This is a continuation of my monthly series that records what’s happening in my final stretch to early retirement. If you’re interested in previous posts, they’re here.
I’ve found myself slipping on my goals recently – specifically my food goals. I’ve been going over my calories, carbs and alcohol units and I started reflecting on why. At first, this reflection was actually more of an ambush with me berating myself for straying from the beaten path (which was dumb and I wouldn’t recommend to anyone).
I was telling myself “your work isn’t hard right now so you can’t be stressed so you obviously have NO EXCUSE for slipping!” But after thinking about this for a long while I realized: Work Stress Isn’t The Only Kind Of Stress. I had been operating under that notion because I have carefully designed my life to avoid a lot of stressors, such as owning a house and having kids or pets. In my mind, the only kind of stress that could cause changes in my behavior was work stress. I was wrong.
There are an infinite number of situations that cause stress. Upon reflection, I realized I was experiencing several of them and they were the origin of my issues. These included:
- Uncertainty
- Family And Friend Drama
- Job Concerns
Uncertainty
The uncertainty stemmed from not knowing what our apartment situation would be for the next 15 months until I retire. I didn’t know if they would raise our rent an insane amount and force us to find someplace else in the heat of summer. We’d have to get rid of most of our things, pack the rest, hire movers, and find an apartment I love as much as this one that is walking distance to work and has an insane amount of natural light (two apartment attributes that make me absolutely love working from home).
If we could only find a far away basement apartment within our price range, I can assure you that my love of working from home would take a hit. I need my sun to thrive. Despite trying to make a plan for every eventuality, waiting and not knowing something as basic as where we’d be sleeping next year was wearing on me on top of all the weird apartment building management issues we were facing.
Family And Friend Drama
The family and friend drama obviously involves people other than myself so I will not go into detail, but suffice it to say I was neglecting a large potential stressor in my life. Yes, I have been very intentional with who I keep in my circle – family and friends included, but sometimes there are complications on the journey to deciding who to keep in your life. This was causing me stress as well.
Job Concerns
And finally, job concerns. I was telling myself that my actual work was in an easy period so I had no reason to be stressed, but that’s not the only way jobs are stressful. Personally, I discovered I was stressed because of the changes happening at my work – the shifting culture and the constant stream of friends that were quitting, had been fired, or were being poorly treated. My perception of my company was shifting and not knowing what it was becoming was causing me stress.
In that same vein, I didn’t realize it, but my partner’s job was causing me stress as well. I can’t go into details, but the changes happening at his company have been giving him whiplash and sapping a lot of emotional energy from us both. I didn’t realize this, but it’s been a large weight on our shoulders. Luckily the end is in sight and he should be leaving soon for his next adventure, but I didn’t realize the weight that’s been over us since basically December.
Conclusion
Please learn from my mistakes – if you are feeling stressed and your routine is changing as a result (eating more junk, drinking more etc) your feelings are legitimate. There is a reason – even if you can’t pinpoint it right now. Your feelings and reactions matter. Don’t beat yourself up like I did. Try to figure out what’s happening, see if you can fix it and if it’s more of a waiting game, work on decreasing the negative ways you’re expressing that stress. Thank you for listening to my PSA.
Have you ever reflected on the different kinds of stressors in your life? How do you deal with them?
Yeah it seems there is no escape from stress only management of it. Meditation, mindfulness, and gratitude have all worked well for me. Exercise and good sleep make a surprisingly huge difference as well for me personally
Preach! I’ve been working on mindfulness, getting outside and getting better sleep lately and it has been helping me manage these feelings. So glad it makes a huge difference for you!
Great article Purple! I’m sorry you have been dealing with these stressors but good on you for taking the time to reflect and identify them.
I am notorious at powering through during tough times while actually not acknowledging that I am stressed or under pressure. That’s usually when I get frustrated that I *should* be keeping up with my healthy habits and have no reason to be slacking. Tracking certain goals/habits in bullet form lately has been a game changer to visually see that some things are off. Still this is a work in progress for me and I really like how you described the process.
I hope these stressors calm down or if it’s a waiting game, that you find healthy ways to let go of what is outside your control, seems like your off to a great start with acknowledging them!
Thank you! Sounds like we’re a bit in the same boat 🙂 . I’ve been enjoying your monthly bullet updates. Maybe I should adopt that for myself. Luckily most of the stressors should be basically resolved by the end of the month – just in time for new ones to take their place! Kidding…
sounds like you could use a week or two in the smidlap anti-stress clinic! i used to get that reaction but not for a long time. i’m not sure when exactly it went away but i’m glad it did. take it easy, have some laughs. humor helps everything. you can laugh to keep from crying at the absurdity of this whole life.
i’m with the mindful explorer on exercise and good sleep helping too. i think the first begets the second.
Haha that sounds like an awesome clinic. It just went away randomly?! I need to know your secrets.
“you can laugh to keep from crying at the absurdity of this whole life.” Now THAT is an amazing tip.
I have been outside and walking/climbing around a lot more now that the weather’s nice…and I’ve been sleeping better. Coincidence?! 😉
Sounds like we hail from the same coping with things camp! While pets and kids most certainly add a new dimension of stress, yep, they are also most certainly not at all the only stressors that exist. We have so many other possible stressors going on around here in life, and it’s easy to forget how much they can impinge on our daily peace. I’m glad you listened to yourself a bit more, enough to figure out where it was coming from.
We’re both going through job drama we can’t share much either but it is real and it can really eat away at your mental stability.
Here’s hoping your first two stressors fade away very soon, and I assume the latter one will become a non-issue quite soon after.
Ugh I’m sorry. And oh yes – couldn’t even imagine the extra layer of pets and kids. WOW. I’m sorry y’all are going through job drama and hope it’s resolved soon. I hate the uncertainty of it. And yes hopefully that job stressor will go away relatively soon 😉 .
My biggest stress is needing things to be other than they are. Sound familiar? I think Siddartha talked about it 3,000 years ago…. doh!
No seriously, for me, stress is trying to control things I can’t control. It’s a f*cking hard lesson… I hope to learn it before I die.
Oh my lol! Yeah I need to learn that lesson too – I haven’t, no matter how many times I tell myself to only focus on what I can change. Silly human brains 🙂 .
Stress does a kind of weird thing where it keeps you busy so that you don’t notice it. It’s not until you’re out and you can compare that you think “oh wait, that was actually stressful”. Blegh.
I’m glad you’ve identified them! That’s always the first step haha. I make a chart with Stressor – What I can do – Timeline for actions. It gets all the thoughts out of my head so I’m not ruminating. And always remember the FU money 😉
That’s the weird thing – this kind of stress didn’t keep me busy. It was just in my mind so I was anxious and stressed and was like “There’s no reason! Stop it!” Le sigh. I’ve been through the heads down stress and I think I prefer that because I at least can pinpoint the reason once I’m clear of it.
I’m glad too lol! I haven’t heard of Stressor – that’s so cool! I’m going to look it up now. And yes FU money 🙂 – though lately that makes me just want to quit even before I’m FI, which is perhaps the opposite of the intended affect haha!
I dislike those types of stress so much! “Hurry up and wait” is what a friend used to call it. You can’t take action to combat it either because it’s really out of your hands or there’s a timeline of some sort ugh. Too true, I much prefer stresses with a clear cause and solution – if only life worked that way…
Oh no, it’s not an app haha, that’s just me typing out the headings I would write down on a piece of paper to brain vomit all my thoughts out. Same, I’m not even close to FI but did recently get FU money and it makes me want to quit at seemingly tiny inconveniences ;P “Printer jam?? I quit!”
Ah yes – I am familiar with hurry and up and wait because it’s a constant in my job unfortunately. Yes if only stressors had a clear cause and solution 😉 . Glad you told me it’s not an app – I thought I was suddenly bad at googling things lol! I hear you on wanting to quit at tiny inconveniences. 7am conference call on a Monday?! Forget it – I quit 😉 !
Uncertainty is a huge stressor! It’s that fear of the unknown, and if your brain works like mine it can’t help to dwell on every single possibility out there (no matter how small).
It’s tough to work through, but knowing you’re in a good situation regardless (even if it’s not ideal) is what helps with peace of mind.
Yep – our brains seem similar. That’s a good spin on it that I need to remember (good situation regardless). Now I just need to get my brain to listen 🙂 .
I’m stressed out about our condos. They’re on the market and I want them gone (at the right price.) It’s no fun paying 3 mortgages.
Also stressing about my parent. My mom has dementia and my dad is having a hard time dealing with it.
I guess it could be worse. At least, I’m not stressed out about work, marriage, kid, money, and all kind of other stuff.
I hope your condos sell soon (at the price you want)! I can’t imagine paying 1 mortgage let alone 3 – woah. I read a few of your posts about your mom. I’m so sorry – and I’m sorry your dad is having a hard time dealing with it. I can’t imagine how hard it is to watch your spouse go through that. It’s a good perspective you have – that’s all rough, but it could be a lot worse.
I feel you that stress comes from many different sources. I still manage to feel it often enough, even while I’ve been on a pretty chilled out schedule during these last months of my US mini-retirement adventure.
Uncertainty doesn’t usually stress me out and I’ve often not known where I’ll be from week to week during this trip… but it’s starting to sneak up on me when I consider going back home to work in Australia. So many possible options that may or may not lock into place.
To be honest, I also have this continual low-level stress that’s mixed up in the excitement when I think about all the blog writing I want to do! Mixing fun travel adventures with the pull to write is tough (lol)! Don’t know how anyone has any time to work, really… 😉
Really – uncertainty doesn’t stress you out miss “I don’t know where I’m sleeping in 2 days?” 😉 I hope what you want locks into place sooner rather than later so you don’t have to think about it anymore.
And uh oh – I don’t want the thought of blog writing (or combining blog writing with travel) to stress you out…though don’t think that will make me back down on my #AccountabilityBeast tactics. You asked for it! I also don’t know how people have time to work (I type while taking a break from working after a gauntlet of conference calls that made my brain mush).
Besides uncertainty about your jobs in Australia and trying to fit in everything you want to (writing/travel) is there any other source of your stress? Just curious since you mentioned you feel it “often enough.” Thanks for stopping by!
Haha, keep cracking that whip, #AccountabilityBeast! That’s a good stress.
I guess the mild form of stress that comes up “often enough” is the ruminating on finding purpose and what I should be doing with this precious one life. I have plenty of time in my own head while solo traveling to wonder about these things, and what options close off by committing to others. Again, I suppose it’s a good sort of stress to have, so not complaining too much! Better to spend time starting to work it out now than stop work to a traditional retirement age and feel lost.
Oh I shall! And ahh yes – existential angst. I was talking my mom through this recently. Of my many anxieties that surprisingly hasn’t been one…yet 😉 . I am so glad you’re thinking about that now though – you’re way ahead of the curve.
Uncertainty. Yep.
That’s the big one for you eh?
Isn’t it so fun that stress can come in many different shapes and sizes? Lol, no. I noticed earlier in the Spring that my relationship with alcohol was taking a bit of a turn. I finally realized I was drinking more because of my boss and her poor time management shifting a ton of stress on me in unexpected times. The thing is, I enjoy a good glass of wine, but consuming alcohol in this way didn’t leave me any room to enjoy. I’ve been trying to make the commitment to myself that I’ll only drink when I want to, and not because I had a shitty day. It’s made a massive difference!
Oh yeah – super fun 😉 . That’s awesome you were able to step back, figure out what was happening and alter your behavior. I was noticing something similar (like I mentioned) with food and alcohol. As for the alcohol I found myself drinking (1) more than usual and (2) to try and enjoy the little ‘free’ time I had without thinking about work
(which the wine helped me to do). That’s not a healthy reason for me to consume a drug 🙂 . How have you been able to identify when you “want to” with wine? I found I had an almost impossible time parsing what was stress talking and what was ‘me’ actually wanting a glass so I’m taking a break from alcohol until I can figure it out.
For me, it is paying very close attention to my mindset. When I want a drink between I had a crap day, my mindset is like resentful, and grumpy and gross. When I just want a glass of wine to relax or enjoy my backyard, it’s a much happier mindset and place to be. I don’t know if that’s super clear, but I hope it helps!
I think I get it: “Ugh – these 20 bad things just happened so I NEED a drink” vs. “You know what would make this awesome day sitting in my sunny backyard even better? An ice cold pinot grigio!” Awesome tip. I’ll definitely keep that in mind. Thank you!!
I didn’t quite realize exactly how stressed I was until I kicked my husband to the curb. Now suddenly I have a lot more mental and physical energy.
I’m sorry that you’ve been so stressed out lately. I hope having realized the sources of stress has helped you cope with them. I know you can’t do much about your partner’s stuff, but you can be more mindful in how much of his stress you take on yourself. Hopefully, anyway.
Oh wow – another good reason you did that! So glad you figured that out and freed up mental and physical energy! Thank you – realizing what was happening has helped a lot! Still working on not taking my partner’s stress on, but the end is in sight so that’s good!!