighting over both. Oooh stand by benefits for 8 years sounds awesome! My Mom worked for an airline for 5 years and I LOVED that perk…didn’t love having to dress up for it, but whatever. Worth it! LOVE the 2 aisle seats on international flights – Comfort first for sure!
When I asked my mother about advice she had for a long marriage to may father (52 years and counting) she said that separate bathrooms and closets were the key.
Your Mom sounds like a smart lady π .
We have had separate duvets and a king sized bed for about 10 years, I always tell newlyweds, it’s the secret to a happy marriage! Good for you.
Love that this is the secret to a happy marriage and that you share that with newlyweds! Let’s keep spreading it so random friends don’t look at me weird π !
I like you. I really like you! It’s so good to know that I’m not alone in my thinking. I’ve been marching to the beat of my own drum for some time and it’s funny when people get a glimpse of your life and are shocked. Good grief, why can’t some people conceive the fact that we get to make up the personal pleasures that governs our day to day existence. If I’m not physically or emotionally hurting you, let me be.
Haha – I really like you too! It really is funny what is shocking to some people. I’m all about marching to your own beat! And I’m completely on board with this “If Iβm not physically or emotionally hurting you, let me be” – maybe it needs to be a t-shirt π . Thanks for stopping by!
We should get separate comforters. Mrs. RB40 doesn’t share well when it comes to blankets.
Do it and let me know how it goes!
My husband would love having 2 comforters because I unintentionally hog ours. Unlike you and Abigail, though, the aesthetics of the bedroom do matter to me lol. Maybe if we get a second comforter in a matching color that we can fold at the end of the bed during the day it would work. π€
Unintentionally huh π ? Our comforters are identical so it looks like there’s just one big comforter from afar.
Get a coverlet to pull up when you make the bed. It’s just a fancy thin blanket or sheet that makes the bed look nice but isn’t supposed to add any warmth. They used to be common and apparently fell out of fashion when comforters took over from quilts and blankets. I use one because it’s more washable than the blankets and we have dogs that sleep on the bed.
Interesting!! If I start caring more about the look of the bed I’ll definitely look into this π .
Totally with you on the separate blankets! We have three on our bed: one for me, one for the husband, and one for the kid (but he usually ends up sharing mine anyway). And then the husband has a sheet as well since heβs the only one who uses one.
We fly three to a row but thatβs more because the kiddo would always pick to sit with me and no way am I letting the husband get out of that by sitting elsewhere π
That’s so awesome! Individual blankets for all! And that’s interesting on the sheet – why don’t you or the kiddo like using one? I don’t love it myself, but my paid actor says it’s “weird” to not use one *loving eye roll*. And that’s hilarious with the airplane seats – definitely don’t let the hubby off the hook lol!
This is great, cause I’ve seen real-life proof of how awesome you two are together. Our weird things go in the opposite direction–we can’t seem to stop talking to each other. Before dating, we started chatting via Facebook and Skype and Google Hangouts throughout the day, and that has only continued through our 8 years together. We even went through a phase where we’d wake up in the morning, have breakfast together, J would get in the car to leave for work and call me, we’d chat the whole way there, and then we’d resume our conversation on Google Hangouts. When he got in the car to come home, he’d call me again, and we’d chat until he reached the driveway. We tried to stop for awhile, but neither of us was super happy about it. So now we just embrace our weirdness!
Haha thank you and that’s not that weird (I think). We aren’t exactly on y’alls level, but when we weren’t both working from home we’d be talking constantly on Google Hangouts or texts. I guess we don’t need to now that we’re with each other 24/7 lol! But totally – embrace the weird!!
There is simply no way to get tucked in tight on both sides with shared comforters. We have a shared fitted sheet, separate top sheets, and separate comforters. With advance warning, we will allow the other into our little cave, tho π
Exactly lol. And haha how much advanced warning do you require?
Sometimes a sneak attack is called for!
Preach!
I got Adam his very own comforter for Christmas. It’s been the best decision for our relationship yet.
I have been dubbed the “baby dino” of the family because I will spread my entire body in all angles across whatever we are sleeping on, taking all the covers with me. As you can imagine, this was not helpful for either of us getting a good night’s sleep.
We actually read a study about the benefits of being in a relationship a few months ago. Basically, relationships are helpful for overall wellbeing in almost all areas EXCEPT sleep. In that area, couples scored significantly lower.
We all have this notion that “happy” couples sleep soundly in the same bed, catching those z’s in a perfect cuddle position. I’m happy you’re spreading the word we can be happier and healthier by giving our bodies what they need!
Elise
Haha that’s an awesome Christmas present! Oh my goodness I’ve never heard of baby dino before – I love that! And fascinating sleeping technique lol. Oooh I’d love to read that study if could share! That’s so fascinating and I totally believe it lol. And yeah where do those stereotypes come from – TV and movies? And yay so glad you appreciated it – screw stereotypes!
When we visited Germany and Denmark, both places we stayed (a friend’s home and an Airbnb) had double comforters & no sheets. I thought they looked good on the bed, and in all honestly, they were wonderful to sleep with!
Sounds like Europe is where it’s at! I’m jealous.
I do a separate heavy blanket *under* the comforter just for me. I like to be much warmer AND have a weighted blanket, plus the other covers seem to love my husbandβs side of the bed. So that works great and I just try to ignore how lumpy it makes the bed look. We also donβt sit next to each other on planes. He likes the window seat and I like the aisle, so weβre usually in the same row with a stranger between us. They often offer to let us sit together, and weβre like no, these are the seats we want. A couple times the airline folks have βfixedβ them for us. I know they were just trying to be nice but now Iβm eagle eyed if they do anything to our tickets π
That’s cool! I haven’t heard of that approach before. I take pride in my lumpy bed π it makes it look comfy lol. YES someone else that doesn’t sit next to their partner on planes! WELCOME! Oh no – what the heck airline! Good thing you’re eagle eyed. That’s never happened to me, but I’ll keep my eye out. Thanks for stopping by!
Catching up on blogs and I just had to comment to say -yes!! What is it with these stupid societal expectations of what we will do as a couple?
We sleep – wait for it – in separate rooms most of the time. Cause Iβm the worldβs lightest sleeper, and he snores loudly. Plus he likes to go to bed (and wake up) about 1-2 hours earlier than me.
It works for us – we get our sleep (keeps me sane and healthy).. Sure sometimes we sleep together, especially when on vacation (generally just too expensive to sleep separately ) and thatβs fine too.
PS : also not married despite being together long term .
Sorry for the monster length comment π
No idea – people are silly π . Love the sleeping in separate rooms! If my partner snored I would do the same (I’m a super light sleeper too). That is a great solution to having different sleep/wake times too. I force myself to stay up with my partner, but would prefer to go to bed earlier…maybe we need another bedroom π . And hello someone in a longterm relationship that’s also not married – Welcome! And please don’t apologize for a long comment – they make my day!!! Thanks so much for stopping by and helping me realize I’m not as weird as I thought!